The Lexicon of Flatulence

So, Mr. Handsome and I were hanging out on Sunday, just talking as husband and wife do, while the children finished up with all the household chores, which always include massaging our feet with expensive lotions and feeding us chocolate-covered strawberries while we sip champagne and orange juice. What?

After we discussed important and relevant world news and decided how to solve the economic situation we have all unexpectedly found ourselves in, we got down to the nitty gritty: the state of flatulence.

As we all know, flatulence is a growing concern in our country, what with the ozone layer disappearing as I speak, etc. But what seems to be more important is how it has become first and foremost a raging issue in our household, one which can no longer be ignored, passed over, and put on the backburner.

Yes, flatulence has become an issue of mounting importance in our home, ramping up to the same level as the world economy, race and religion, and whether or not Michael Jackson really had a nose job.

It especially became very apparent to me quite recently that we desperately needed to talk about this, when Mr. Handsome spent a day at home after working many grueling, endless hours at the office. I noticed a certain je ne sais quoi, a certain waft of unknown origin, crossing my nostrils every few minutes. At first, I thought he was making his famous stew. But alas, it was not to be.

Oh, he was making a stew, all right. It just wasn't for human consumption.

So, in order to ameliorate the communication between us, as good husbands and wives ought to do on a regular basis so that we don't pummel each other to death, we decided that perhaps it would be a good idea to come up with a lexicon of sorts so that we would both be on the same page should the need arise to discuss such things as one's fart, whose fart it was, what type of fart it could possibly be, and why did said person actually perform the act of farting while in the vicinity of another known living thing. You get the idea. I'm sure you've all done it too, so don't even pretend.

You know what the problem is with the world today, not to mention personal relationships? It's that we don't talk. We don't discuss, elaborate, extrapolate. We are silent. We allow issues to fester, like a roiling boil full of pus, slowly building building building until it explodes. If we just talked out in the open when something needed discussing, this world would be a much safer place, and our homes would be much cleaner-smelling.

As a result of Mr. Handsome's and my urgent need to clear the air, I have come up with said lexicon, to be used when words escape us.

Effervescent: As in, "Did you have a bit too much ginger ale, dear? Your fart is rather effervescent this evening." It usually tingles the nostrils as the cloud dissipates above your head. Not all that unpleasant, unless you think about it for too long.

Meaty: Also known as The Stew. Usually a result of eating too much of said stew. Mr. Handsome calls it "Secondsies". I call it quits and grounds for divorce.

Fruity: A scintillating, winelike smell that even attracts fruit flies it's so lifelike. Usually a result of eating too many grapes. A much better result than "meaty" (see above). If you've got to deal with flatulence in your home, I would suggest eating grapes, not stew.

Baby Fart: A tiny plippet that can often be ignored.

The Sewer: Reminiscent of a restaurant Mr. Handsome and I frequented in Cancun, Mexico, which had a sewer right smack dab in the middle of the restaurant. It's quite an experience to be eating your tacos while the smell of rot fills your nose. Yes, we went back. A lot. It was cheap.

Old Blue Cheese and an Old Man's Stinky Feet: Enough said.

The Stealth Fart: The children often do this, and then blame it on the other sibling, or on the dog. And I, being gullible and naive, believe them every time. This fart type is often the source of disagreements in our household since no one will own up to it, causing many hurt feelings and nausea.

Cod Carcass: Again, enough said.

SBD -- Silent But Deadly: Perhaps the most dangerous of all. It is practically impossible to decipher from where the fart originated, but most often it is from Mr. Handsome. Either that, or the dog was in the garbage again. This might be my least favourite fart type. It creeps up on you very unexpectedly, and does not move for what seems like forever. Usually heavier than air itself.

Tailwind: A form of the Stealth Fart (above) which can be maneuvered quite successfully with a little practice. Usually, the Tailwind occurs when "Dennis" is running through the house while "Milly" runs after him, after he has poked her ribs for the 100th time that day. Sometimes, Gryphon gets in on the action, and because he has a very delicate system, he often packs quite a tailwind as he runs after them.

Dispersal Time: A very important aspect of the whole flatulence issue. The closed door policy must be in effect for many types of farts, all dependent on the dispersal time of said fart. This can sometimes only be guesstimated. However, Mr. Handsome often pretends he has given it plenty of dispersal time, when in fact, he has purposely returned earlier than he should. He likes to share, which is one of his good points.

Dead Heat: Mr. Handsome often has these after a second helping of his famous chili. We all feel the heat for days after.

Morning Thunder: Who needs an alarm clock?

The Shakespearean Fart: Woe's me. This fart has a certain delicacy to it, and yet not. Mindful of a truffle, so earthy, yet so rare and delicate. Surprisingly, sometimes this fart type can be rather enjoyable.

My question to you is this: Do all of you find farts as funny as I do, or am I the most immature person I know?


♥georgie♥ said…
OMGosh LMAO @ Morning Thunder!!!
mr gp likes to let one rip while in the car then LOCK the car windows so no one can get fresh air!!!
You crack me up!
I find farts incredibly funny and I'm not ashamed to admit it. You have really covered every variety that exist. Hahahahaha!! I feel very enlightened leaving here today.

*runs toward the door leaving only a "tailwind" breeze behind*
hahahaha....a lot to think about! Around here, every unpleasant smell is just blamed on the dogs! Or we go by the old adage "he who smelt it, dealt it" and no one dares to say anything! We also live close to a paper mill that has a hefty "meaty" smell to it as well.....lots of excuses!
Have a great funny girl!
♥ Lilly
Sandi said…
You are a nut! I HATE farts! HATE them and with this many butts in the house, I deal with them often! But, my best friend think they are the BOMB! as in the most humorous thing in the world. If I want her to laugh, all I have to say is, "who farted?" Why is this so damn funny? I don't get it, but I admit, I was chucking over your post this morning and even reading it out loud!
Milly. said…
This comment has been removed by a blog administrator.
Milly. said…
Alas, today I just had to let a SBD out of the corral today at my locker...i blamed it on the leftover caesar salad i had in my locker.
kel said…
Ok, that is hilarious... I love it!!

ps. I don't fart. At least that's what I tell my hubs.
spyscribbler said…

Ohmigosh, Mary, that is the BEST word! Wow! I totally love that word!

Before he met me, my husband claims he'd never heard a woman fart.

I mean, come on. Sheesh.

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