The Moon

I started a job Monday that is supposed to last two weeks. I'm not, however, sure I'm going to last. Keep checking the obits.

I am doing some filing for an organization. This is my way of contributing to society as well as to the family, while I take a mental health break from my life as I've known it for the past four years. Filing should probably be the most laidback, easygoing, mind-numbing job there is. And it is.

Until you notice you wore the wrong pants to your first day at work.

By "wrong pants", I do not mean pants that are inappropriate for the office. What I mean specifically is pants that, although they look amazingly awesome and make my buttocks look very firm, they tend to fall down and do this ...

...when I do this. And I did this a lot.

Not only once. Oh no. A more accurate number would be, maybe, 2,304 times. Because what I was doing all day long was standing, reaching for files, pulling said files out of shelving unit, setting file down on little tiny table, inserting missing papers into said file folder in proper office-like order, then putting file folder back onto shelf in proper spot. Every single time I reached up, bent down, turned my torso with the awesome-looking butt, or even thought about sitting down, the pants that make my butt look like Jennifer Aniston's would slideslideslide down until my ass was saying hel-lo!

What was even worse about this situation was that I was stuck with these pants for a whole day of bending, pulling them up, bending, pulling them up, all the while trying to be surreptitious about it because there were other people in the room, including a very young man who I am sure would get really grossed out if he saw this 40-something broad pulling at her ass all day long.

And what was even worse than the worse thing above was that I knew all about the way these pants behave before I put them on. I knew they would fall down around my knees, exposing my very firm buttock cheeks. And I still put them on. Bring it on, I say! Because that's the kind of person I am.

I ended up pulling at my ass a lot on Monday. And when I sat down, so that my butt would not be exposed to the very young man who was also filing very important papers with me, I would pull my sweater down and sit on it. Try doing that with one hand while your other hand is carefully balancing a sheaf full of papers, three file folders, and a Sharpie. And now the back of my once-beautiful sweater looks like a beaver tail.

Let's just say I won't be wearing those pants again for awhile. Like. Forever.

Now that that's taken care of, I have to decide if I want to continue working at this office for two weeks. The thing is, while the people there are actually really great, and if I hadn't been wearing those pants, I would have nothing to really complain about ... I have discovered that filing actually kills me. Yes, that's right. Filing papers is too hard on my lithe little sparrow of a body. I am actually so sore as I write this, I am going to have to drink at least three times the amount of vodka and have minimum four times the amount of pain relievers so that I can even sleep, let alone get up tomorrow and do it all over again.

This office is actually a medical organization, which is kind of funny. Funny because maybe, instead of working for them, I could...

... maybe register with them and get them to come to my home and take care of me. And then I could put those pants away, put on a nightie, and enjoy my sponge bath.


Just A Chic... said…
My daughter has that problem no matter which pants she wears. That little coin slot is always peeking up at the top.
♥georgie♥ said…
LMAO...oh this is why I wear stretchy pants...too funny!
This post is hilarious and believe it or not is right up my alley. I work as a bridge/roadway construction inspector, but sometimes I think my title should be "The Butt Crack Inspector." I have seen more butt cracks in my 7 years of inspection than anyone should have to endure in a lifetime.

Just to put your mind at ease a little. Don't feel bad about your crack flashing at the office. I had an incident where I was checking the dimensions of an approach slab on a bridge. As I was bent over measuring I kept hearing a huge commotion coming from the nearby interstate. Horns beeping, people yelling... needless to say one of my fellow inspectors came up to me laughing and informed me "YOUR CRACK IS SHOWING!!"
I'm sure no one was offended by a cute boot! I have pants that do that too, I refuse to get rid of them. I just try to wear them on days when I don't have to do a lot of bending!
Have a great day~
♥ Lilly
Soxy Deb said…
I too once had a pair of pants like that. I too knew what would happen and wore them anyway.
It was a long day. I never wore them again. EVER.
~*Jobthingy*~ said…
ha! i have had a few days like this.

mainly because i forgot to toss my belt on running out the door.

i know your pain
Jane! said…
Aah, you'll get used to it. Think of it as a 2-week workout that you get PAID for!
It might be better than having to sit in one place all day until your butt falls asleep and your back starts to hurt and your next is SO twisted....
Yaya said…
Hahaha! You couldn't find a makeshift belt?

The proper thing to wear is the Snuggie!
Tenakim said…
OMG- that's so funny- I have those kind of pants- I gotta give it to you- as big as bowling balls- girl! And very funny!
blueviolet said…
I would totally take that job if you don't want it. I'll even wear your pants.
Shupe said…
Ya, My children call it the Pencil Holder.
Go figure!!!
Guess you could have done that-

I don't like my panties to show, nor my butt crack in public- I understand your pain!
I have a tattoo on my lower back so I'd be flashing it all day :)
♥Trina♥ said…
My favorite jeans have a tendancy to get all stretched out and I end up pulling them up all day long. But they are my faves, so i just keep pulling.
Jenni Jiggety said…
I have that same pair of pants, Mary. Why do I keep them? I have NO idea..

Maybe you should start lifting stacks of papers at home to TRAIN for the job? Possible jog in place while carrying some file folders?
Tina said…
hey mate just passing through with a tag. i shall be back to comment ;)
nikkicrumpet said…
LOL I loved this story...I totally cracked up about the "beaver tail" sweater. Hey maybe the young filing hottie can give you the sponge bath!!!
Blonde Goddess said…
HEY! I found the picture of the guy with the flu when I did a google search and used it for my flu blog post.
What a miserable looking guy!

Personally I enjoy checking out various butt cracks. The funniest one I ever saw was one guy who had two hands tattooed on his ass, reaching out from the crack with a little "Help" caption at the top of his ass crack.

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