Waxing Poetic

I've just re-read the past few posts, and I'm ashamed.

I apologize profusely to every one of you, my faithful readers, who continued to read my posts, regardless of the painful, egocentrical blathering I did about myself, my mother and my teenage-angsted daughter.

I also wanted to thank each and every one of you for your warm thoughts and great advice. I am so fortunate to have so many friends throughout the world. Amazing, really. Boggles the mind (which, mind you, doesn't take much in my case).

You've had enough of this, I'm sure. I know I have. Time to move on.

Uh oh, I think I'm now getting a cold sore due to the stress of re-reading those posts. I can feel it brewing under my skin, right above my lip. This does not bode well for all those job interviews I know are about to come my way. I mean, who wants to hire someone with major issues who also has a blown-up, pus-filled balloon hanging off her upper lip?

I thought a great way to de-stress would be to finally use my new wax product that I bought to remove my many facial hairs that I seem to have growing on my chin and upper lip, like an army slowly creeping up on me, about to take over the country that is my face. Since spring sprang last weekend, I thought there would be no better way to celebrate than my removing unwanted hair follicles from my previously virgin face. I would say it's almost poetic: the waxing of the face, removing unwanted growth, as the first flowers take root and poke through the snow, greeting the new season. Do you see the amazing and poetic juxtaposition of those two images? I know, I can be pretty damn profound when I want to be.

I bought the Wax-A-Way Sugar Formula Long Term Hair Removal kit not too long ago for just this procedure. I was so looking forward to finally getting rid of the hairs that have been plaguing me for quite some time now. Hairs that have no place whatsoever on my face, except maybe to keep it a bit warmer on those cold, blustery days.

But spring is now here, and soon enough we will have temperatures that don't freeze the proverbial testicles off the bulls at the proverbial farm, so I have to be prepared. Because, if there's one thing I won't do, it's waltz around the neighbourhood in a tank top, shorts and a moustache.

And let's talk about legs for a moment, if you don't mind. I just realized that I have not shorn my legs all winter long. Kind of a naturally-occurring long john undergarment, if you will. And up here in the north, eh, we need all the coverage we can get on those cold winter nights.

Although they've done their duty, it's now time to shave them. I'm just not sure if a regular razor is going to do the trick. I may need a heavy-duty lawnmower and a weed whacker to get in-between my toes.

You don't understand. I have hairy legs. And I mean hairy. As in, lots of hair. So much hair, in fact, that I've had to resort to wearing spandex just so that I can wear something over my legs since my pants no longer fit circumferentially. And I don't wear skirts unless I am forced to under threat of death or sex.

Getting back to the face now... I bought the all-natural waxing formula because I thought it would be best for my oh-so-delicate and sensitive skin. It was also on sale, and I got extra points as well to use in my daily purchase of Cheetos and Coffee Crisp chocolate bars. In addition, I thought it would be pretty easy to use because you can apparently use it either hot or cold, and you can re-use the strips, and I'm all about recycling. I've almost gone as far as buying re-usable menstrual pads, but decided that even I cannot bring myself to such gruesome tasks.

I have yet to use the waxing treatment on my oh-so-delicate face. It's a little scary, if truth be told. I have also yet to shave my legumes. So, I thought I'd save that for another post, because you can be sure it's going to be a good one.