Enter At Your Own Risk -- HazMat Suit Required

It all began with the dishwasher.

It was brand new. We replaced it soon after moving into our home 10 1/2 years ago. And, yes, we used it a lot. We had two little children at the time, and I was running a daycare out of my home as well. I probably did three loads of dishes a day.

But, please tell me, why would a brand new dishwasher start rusting? That's right. There is no reason. None. Because let me tell you, dishwashers built in the 1950s, nay! even the 1970s, did not rust. Ever. There would come a time when you'd have to physically put the machine to its death because it would refuse to die on its own.

Such is not the case with newer appliances, it seems. Nowadays, appliances are made to look good. Period. Otherwise, they suck the big wadong. And did I just say "look good"? I take that back, because they don't look good. Not at all. They only look good until you unpack them and start using them. Then, you wake up one morning, and they look like crap.

Let's just say our dishwasher now looks like it should not work. Oh, it still works, but barely. And it looks worse -- like we found it in a garbage heap somewhere and decided, "Hey! This looks great! We could still get at least 10 years out of this sucker! Let's bring it home with us!" Yes, we are those people you stay away from and only look at with eyes averted, who walk around the neighbourhood with a shopping cart filled to the brim with other people's garbage. Not that I'm judging anyone.

After the rusting began, little parts inside the dishwasher began to disintegrate and slowly fall off, as if it had leprosy. First it was something like this falling to the floor after an especially heavy duty wash/rinse cycle:

Then, this came out in my hand. To me, it looks pretty much integral to the whole dishwashing mechanism.

Oh, and then this came flying out:

But, instead of trying to figure out where the piece belonged, and then fixing it, we'd place it gingerly on the windowsill, and hope that it would somehow find its way back on its very own. Or we'd throw it out. So, now we have probably half a dishwasher, but it still works. The dishes aren't always clean, but clean enough. We're not picky.

We actually currently don't use the dishwasher at all because about a month-and-a-half ago, we noticed water leaking into the basement, right below where the dishwasher sits. We can't get at the spot to figure out what's wrong without actually moving the dishwasher out and looking, and...well, if you know us, you know that just won't happen in this household. Not anytime soon, anyway.

So, now the dishwasher sits, rusty and ugly, and silent, smack dab in the middle of our kitchen. And our special dog, Gryphon, now licks the plates clean. Why else would we have a dog?

And I won't even tell you about the floor in that room. Let's just say I go through five pairs of socks a week walking on that damn cheap crap linoleum. The kitchen is a veritable torture chamber.

Then...the toilet seat cover in the upstairs bathroom cracked. I believe one of the kids (or maybe both?) was doing a Stomp dance on it. So, it cracked in half, sort of, and not neatly either. Big jagged edges, probably quite dangerous. Have we fixed it, you ask? Did we replace it? I think you know the answer to that.

It's been probably four months. At least. Probably more like ten.

Meanwhile, both closet doors in our bedroom, our haven of heaven, have fallen off their tracks and have slowly made their way inwards, into the closet, and are still in there, leaning against our clothing. It makes for very difficult organizing, which is probably why our bedroom looks the way it does. That, and the fact that we are very lazy and would rather just throw our clothes pell mell and step on them instead of actually taking out a hanger or a drawer and placing the clothing within. I love saying 'pell mell'. It's a righteous saying. Rolls off the tongue. Says it all. No questions left unanswered with that statement.

Then we're back to the kitchen. The fridge begins to deteriorate. Shelves begin cracking, ledges begin falling, lights begin flickering. We need the exorcist badly.

Well, and then the microwave dies. Just that. Dies. Blat. Gone. Dead. No reason. And we all know the Goddess needs her microwave. Truth be told, Mr. Handsome needs his microwave more than the Goddess. You see, he needs his coffee hot. And I mean hot. Beyond boiled boiling. Crazy hot. So we soon had a new microwave, which Mr. Handsome actually bought me for my birthday, which I thought was very sweet.
It even has a Turbo Boost Inversion Defroster button on it, and no one in our house really knows what it means, except that it seems to defrost meat really well and sounds very cool when you say it fast and with authority, especially with a Scottish accent. Just imagine Scotty in the old, beloved Star Trek. "Errr, Captain, thee Turrbo Boost Inverrsion Defrrosterr would na turrrn on. What should we dooooo?"

Then, the drawer under the microwave falls apart. Nails clang to the floor, the end of the drawer falls off, and we are left with an open-ended drawer, whereby if you clench your buttocks just a tad and lean down, you can see all the ladles, mixing spoons and other kitchen paraphernalia happily sitting there. Yeah, very classy. It actually came in handy because I could do butt crunches while simultaneously looking for the salad tongs. Kill two birds with one stone, is my motto.

A couple of months later, our pot drawer dies. So, out it comes and under the kitchen table it goes. Pots all tumbled inside it, all under the table. And there it sat, for say three months, which was actually quite convenient, I must say, because you could just simply look down and see the pot and lid you needed, instead of having to pull open the drawer, and actually work for it.

Then one day not too very long ago, Mr. Handsome had a flit of energy, a moment of pure determination, and fixed the two drawers like a pro. I've never been a prouder wife.

This is how we live. Can you say quarantine?

I don't know why we live this way, but we do. I am now thinking that perhaps we need help. It's really very embarrassing.
I guess what I'm trying to figure out is, do other people live this way, or is it just us? And if it's just us, what is it? I have a feeling I know the answer. It is just us, isn't it?

P.S. Forgot...the front door lock never works properly, we have windows that need new screens (for like the past eight years), and the entire house needs painting. OK, I'm done. For now.


Bobby's Dream said…
Your post had me giggling all the way through.

I would go absolutely ba-zonkers. I have to have my house looking like no one lives there. I am so anal it is ridiculous.

I think they make pills for that now.
Jen said…
My appliances have been dying for the last three months. I just complained about my coffee maker that is only a year old quitting over at my blog.

Why should these companies make things that work? If they fail we will bail them out. There is no motivation to make a product that lasts.
Blonde Goddess said…
My house is falling apart too.
And I am well acquainted with the stomp dance. My kids have busted more than one toilet seat.
Now are you sitting down?

I have never owned a dish washer.
We had one for the year we lived in base housing but that was it. I've never purchased one.
I have dreams about owning one.
Now after your post, I'm not so sure..LOL
Anonymous said…
This makes me glad *I* am the dishwasher at my house. As far as do other people live this way...I was visiting a friend who heated milk for her daughter in a pan & then put the pan in the oven instead of washing it. Later she took out a broken ladle & held it just a certain way so it would "work." The work part was so it would get something her cat had pushed behind a heavy sofa, OUT. A few minutes later she was using newspapers to get grease out of fried hamburgers. I think people all have their "things" but they don't all show those things around, my friend did.
Jane! said…
We pretty much have a constant list of things to fix going. The most urgent might get tended to but the list is never empty.

I don't think I would go 3 minutes without a dishwasher, though.

When you talked about your pot drawer? I had a whole different picture.
Jenni Jiggety said…
Sounds like you need Ty from Extreme Makeover to stop by...
Mariah said…
Too funny! My dishwasher started with just a little rust here and there too before the whole thing exploded
kel said…
Your house sounds like mine!!
Wendyburd1 said…
Thanks for your kind words Mary, they are much appreciated.
Soxy Deb said…
Your right, it does sound a bit dangerous to enter your house. Try calling 1-900-EXTREME MAKEOVER HOME EDITION. Just sayin.

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