Soothing My Savage Beasts With The Over The Shoulder Boulder Holder

I went shopping the other night and bought myself a new bra. Two, actually, since the second one was 50 per cent off and I am in desperate need of good bras. Let me just pre-empt your comments (and you know who you are) and let you know that, yes, I do have breasts large enough to fit a bra. No, not a training bra. Very funny.

So what if my daughter is already bigger than me?

Anyway, as I was saying, I bought myself two new bras. Maidenform, to be exact. I really like them.

This is why:


Yes, these are actually my breasts.

My bras are push-up bras, and for you men out there, that means they are made in a special way so that when you stuff your breasties into it, the special bra formation squeezes the mammaries and pushes them upward so that -- voila! -- you can almost have the breasts of Dolly Parton without the back problem!

These bras make your whole frontal scene a much more pleasant place to view, especially when you reach my age, and your frontal scene is more akin to this:

I pretty much look like that, except with longer blonde hair. His brows are a nicer shape than mine as well. Damn it.

But his breasts...they look exactly like mine. In fact, they look somewhat better than mine. I'm jealous.

In addition to enhancing my mamilla, these new bras of mine are sure coming in handy at my two-week office job, where I'm filing for seven hours a day with a smile on my face, as I look at people's names and snicker. Names like "Yeung Butfouk". Get it? And I did not make that name up. Say it three times fast and you'll get it. No, I don't work in a pornographic studio.

Why do these bras come in handy at the office, you ask, bringing me back to my topic once again? Because they cause me to have something called "cleavage". And cleavage is not something I can usually say I own (see above). Not even a little. Because my mammaries are too small, and they live somewhere below my navel region on a good day. Except when I lie down, and then they cuddle up on either side of me like little puppies. Hence, no cleavage. At all. Ever.

Anyway, when I put on these magical bras, it's like a transformation before my eyes. A transformation like no other. And the best part, getting back to the office filing job...I have found that my breasts can now act like an extra set of hands! Yes, I can gingerly perch a multitude of files in-between my breasts, thanks to my Maidenform cleavage-forming brassiere, and go about my business putting files away, using both my hands since they are now free from holding said files!

I tried to get a picture of this, but alas, you'll have to imagine it. I dare you.