I'm Going To Hell And I Can't Wait

(* Just a warning: This post is a bit naughty in a very good way (if you haven't already noticed), and also a little bit about religion, so please do not read this if you might get the least bit offended by it. Onward.*)

I honestly didn't think I'd be posting about the Duggar Family yet again, and so soon. My last post on them was enough, and it was only part of a post. But, really, is it ever really enough when we're talking about the Duggars, the family with 18 -- count 'em! -- children? Apparently they don't think so. Sorry, did I say that out loud?

Now I've found out the Duggars don't believe in listening to music that makes them want to dance in general, and they do not believe in dancing. As Jim Bob said, and I paraphrase, "Music will make you get into all sorts of trouble," as he watches his little boy wiggle to some children's music in a store. What the hell?

Now, I already knew they weren't allowed to kiss until they were married, which I thought was strange and extremely nun-like, but now music and dance are fodder for the devil as well? What will it be next? Wearing your hair down? Wearing earrings that maybe dangle? Going to Starbucks and -- oh my gosh -- ordering your favourite specialty coffee with extra whipped cream and chocolate shavings? That will send you to hell for sure because it's got to be too good to be good for you. You are NOT allowed to be cheery or have any pleasure whatsoever. Nor are you allowed to wear open-toed sandals in the summer and eat an ice cream cone, for fear that you will enjoy yourself and gosh, maybe even smile, and god forbid some ice cream melt onto your chin, for fear that it look like Michelle and Jim Bob just...never mind.

Obviously, the dance the Duggars do (and we all know they've done "it" at least 18 times now) is not for pleasure but entirely for the necessity of procreation, since this world is so bereft of human population. If they were doing it out of love, as I believe they claim is the reason they do "it", then why in heaven's name would it be a prohibitive action? I'm one of the least logical people I know, but even I can extrapolate from this that love must, therefore, be against the lord's will. A+B=C, no?

Am I the true dullard my brothers always told me I was, or do I make sense? Not that I have anything against doing the "Dirty Dance", or having a boatload of little ankle biters. No, not at all.
I just don't understand how they can be so against something as joyful and integral to everyday happy living as singing, dancing and kissing? I mean, come on. I'm not necessarily talking tongue here, people. Right? Right?! Just a little peck on the cheek even, for god's sake. Let's not even get into having sex and all that jazz. I'm talking a little peck on the cheek, everyone! And only 1.64 seconds long at that! That's not even long enough to get a twinge in the nethers, let alone anything of bigger proportion.

Then, to top it all off, I'm watching the show last week, and handsome and clean Josh Duggar was getting ready to play doctor with his new bride Anna getting married to sweetie-pie goody goody gumdrop dumplings Anna, and at one point, Anna's father states, with nary a smile on his smug little face that actually filled the entire screen of my 52-inch flat screen television and made me a bit nauseated, that "the way god ordained it," Josh becomes the authority over Anna once they are married. Authority apparently gets passed from Anna's father to Josh Duggar. And then Anna's pops pronounces it "a good design". Amen.

Then, the two little doers of all that is good and right in this world and above get married. I sat there, mouth agape, as I listened to the part of their vows that stated god's authority was now being passed on to Josh, and Anna will obey. Obey?! As in, "Sit, Anna! Anna, settle!" Is that what they mean? Because I don't think it could mean anything else, except maybe this:

I can see it now. Josh and Anna will be in bed, trying to figure out how the whole sex thing actually works, and Josh will point to Anna and sternly command, "Anna, lie down! Anna, roll over! Anna! STAAAAAY!"

And Anna will smile and say, "But Joshy, baby, I don't do that..."

And Josh will say, "Anna! Sit! Downward Dog! Staaaaay!"

And Anna will obey, and learn about her wifely duties in a most unfortunate way.

It's not that I have anything whatsoever against people who deeply believe in god, despite the fact that I'm not a church goer, and am actually not really sure what I believe. And I think that's okay too, not knowing. I think it's wonderful to believe in whatever you choose, and I also think that it's important for all of us to believe in something or someone to get us through this life. For instance, I believe in Pumpkin Cheesecake, the most holy of cheesecakes. What?

