I never thought I'd see the day when I'd cry tears as I watched an episode of The Celebrity Apprentice. I mean, who does that? I've cried over Donald Trump's freaking hair, but that's another story.
This is the real deal, people. I cried real tears of sadness.
This was mostly the result of watching the latest episode of The Apprentice, where Dennis Rodman was planted as project manager, and we watched as he went into his downward spiral, which he has done before a couple of episodes ago, but this time, you saw in more detail the reason behind it.
He's an alcoholic, and he's a sad man, and he needs help.
And it makes me so sad, because here is this man who has the whole world in his hands, and could do anything he wants, and yet, he ruins it all through his addiction to alcohol. And it's totally out of his control.
What may be the saddest part of all this is that he is so far from ready to admit that he even has a problem. And that reminded me of my mother and my younger brother. Not alcoholics, but so far from admitting that they both had/have major mental health problems, and it's so sad to watch as they fight a battle that only they believe they have to fight. And I guess, it's really just a very personal fight, an internal fight, a self-hatred. And I don't think there's anything in this world sadder than that.
I saw it in my mother and in my brother, and I saw it in myself many years ago. Not the mental illness, but the loneliness, the aloneness, the self-hatred, the longing to just be liked, to like oneself even just a little bit. And I recognized the internal, silent screaming. That was me.
It brought back a lot of emotion about my childhood, about my struggle to be someone, to feel like I was okay and deserved to be loved, to love myself. Our whole family struggled with these issues, and we will until the day we die.And I saw it last night in Rodman.
Watching Rodman deny that he had a problem, and watching him desperately have another, and yet another drink to soothe his pain, was almost too hard to watch. I hope he finds his way.
And when they were all sitting in the Room of Judgment, in front of Donald Trump, at one point Rodman verbally attacks Jesse James, after Jesse states that it's clear Rodman has a drinking problem. Rodman reacts by defensively pointing the finger at Jesse, and states he should talk because he too had a drinking problem at one point (apparently Jesse had a bit of an addiction issue about nine years ago).
Then they show James' face, and I swear to god, he was crying. He didn't shed tears, but he sure looked upset. His little chin was all a-quiver, which makes my heart go pitter patter, and my knickers get all twisted. He was upset that the finger had been pointed back at him so unfairly, but I think he was much more upset that Rodman was so screwed up, and that he was wrecking what could be an amazing life.