Holy Mackerel

My hormonal ebbs and flows are slowly, but surely, killing me. If it's not a major migraine that lasts for what seems half a century, then it's uterine cramps that remind me why I will never have another child of my own, and when it's not one of those two things, my emotions are screaming inside my head and it feels like my brain is eating itself. And, what makes all this even better is that -- YES!! -- my perimenopausal decrepitude might last 10 years! And then I will shrivel up and die. Awesome. Here's but one example of my utter irrationality during this time in my life. I am sure Mr. Handsome could throw out about 3.478 more examples just off the top of his pointy head, but he's still busy trying to rip the duct tape off his mouth. We were supposed to go to the movies on Wednesday, and I got all excited because we don't just go to the movies every day or anything, and I was also really looking forward to buying popcorn and putting loads of cholesterol-...

So it seems that I have finally finished my chemistry course, which deserves a national holiday of recognition in itself. That, and the fact that I am probably writing my biology exam this Saturday, and I guess you could say I can actually see the light at the end of the proverbial tunnel. Yay me. I also paid my tuition for my first term. Correction: Mr. Handsome paid for my tuition. I am now his hooker for life. So, I guess this whole college thing is slowly becoming a reality. I just have to get through two high school course exams, a driving test, and first aid/CPR, and it's a go! And all before the end of the month. Help. Meanwhile, my angelic children are still at camp, Gryphon is still glued to my leg, and Mr. Handsome has turned into an old man wearing a hat. Let me explain. Usually, when the kids go away to camp, he and I spend evenings doing fun things like going to the movies, eating out, and having sex on the kitchen counter pretending we're single and free aga...

I have 10 days of silence in front of me. Ten days of utter calm. Noiselessness. Peace. Stillness. The children have gone to camp, and the house has returned to the World of the Adults, where All Goodness equates Life Without Noise. I'm often at a loss when the kids go away to camp, because they're really a pretty big part of my life. OK, I'll admit it. They are my life. I eat, drink, dream and poop kid crap all day and night long. But I won't complain, because they fulfill me and make me whole. Gag. Seriously, though, they are a very large part of my every day, so when they go away, it makes a big difference in our home. Suddenly, there is no more screaming, "Stop sitting on my neck!" and "I'm telling Mommy you said 'Shit' for the fifth time today!".There is no mess being made on a continual basis. There is no slamming of doors, and no pounding of feet on wooden stairs, and no milk being slurped a litre a minute, and no very expensi...

This is what I've been doing these past few weeks: All.Day.Long. Every day. And then one day just recently, this happened: I guess you could say it was a sort of chemically induced nervous breakdown. But based on entirely realistic expectations, meaning I knew deep down inside there was no way in hell I was going to pass this chemistry course unless maybe some magic pink unicorns came prancing by and sprinkled magic brain dust on me at just the right moment. But I knew THAT wasn't going to happen anytime soon. Magic pink unicorns are all busy right now trying to save Mel Gibson. And then, it happened. My knight in shining armour, my saving grace. My husband came to my rescue. I almost mauled him (in a good way) when he asked me if I'd want some help with the mathematical calculations and all the other crap that I couldn't care less about but need desperately to know in order to pass this course, and NOW! So, Mr. Handsome, who is extremely smart in man...

I've been outside maybe twice this entire week, spending the majority of my time holed up in the dining room, bedroom, or living room, with my laptop, chemistry books, and tissues for all the tears I'm shedding. Chemistry is not easy, guys. Who knew?! I certainly didn't. Here I thought, 'How hard can a few chemical compounds and some letters and numbers be?! For god's sake, I've got a university degree.' If you asked me now, my thoughts would more simulate the following: '*&$HYH#^TD)(@@":#&$^%(!!!!!!' And now, because I have to pass this chemistry course in order to get into the paramedic program this fall, Mr. Handsome has taken it upon himself to study it so that he can help me with all the mathematical equations and chemical blahblahblah because he is the Dr. Spock in our family, whereas I am  more the Kate Gosselin. Enough said. I would like to say that I now have full proof that Mr. Handsome does indeed love me, becaus...

Holy crap, guys. It's almost July! And I have so much stuff to do between now and the end of July that just thinking about it makes my anus clench in a perpetual cramp. Either way you look at it, it's not pleasant. On a somewhat brighter note, I've pretty much finished the Biology portion of my pre-requisites for the paramedic program this fall, so I'm halfway there. Sort of. Fact is, this chemistry is kicking my butt. I almost enjoyed biology, and even learned a few things. Chemistry? Not so much. I mean, who really cares what happens when you mix 4F + 3(CO) 2 ? Not me. And what's worse is I'm pretty darn sure I don't need to know one iota of this in order to be a paramedic. I have now spent the better part of three days trying to figure out how to balance chemical equations, and I can now finally say that I UNDERSTAND!!! And now I also understand why I should have taken Grade 11 chemistry BEFORE Grade 12. And then I found out that Michelangelo has been...