Unconditional Love In The Midst of Hatred
I've been out of commission now for two days, and I hate myself for it.
Lying on the couch or in bed, clutching my lower abdomen and writhing in pain, nauseated. Ahh, I'm such a sight to behold. It's a wonder Mr. Handsome will still even look at me or want to hold my hand or give me a kiss. Last night and all day today, in addition to the gut pain, I've had a migraine that is finally starting to lift, but is still threatening to return, so it will be more medication tonight. Thank the lord for codeine.
I've never been a healthy person, but the past seven months have been outrageously disgustingly overridden with illness, both physical and mental. Perimenopause has been anything but easy for me. Coupled with abdominal issues I am dealing with, and arthritis that seems to be worsening as I get older, it's no wonder I don't feel like getting out of bed most days.
I've been feeling so unwell that I've had to put my career in real estate on hold, which has been very difficult for me to contend with, and am now doing contract work here and there so that I can continue bringing in some money and not feel like a totally useless part of the household.
Today, as I lay on the couch, hand covering my eyes, waiting for the codeine and Tylenol to take effect, I listened to my darling family cleaning around me. My husband worked at fixing some cupboards in the kitchen that have fallen apart, "Dennis" swept the entire kitchen and dining room, cleaned out drawers, and vacuumed the living room, and "Milly" washed Tupperware and multiple loads of dishes, cleaned the dining room, and cleaned, organized and restocked the pantry. Then Mr. Handsome made dinner. And all the while, I groaned, moaned, wept, and slept.
I know my family resents this. I can feel it. And it hurts me so deeply, I can't even begin to explain. I don't blame them for feeling this way. I probably would to, if a person just sat around most of the time, doing nothing. They don't complain. But the silence is jarring.
I hate that my house is a mess much of the time, until Mr. Handsome and the kids have the time to work on it. I hate it, but I can't do anything about it, which only makes me hate it all the more. I hate that many people assume my home is messy because I/we don't care. I hate being embarrassed about letting people into my home unless given many days' notice, and even then, I know it's not good enough. I hate that I feel terrible and so guilty when Mr. Handsome's mother notices how clean the bathroom is, which to me means it's normally not. I hate that my daughter doesn't understand and thinks I'm just lazy. I think that hurts me most. I don't blame her though; she's too young and in the midst of teenage angst.
Mr. Handsome is beyond understanding when I tell him I can't. He just accepts it and does what needs to be done. And for this, I'm grateful. But also afraid. Afraid that one day he's just going to have enough of me and my pain, and that will be that. And maybe I don't blame him. After all, it must be pretty difficult to have to deal with, day in and day out. I'm sure he didn't plan on this when he asked me to marry him.
What would I do without him? More days than not, I feel I don't deserve such a kind and understanding man as my husband. I am really such a burden.
I wonder how it happened that I even met this man, this man who holds my hand when I'm smiling and when I'm crying. What did I do to deserve his sweetness, his care, his love, in the midst of many days of my taking and not giving?
On days when I feel well, energized, and able, my god I get things done. I don't stop because I know this time is fleeting, and tomorrow may be another hard and awful day. I can't take a moment for granted. Unfortunately, those 'good' days are few and far between.
I also realize how very fortunate I truly am. I have someone in my life who sticks by me through thick and thin, good and bad, beautiful and ugly. At least, this is what I feel in my heart. Once upon a time, I doubted this would last, and actually sometimes believed the opposite. But not anymore. Now I know he will always be there for me. I know it in my heart.
And so I consider myself the luckiest girl in the world. I have the unconditional love of someone, even though I cannot always love myself. And that is truly an irreplaceable gift.