Holy Mackerel

I was a ninja yesterday. I had to go down to City Hall to renew Dee's health insurance card, but instead of City Hall, I ended up going to the provincial courthouse, which could have been disastrous, seeing as they have courts of law there, and maybe even a jail cell or two. Instead, what happened was brilliant (say that last word with an English accent and with vigour).Because as I walked into the courthouse, I realized almost immediately that I was in the wrong place. Actually, that's a complete and utter lie. I had no idea where I was. All I knew was that the place was buzzing with the po po, and I was as happy as a sandboy (what the hell does that even mean?!). The lady at the counter told me I was in the wrong place, and I couldn't stop staring at her because her eyes freaked me out. It was difficult looking at her because I was never sure which eye I should be looking at. Ever had that experience? It sort of feels like you've had a few too many vodkas and cranb...

So, as I mentioned very briefly and selflessly the other day , I totally saved a school (and probably the entire country) from definite demise, and I am now waiting patiently by the phone for the city to call and offer me an award or maybe even the Order of Canada because I obviously totally deserve it. Although, I'm pretty sure the city doesn't give out the Order of Canada. Well, they should. Let me explain. The other evening, I suddenly became very enthusiastic about going for a walk. Mr. Handsome, Em and Dee looked at me like I had finally gone over the edge (because they know that is totally going to happen, it's not a question of "if", it's a question of "when"), so I had to tone down the enthusiasm a wee bit and repeat myself so that I made it clear that I was totally serious. Then Dee pipes up that he'd love to go for a walk with me, after first getting a small nod from Mr. Handsome that he'd probably be okay going alone with me. S...

So, the other day, I did something that is, even for me, amazingly stupid with a capital "S". I was driving Em to a shopping mall parking lot, which was a pick-up point for a camp she was going to for the weekend. I looked all disheveled, not having washed my hair, and having thrown on a dirty pair of sweats. I also was experiencing Day Three of a migraine, which often makes me look like this: Not only that (if you can imagine things getting any worse) but I was driving my dad's old car, with a rusting license plate and a heater that doesn't work. It also had a plastic dog poop in the back window before Mr. Handsome demanded it be taken down. Now, it's in the glove compartment, a much better location. So, I was driving along a busy road, worrying that we were going to be late dropping Em off for the bus to camp because she demanded I go through the Tim Horton's drive-thru for an iced cappuccino, which I did because she was buying. I managed to time things per...

So, guys, I went to Dee's school's Volunteer Thank You Breakfast a couple of days ago. It's the school staff's way of saying "thank you" to the parents who volunteer their time to help things go more smoothly at the school, as well as to provide extra-curricular activities that would otherwise not be available to the students. I don't do much, but for the past few years, a couple of times a week, I'd go into the school office first thing in the morning and do something called "safe arrival", where I take attendance for all the kids at school. If a child is absent, the parent is supposed to call the school and let them know, so that we don't start freaking out and call the police and get search parties out blahblahblah. Of course, more often than not, the parents don't bother calling, so it's my job to call them and shit on them make sure their precious little ones are safely ensconced at home. I actually quite enjoy doing this, ...

The next step is being taken. The principal at Dee's school is sending a letter to Ass' parents with a warning . That is apparently "the next step" in the seemingly unending politically correct procedure of our school board, such as it is. Apparently, the principal was under the impression that Dee and Ass had a little "thing" going, and that it was more a reciprocal relationship of mutual abuse than one-sided instigation on Ass' part. She also did not understand the extremity and consistency of Ass' physical and mental abuse toward my son. Perhaps the grey bags under my eyes, the disheveled hair, and the gradual decibel increase in my voice helped her understand. I was calm, but I'm sure she could sense the keen desperation in my voice when I finally set her straight on the facts. I looked her in the eyes, and I said, "We are not tolerating this situation any longer. We can't. You've got to do something, and now. And it's got t...