What I don't quite get is this old-fashioned sense of man's domination over woman, and how somehow this is all dictated through god? God? God decided that man is the next best thing to god, and that the female species is not? God has deemed that woman cannot decide for herself, or in discussion with her husband, whether or not she wants one child, or 15? There does not need to be any words spoken betwixt the husband and the wife whilst discussing life's most important issues? Can this be true? The good wife must simply do as she's told, have her body and her soul do as her husband bids, and smile while she's doing it. I've definitely been doing it all wrong these past 20-some years. Mr. Handsome, I am so sorry.

I'm now starting to think that maybe that freaky smile we see on Michelle Duggar all the time might actually be a defense mechanism. If we could go into that brain of hers, what we'd be hearing might be, "Oh lord, if I have to bake one more lasagna and 30 dozen dinner rolls, and then do all the dishes, turn out 32 beds, roll 534 pairs of socks, and then go to bed with Jim Bob and do it doggy-style one more time, I'm gonna projectile vomit all over this lovely carpet I vacuum three times a day, and then I'll have to get out all my cleaning supplies and spend 2 hours scrubbing, which will then make Jim Bob horny all over again because I'll be on my hands and knees. And then it'll be time to get up again to feed the chickens and the five sets of twins. Oh, woe's me." Smile. Grin. Praise the lord.

God help her if Michelle or Anna tell their husbands, "Oh dear, can we just cuddle tonight? I just don't have the energy to try getting impregnated again tonight, as is the lord's will. I promise you and the lord above I'll do it thrice tomorrow night to make up for it."

That would never fly in the Duggar household because we all know how hot Josh and Jim Bob get when their wives are all snug as a bug in a rug in their flannel nighties and woolen pantaloons, after a full day of organizing, flossing, sewing, and combing of hair. How could they resist? Why would they? Of course they wouldn't, because they are men, and men are the lord.
If going to heaven (whatever that actually is) means not dancing, not listening to my favourite music, not kissing my loved one before getting married to him, and having to listen to my husband, I guess I most definitely won't be going there. I also definitely don't want to if that's what it takes.

I'm done now.
I wonder if French kissing the dog counts?


Anonymous said…
Oh Mary, Mary, Mary. I recently got my electricity back on and I was at humorbloggers where I've been a member since the beginning and clicked on your site. DAMN GLAD I DID!! I have too much carnage at my home right now, and must clean the damn house, but I am coming back PRONTO to read your blog more carefully. (If you have electricity (lucky you) I wouldn't mind if you came to see MY blog. I'd appreciate it. I want to pursue reading your "wit and ways" so I can get to know MARY. My newly found, and favorite place to sit and read.
Anonymous said…
I can't even watch that show. They frighten me. If I'm watching Jon and Kate on Monday nights, I think that show follows it, and sometimes I forget that it does and I'll hear the show start and I will lunge towards the tv to turn it off before I catch any of the creepiness through the screen.
Sandi said…
I am so damn glad you will be in Hell with me. At least I will a friend!

I feel the same way about those crazy people.

You know I have a hundred kids, so I am not even going to say a word about the number of kids the Duggers have.

But I could talk all day long about their strange and different beliefs.

I hope they are having kids because they love them and want them. I am afraid they are just having them to be servants to the Lord. That bothers me. I want to know if they get a wayward kid or two, will they still love and accept that child.

This sounds horrible, and I know I will be going to hell for saying it, but I hope they get a couple naughty shits that pole dance for cash in their skivvies. I hope they have a homosexual one or two that rocks their world.

I am sure if they think dancing isn't pleasing to the Lord, what would they think if they had a gay child?

I hope to hell they would love these kids unconditionally and accept them as part of their family. regardless of what the kids do and choose to believe.

