Holy Mackerel

My left ear was the last straw. As Mr. Handsome so succinctly put it, "Can't anything on you work?" Well, I guess the short answer to that would be, "Apparently not." I thought today we'd start taking a closer look at my various body parts, one by one, to give you an idea of who I am, or perhaps, what I'm not. In today's lesson, we have the head. Overall, not bad. Head coverage, that is. My hair is usually pretty good. My crowning glory. Yes, I have to over-condition it now that I'm aging, so that it doesn't come out of the shower looking like an old Brillo pad. But, in the grand scheme of overall bodily function, it's no problemo. Then, we come to the skull and the brain within. Lots of headaches. Bad ones. Bad bad migraines that at times cripple me, and make me lie in the fetal position on the bed, sucking my left thumb and whimpering. Been dealing with those since I was four years old, actually. No one believed me back then, however. ...

I went shopping the other night and bought myself a new bra. Two, actually, since the second one was 50 per cent off and I am in desperate need of good bras. Let me just pre-empt your comments (and you know who you are) and let you know that, yes, I do have breasts large enough to fit a bra. No, not a training bra. Very funny. So what if my daughter is already bigger than me? Anyway, as I was saying, I bought myself two new bras. Maidenform, to be exact. I really like them. This is why: Yes, these are actually my breasts. My bras are push-up bras, and for you men out there, that means they are made in a special way so that when you stuff your breasties into it, the special bra formation squeezes the mammaries and pushes them upward so that -- voila! -- you can almost have the breasts of Dolly Parton without the back problem! These bras make your whole frontal scene a much more pleasant place to view, especially when you reach my age, and your frontal scene is more akin to this: I...