I'm Going To Hell And I Can't Wait

(* Just a warning: This post is a bit naughty in a very good way (if you haven't already noticed), and also a little bit about religion, so please do not read this if you might get the least bit offended by it. Onward.*)

I honestly didn't think I'd be posting about the Duggar Family yet again, and so soon. My last post on them was enough, and it was only part of a post. But, really, is it ever really enough when we're talking about the Duggars, the family with 18 -- count 'em! -- children? Apparently they don't think so. Sorry, did I say that out loud?

Now I've found out the Duggars don't believe in listening to music that makes them want to dance in general, and they do not believe in dancing. As Jim Bob said, and I paraphrase, "Music will make you get into all sorts of trouble," as he watches his little boy wiggle to some children's music in a store. What the hell?

Now, I already knew they weren't allowed to kiss until they were married, which I thought was strange and extremely nun-like, but now music and dance are fodder for the devil as well? What will it be next? Wearing your hair down? Wearing earrings that maybe dangle? Going to Starbucks and -- oh my gosh -- ordering your favourite specialty coffee with extra whipped cream and chocolate shavings? That will send you to hell for sure because it's got to be too good to be good for you. You are NOT allowed to be cheery or have any pleasure whatsoever. Nor are you allowed to wear open-toed sandals in the summer and eat an ice cream cone, for fear that you will enjoy yourself and gosh, maybe even smile, and god forbid some ice cream melt onto your chin, for fear that it look like Michelle and Jim Bob just...never mind.

Obviously, the dance the Duggars do (and we all know they've done "it" at least 18 times now) is not for pleasure but entirely for the necessity of procreation, since this world is so bereft of human population. If they were doing it out of love, as I believe they claim is the reason they do "it", then why in heaven's name would it be a prohibitive action? I'm one of the least logical people I know, but even I can extrapolate from this that love must, therefore, be against the lord's will. A+B=C, no?

Am I the true dullard my brothers always told me I was, or do I make sense? Not that I have anything against doing the "Dirty Dance", or having a boatload of little ankle biters. No, not at all.
I just don't understand how they can be so against something as joyful and integral to everyday happy living as singing, dancing and kissing? I mean, come on. I'm not necessarily talking tongue here, people. Right? Right?! Just a little peck on the cheek even, for god's sake. Let's not even get into having sex and all that jazz. I'm talking a little peck on the cheek, everyone! And only 1.64 seconds long at that! That's not even long enough to get a twinge in the nethers, let alone anything of bigger proportion.

Then, to top it all off, I'm watching the show last week, and handsome and clean Josh Duggar was getting ready to play doctor with his new bride Anna getting married to sweetie-pie goody goody gumdrop dumplings Anna, and at one point, Anna's father states, with nary a smile on his smug little face that actually filled the entire screen of my 52-inch flat screen television and made me a bit nauseated, that "the way god ordained it," Josh becomes the authority over Anna once they are married. Authority apparently gets passed from Anna's father to Josh Duggar. And then Anna's pops pronounces it "a good design". Amen.

Then, the two little doers of all that is good and right in this world and above get married. I sat there, mouth agape, as I listened to the part of their vows that stated god's authority was now being passed on to Josh, and Anna will obey. Obey?! As in, "Sit, Anna! Anna, settle!" Is that what they mean? Because I don't think it could mean anything else, except maybe this:

I can see it now. Josh and Anna will be in bed, trying to figure out how the whole sex thing actually works, and Josh will point to Anna and sternly command, "Anna, lie down! Anna, roll over! Anna! STAAAAAY!"

And Anna will smile and say, "But Joshy, baby, I don't do that..."

And Josh will say, "Anna! Sit! Downward Dog! Staaaaay!"

And Anna will obey, and learn about her wifely duties in a most unfortunate way.

It's not that I have anything whatsoever against people who deeply believe in god, despite the fact that I'm not a church goer, and am actually not really sure what I believe. And I think that's okay too, not knowing. I think it's wonderful to believe in whatever you choose, and I also think that it's important for all of us to believe in something or someone to get us through this life. For instance, I believe in Pumpkin Cheesecake, the most holy of cheesecakes. What?

What I don't quite get is this old-fashioned sense of man's domination over woman, and how somehow this is all dictated through god? God? God decided that man is the next best thing to god, and that the female species is not? God has deemed that woman cannot decide for herself, or in discussion with her husband, whether or not she wants one child, or 15? There does not need to be any words spoken betwixt the husband and the wife whilst discussing life's most important issues? Can this be true? The good wife must simply do as she's told, have her body and her soul do as her husband bids, and smile while she's doing it. I've definitely been doing it all wrong these past 20-some years. Mr. Handsome, I am so sorry.

I'm now starting to think that maybe that freaky smile we see on Michelle Duggar all the time might actually be a defense mechanism. If we could go into that brain of hers, what we'd be hearing might be, "Oh lord, if I have to bake one more lasagna and 30 dozen dinner rolls, and then do all the dishes, turn out 32 beds, roll 534 pairs of socks, and then go to bed with Jim Bob and do it doggy-style one more time, I'm gonna projectile vomit all over this lovely carpet I vacuum three times a day, and then I'll have to get out all my cleaning supplies and spend 2 hours scrubbing, which will then make Jim Bob horny all over again because I'll be on my hands and knees. And then it'll be time to get up again to feed the chickens and the five sets of twins. Oh, woe's me." Smile. Grin. Praise the lord.

God help her if Michelle or Anna tell their husbands, "Oh dear, can we just cuddle tonight? I just don't have the energy to try getting impregnated again tonight, as is the lord's will. I promise you and the lord above I'll do it thrice tomorrow night to make up for it."

That would never fly in the Duggar household because we all know how hot Josh and Jim Bob get when their wives are all snug as a bug in a rug in their flannel nighties and woolen pantaloons, after a full day of organizing, flossing, sewing, and combing of hair. How could they resist? Why would they? Of course they wouldn't, because they are men, and men are the lord.

If going to heaven (whatever that actually is) means not dancing, not listening to my favourite music, not kissing my loved one before getting married to him, and having to listen to my husband, I guess I most definitely won't be going there. I also definitely don't want to if that's what it takes.

I'm done now.

I wonder if French kissing the dog counts?