Okay, I think I am done now.....
Well, maybe not, I have to say something about the Obeying your husband.
WHAT? I can't begin to imagine what that shit is all about! Let's you and I go kidnap that poor women and show her a good time!
Shana said…
Mary, Mary, Mary: You are so FREAKIN' funny.
I am thinking that you watch that show just a bit too much.... but then I do as well, in the middle of the night, when I am at work. I started watching it more for curiosity than anything else.
I would have to say that the number of kids that the family has isn't as strange as the bloody clothes that they wear. Those regiculous skirts on the girls have got to go.
Marissa and I watched the show where Josh and Anna got married. She (at 14) just shakes her head and says: "Are they stupid?" This, of course, leads into discussions of sex (which we talk about alot) and how I don't want my child to be a skank-ho but no way do I want her to wait until she is married to kiss a guy. Pu-Leeze. I don't even think a person should wait to get married to have sex. We need to see what we are getting, and a bit of testing is good before settling down!!
But anyway, I have always thought that Michelle and Jim Bob only would do 'it' missionary, you know, the proper way. No experimentation or anything. And forget about Michelle having an orgasm, because who cares? a woman doesn't need an 'o' to get pregnant, if they even know that woman HAVE orgasms. Crap on toast.
I love cousin Amy, she is fun to watch. I think she goes over there so she can be on TV but she looks like a normal kid.
About the obey thing: I was thinking about a dog obeying as well when I heard that. I thought that went out in the 1920s or somesuch. I do not, at all, understand how ANY woman could or would give up her personal power, no matter how 'religious' a person claims to be.
And the dancing thing. I canNOT imagine telling my child something so stupid as don't dance. I had a friend when I was a teenager. She was Mennonite. They aren't allowed to dance either. She told me it was because if you danced, you would end up dancing with someone who was not your husband which would lead to an affair. Hmmmmmm
I guess that is why my favourite church song has always been "Lord of the Dance."
I guess the Duggars, at least, practice what they preach, which is better than a lot of so-called religious people. And they did let their kids go skydiving which is very cool.
Marissa thinks they are a cult. You can make anyone believe anything if they don't go to school, watch no TV or internet and tell them what you want them to believe every day.
And like Sandi said, I wonder how forgiving they would be if one of their child turned out pregnant or gay or whatever????
GREAT post. Thanks.
♥georgie♥ said…
LOL...I can not watch the show either...it drives me insane..I have enough insanity in my life as it is...BUT I really enjoyed your post on the duggers it made me LMAO because some of their beliefs seem so 'out there' and you made them funny!!!

I can not believe dana just found you!
Tenakim said…
If that's what gets you to heaven - I'll meet you in hell- it'll be sooo much more fun there!
ChurchPunkMom said…
My God, woman.. you are hilarious!

and yes, that is coming from a Christian mother of 5! who listens to *gasp* LOTS of music!!

oh, the horror..
AMEN! It's time somebody actually got it right! I watch this show religiously (haha what does that mean really)and I always wonder as I'm watching what in the world is wrong with these people. I know that may be mean, but anyone who believes in God and believes that he is such a kind and loving God couldn't possibly believe that he wants women to be such mindless servants to their men as Michelle and Anna and Anna's mom seem to be.

It really just bothers me that all of the Duggar's girls are growing up being taught that a woman's place is at home making baby after baby and cleaning and cooking all day. There's something wrong there.

And I almost lost if when I heard them say they didn't believe in dancing or listening to music!

LOVE this post BTW!
Lynette said…
Mary - I'm with you girl.

Everyone is entitled to their own beliefs, yada yada, etc., etc. But, those Duggars scare the crappola outta me - just sayin'. I don't even watch the show, but the little I've heard or read about them, scaaarrry!

Obey - who does that anymore I want to know - I mean in the way you are asking?

Whichever one of us gets to hell first, save a seat for the next one, OK?
Chelle said…
OMG. That Duggar pic is fucking hilarious.
Jane! said…
Isn't that the same freaky smile that the Moonies used to wear???

This patriarchal religion thing is something you don't even want to get me started on - could get me kicked out of my home state - which is why I can't even watch the Duggar show.

I absolutely LOVE that clown car thing, tho!
♥Trina♥ said…
I haven't seen their show, and I don't plan to. I'm sorry--I just have a problem with families having THAT many children in today's society. Back 100 years ago when families NEEDED lots of hands to help keep the farm going, it would've been okay. Having more than the average 2.3 (or whatever it is) children can be an OOPS, and I'm fine with that, but 18 is NO OOPS!

