Ohhhd To My Biweekly Visit. Period.

Perimenopause. That's what this post is about. So, if you're a guy, and you want to skip it, I don't blame you. Go here instead, for a great manly post about male genitalia that's sure to tickle your fancy, put a smile on your face and a banana in your pocket.

I had to look up "biweekly" because, ever since I was an innocent young girl, I would always confuse "biweekly" with "semi-weekly" and with "bimonthly". You know, they more or less mean the same thing, depending on who you talk to. So, I decided to only speak to people who were in total agreement with me about "biweekly" meaning "every two weeks", not "twice a week", because, in the context of this post, twice a week would be waaay too much for me to handle.

So, now that we've decidedly defined our terms, let's move on, shall we?

Let's just say I have been, for the past four to five months (although it seems more like three lifetimes), having my period every two weeks instead of the more regularly acceptable monthly version. Wait a minute! Backspace and erase that. The monthly version of a woman's period is not really acceptable either. Let's just say it's barely tolerated, and if it weren't for the fact that it's a necessary evil in order for us to be able to bear those annoying, yet adorable children of ours, I am sure most humans of the female species, given the choice, would let men take care of the monthly business instead.

Now, once a month is okay, as long as it's not overly painful and draining, which it most often is, so usually that means once a month is obviously anything but okay... but every two weeks?! Come on, Mother Nature. Let's be real. Who in heaven's name wants to deal with this every second week, twice a month?! No one, that's who. Not even The Goddess.

On my weeks "off", I am trying to recapture my energy that was completely drained from me the week before. However, that only lasts a couple of days, really, because the cycle starts all over again soon after that, with the draining fatigue, the extreme abdominal pain and bloating, the dread, the lack of sleep, the migraine headaches. I've barely had the energy to watch Dog The Bounty Hunter and eat my supersized bag of Cheetos. I know, hard to believe, but very true.

I just came back from the Superstore to stock up on my quickly dwindling supply of sanitary napkins. Of course, I need an assortment of sizes and shapes, from maxi and super absorbent, to extra long, nighttime pads, to daily, "keep fresh" pads, depending on my time of the week, obviously.

I spent $50 on pads. Fifty dollars. 5-0. That should take me to next week.

I'm thinking of coming up with a pad that lasts a week. Kind of like disposable contact lenses, but maybe not as dainty.

The government, I have decided, needs to start donating toward this very worthy cause. The Perimenopause Fund. I don't see why I shouldn't get some support in this endeavour, seeing as it's totally out of my control. Not only that, but I'm not even enjoying it, not even a little bit. And, as I see it, it is society's responsibility to ensure that women like myself do not have to break the bank in order to make sure we have enough sanitary supplies at our fingertips for our biweekly "visit".

Especially with the mean age of society progressing as it is ... more and more women are obviously reaching the ripe old age of perimenopause with a vengeance. Come on politicians! Let's be proactive for a change! Give us perimenopausal and cranky women a break already!

I would say it's akin to financially helping new mothers take maternity leave to take care of their babies. Except this is the other end of the cycle really. Is that too much to ask?

And if you are hastening to disagree, just remember what could very well happen were I to run out of said sanitary napkins and not be able to afford another package until two cycles from now... that's right. Then it wouldn't be just my problem, would it... Oh, changing your tune now, are you?

Yeah, you don't want to go there.


A. K. said…
k Am not gonna read this.... Anyway, happy monday!
Megryansmom said…
I'm not laughing, but I am, Been there done that, I feel your pain.
Skye said…
The way I see it is, that the whole perimenopausal thing with the biweekly period, is simply there to make up for the lack of periods once menopause is actually hit. Granted, then a gal has all that temperature fluctuation and the mood swings are even worse, but hey, at least the bloody mess is done with!

Personally I think we women have a flaw in our design. Menstration is there so we can have children, right? So, why, when we're done having kids, doesn't the bleeding part just go away? Why do we have to suffer with it for years after the birthing stuff is done? And why do we have to suffer so much more once the bloody mess does finally quit permanently? If there is a God, he's gotta be male, 'cause no female would play such a cruel joke on those created in her image!
Philly said…
I feel your pain sista. I'm right there with you. I'm lucky if some months I stop for a week, I just bleed right into the next cycle.
It's so much fun!!

My Goodness....2 times a month??? That's horrible!
I haven't had to deal with that for a while, because when my period started in November and still hadn't stopped in January, the doctors yanked my uterus out! What a Merry Christmas we all had that year!
I hope things slow down soon~
Helene said…
I totally know what you mean!! I haven't had a period since last June so I'm pretty close to being menopausal (and I'm not even 40 yet!!) but a few months before my period stopped, it was just like yours. Very heavy and came more often than I expected...my husband actually added up how much money we were spending on feminine hygiene products and I was like "do you THINK I LIKE this...it's not like I'm splurging on a new pair of shoes 2x a month".

I feel your pain!! Thank you for your comment on my blog! Glad you stopped by!
~*Jobthingy*~ said…
ack! i cant.. CANT tolerate once a month.. and you have it twice?

how are you not an alcoholic
pam said…
Oh what a pain. There is something to look forward to!!

Great post. But I doubt the Canadian government is going to step up!!
Jen said…
I have never felt so lucky to have a thyroid disorder before. I rarely get a period. I still have all the mood swings and craving but at least the mess and pain is kept to a minimum. And yes, I pay for this little blessing by having to watch everything I eat since I was 12 years old, always being cold and tired. Probably worth it in the long run but still. I hope you get more Cheetos soon.
Jeanne said…
Wow, that sucks. (I've been menopausal for 10 years, but I lost my uterus a loooong time ago, so at least I didn't have that to deal with.

Just hot flashes with a side order of homicidal anger.... I do HRT as a public service.

Thanks for coming to visit!
Hmmmm. I skipped from every 28 days since I was 12 to once every 4 months. Only I get to keep the bloat in between. When does this end?
Ack....I guess I'll be happy with my never-know-when-it-is-coming....could be 2 weeks. could be 20 weeks. But I sure am moody and tired all the time.....
Jenni Jiggety said…
Oh man...these days are speeding in my direction Mary! I already have the night sweats!
Kathleen said…
Just last month I celebrated one year without a period. Whooo Whoo! I gave that dusty box of tampons in the back of the cupboard to my son's girlfriend. Once you get past the "peri" part of menopause, life is good.

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