Break The Bank or Break Your Penis? I Say Go For Broke

This is a public service announcement to all my male readers. I know there are at least four. It's time for me to give back to you, because that is my motto, "Give back", as you well know, and because if I'm not about giving back, I'm no better than a macaroni and cheese loaf sandwich on white bread.

This is also not the kind of post you should be reading if you are under the age of 18, or find anything at all offensive. Just warning you. This post is about the male genitalia in all its godforsaken glory.

So, male readers, you know that appendage you have that we women do not have, and do not envy, desire, or think about, ever, unless it's completely covered? Yes, I'm talking about the penis.

The penis is a lovely organ. The term "lovely", of course, is being used very loosely in this case.

I will, however, admit that the flesh wand is indeed an amazing piece of machinery, full of little tricks up its sleeve. Just when you think you've seen it all, out it comes with yet another little surprise!

Today, I thought I'd discuss the broken penis. Until I saw a recent episode of Grey's Anatomy, where McSteamy and Lexie Grey get it on, I did not know that a man dowel could be fractured. Who knew? Not me!


Apparently, after this episode aired, "broken penis" and "penile fracture" were top Google searches. I guess McSteamy's cries scared quite a few strapping, robust and studlike humans of the masculine sort all across the globe.

What actually happens isn't really a "break", per se. It's more like a tear, since the penile member does not possess any actual bones, despite the misnomer "boner" we've all heard of at one time or another. What tears are the ligaments surrounding the erect penile structure, when too much force or pressure is applied. Use your imagination here.

Apparently, about 1,000 jimmies are broken every year. Who knew?!

If you happen to have this unfortunate event occur to your snausage, get ye to an emergency room quickly. It used to be that all doctors would prescribe would be ice packs to your willy, and copious amounts of painkillers and vodka tonics. However, nowadays, with the progression of medicine as it relates to schlong breakage, medical professionals indicate that surgery to repair said breakage is your best route to prolonged and continued success with your tube steak. Otherwise, you may end up with impotence or, worse yet, the dreaded curved banana hose.

To ease your mind, I'd like to end this public service message by letting you know that, although the periscope can "break", it will not fall off. That is, unless you're married to Lorena Bobbitt, and then, you're on your own.

I hear Lorena has gotten into the jewelry industry. She even has an Etsy shop.

Over and out. And you're welcome.

________________________________________________

On a much more sombre note, my dear friend's wife passed away this morning. I know she's in a better place now. I'm glad it was quick and painless. All my energy will now be going to making sure my friend gets through the next few days and weeks in one piece.

RIP Jeri.