I've been criticized for not having children of my own, but the Duggars have populated it for me.
Not wanting to disparage the idea that men are demigods I must note in my own daily doings that I can not seem to get women to obey me. Any tips? (joke)
Soxy Deb said…
First thing I have to say is I'll save you a seat. I plan to be in hell before you and like to be fron row if possible.
Second thing is you used a lot of words like whilst and thrice in this post. Have you gone all Ye Olde English on us? Or has that passed?
And lastly, "I just gotta cut loose. Footloose. Kick off your Sunday shoes!!"
I'm done. And please I beg you on all that is good and holy, do NOT french kiss the dog. That'll just get HIM all worked up and then that'll give all new meaning to the term doggy style.

Haha! My word verification is "butsil". That must be the little shelf on Michelle's ass where Jim Bob keeps his beverage whilst in the midst of the thrice.
Suburbia Steph said…
I've already got a sweet spot in hell reserved for me, so I guess I'll see ya there!

You know, it took me 4 or 5 times to get your page to load, I kept getting some "google" error....I think it was a higher power, myself trying to block my access!

LOL! Clown car....
bernthis said…
I'm sorry but it's always those kinds of people that are the biggest hypocrites of all. I bet that guy is the horniest man on the planet earth.
Anonymous said…
Wow, very interesting post. What pisses me off is these ppl popping out babies left and right when I just want one baby....
3 Bay B Chicks said…
You are seriously one of the funniest bloggers on the planet, Mary Moore. How you ever came up with the idea to write about the Duggars I may never know, but it is really pure brilliance.

You raise the blogging bar to all new heights and inspire all of us to give a little bit more. :)

Bon Don said…
loved this post! Too funny!

I agree they are a bit strict, when you know damn well Michelle & Jim Bob were dry humping before they got married!
Jenni Jiggety said…
It's a wierd, wierd thing, those Duggars!
dizzblnd said…
They are all psycho and need to have their heads checked.. I will NEVER understand "collecting" children
My hubby was raised that way. No dancing. No movies. He didn't see his first movie until he was in Marine Corps boot camp. He didn't cuss until the Marine Corp either. He didn't drink until me.

The Duggars just choose to lead a different way of life that we do ...it works for them.
Akirah said…
The Duggars get on my last nerve.
I spit soda on my screen multiple times throughout this post. LOL!
Danita said…
They are rather strange. I think they are a bit misled as far as what the Bible says. I find it a bit sad since so many people watch them and it gives "Christians" a bad name.
Great read though! Thanks =]
Julia D said…
ooh, excellent post
Ann said…
Eighteen children?!?!?!?!?! No listening to music or kissing?!?! Reminds me of some kids I went to school with, in the sense of religious wise. They weren't able to watch TV or movies, the girls and women could wear only skirts or dresses, no pants/jeants whatsoever, like the Duggar family it looks like. There were so many don'ts, to the point of what CAN they do? Common psychology, if you keep telling a child, especially when they hit the teenage years, that they cannot do something, there is a chance they may rebel and actually DO what they were told that they could not.

Then there's the topic of the man being the master. Isn't it 2009?!?!?! Is Jim-Bob (what a name, plus being from Arkansas, to me spells REDNECK) Tarzan and his wife Jane? Do they have any vines that they swing on in the back yard?
Tracie said…
I haven't watched that show since then only had 15 kids, and were in the process of building their new house. It's no more work for her to keep having kids, because the older kids basically raise the younger kids, that gives Michelle more time to lie on her back for ol' Jim-Bob. And aren't the boy (Billie-Bob, Josh-Bob-whatever his name is) and Anna pretty young to be getting married - it's because they want to have S E X !! (Or atleast he does)
I came over via Shana's blog and I have to tell you now, I'm stealing that Vagina picture and emailing it to everyone in my address book. Also, I think that was close to the funniest thing I've ever read. Thanks for the belly laugh. You may never know how badly I needed it today.

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