So, I thought I'd celebrate my 166th post today! Being the rebel that I am, the outcast, the pacesetter, the chieftain of my own domain, I thought to myself, "Poodle, why bother waiting until the 200th post when you could celebrate your own existence at the 166th post?!"
Plus, I had nothing to write about again today, and haven't quite finished my reviews yet to post, and have to get groceries since all we have in the house for dinner is a pork tenderloin and an onion, and I have to shower (it's been a week).
How to celebrate my 166th post...that is the question.
Oh, I know! I'll give you all what you've been waiting for... a whole bunch of information about me. But wait! Although I am all-knowing and all-giving, I don't really know exactly what all of you want to know about me, or don't yet know about me. So, I will start this off by giving out some juicy tidbits that I know you've all been waiting for, and then, I will in return ask you all to ask me a question that you want to know about me, and I will then answer them in a future post, when I again have absolutely nothing to talk about, and am too lazy and full of vodka to be able to see straight, and my ginfers keep hiting the wrong keyse on the keybord.
OK, so here goes. Just remember, since I am such a giver, and am doing this favour for you, I expect at least as much in return. So, ask away!
Things about me that you've all wanted to know:
1. My real name is Maria, pronounced Mah-ree-ah, but I go by Mary because I'm not pretentious in the least.
2. I am 46 years old, but feel like 95 on good days.
3. I often get up with trenches in my face that last longer than 24 hours. Thank god for MAC cover-up make-up, which I believe they also use on corpses.
4. I have two children, Em and Dee, and a husband, Mr. Handsome, who make me complete and whole.
5. I have been to Mexico three times, and one of those times, have ridden on a bus to Chichen Itza, with a bunch of local residents and their chickens. Not lying.
6. I sometimes belch uncontrollably.
7. I have hair on my face.
8. I sometimes have bad experiences in bathrooms that I'd rather not think about. I know you understand.
9. I am my own comedy show. Sometimes I am the only one who laughs at my jokes.
10. My friends think I'm crazy. They're probably right.
11. I was really skinny and fugly as a youngster. Nicknames I often heard: "ostrich legs" and "dog" and "log". Don't ask about "log" because I don't know.
12. I had my ears pierced when I was 13 years old, and then again a year ago, as a bonding experience with my daughter. Next, tattoos on our butts.
13. I fell flat on my face in Pompeii. Don't wear clogs on cobblestone streets.
14. I could use some help in the housekeeping department. OK, you can all stop saying, "No kidding!" in unison. I can hear you.
15. I want to move to a warmer climate, but Florida kind of scares me, and also, I'm not American, so getting a green card would be pretty much impossible, unless someone reads this and wants to sponsor me.
16. I am terrible at math. It is a foreign language to me. And it embarrasses me that I am so bad that my children have been better at it than I since before they could walk.
17. I am really really really good at spelling words. Almost idiot savant-like. Try me. I dare you.
18. Sometimes I have no patience. Other times I have more patience than anyone I know.
19. I wish I could have a healthy body and feel well more of the time. Feeling icky is not my idea of fun, although it's nice when someone feels sorry for me and gives me food and a pat on the head. I'm not above being patronized.
20. I got robbed on a bus in Mexico, and felt like I was in a movie when they locked the bus up and got the military police to surround it, and then searched everyone, just for me. Never found the purse...but they did find my identification a few days later on an island. I had a thoughtful robber.
21. I went through 35+ hours of labour and over 8 hours of pushing with our daughter, Em, and thought I was going to die. Honest. Of course, I didn't, but for about six months after, sometimes wished I had because I was so sick and Mr. Handsome had just started working on his PhD, and was never home, and I felt so alone and lonely and...I think I'm almost over it now.
22. I was lost for two years after Dee was finished with all his cancer treatment. I didn't know what to do with myself. So I would sit on the couch, nursing him, and stare out the window.
23. I used to wish I had bigger breasts. Now I just wish they were evenly-sized, and at the same level. Oh, and I wish they didn't droop below my navel and have stretch marks. Thanks, Dee.
24. My feet are cold most of the time.
25. I wish I could take all the homeless animals home with me and take care of them.
26. I look forward to Christmas all year long, but when it's here, I get depressed.
27. I wish my childhood had been different, but then again, maybe not, because then I wouldn't be the person I am today, and I kind of like that person.
There, that's good, I think. Stop at #27 because it's as good a number as 30 or 50, and I really have to get groceries now. And change my underwear.
I am a 46-year-old mom of two amazing children and wife to a wonderful and very patient man, and a lucky friend to many. I am a Realtor and a writer, but have also been a journalist, editor, and daycare provider. Not every day is a good day, but I sure try to keep smiling.