Cockatoo or Kids -- It's a Toss-Up

After the past few days, I can totally relate to Donna Greenwell.

Who is Donna Greenwell, you ask?

Well, she's a trucker in Louisiana who apparently traded two children in her care for a cockatoo and $175.

At this point, I don't blame her. In fact, I'd like to meet her. I want to be her BFF.

You see, for the past five days, I've been at home with my little bugger "Dennis", also known as "Dee", who had some surgery last Thursday and has since been pretty much bedridden and driving us all crazy in pain. We won't really talk about the weekend, because Mr. Handsome was here and took good care of Dee while I had three-hour naps and bubble baths. But, while the weekend was better since Mr. Handsome was present (in very loose terms here), I'm ignoring that because all the stress and worry still fell on my shoulders, as it always does. Even while I slept. That's what I mean. This is my life.

Little Dee is actually starting to do much better today, but man, those first four days...let me just say a cockatoo was looking pretty damn good. Forget the cockatoo. Just the $175 was looking mighty fine. Heck, I would have paid someone more than $175 by Sunday.

Dee is a great patient, for the most part. I don't blame him for crying because of the pain he has been in, or the frustration because he can't do anything for himself. If that bothered me, I wouldn't be much of a mother, would I? What kind of a mother do you think I am, for god's sake. In fact, my mothering instincts were in full force mode. I even shed a couple of real tears for him because there was nothing more I could do for him, and I knew he was feeling like a truck had just run over him a couple of times. If I could, I would have taken the pain for him in a milli-second. Honest.

Okay, maybe not for very long, but I would have done it for as long as I could have, as long as I had my bottle of vodka beside me, and a full bottle of Vicodin. Can you say empathy?

What was making me a little crazy these past few days was that Dee has been developing this habit of whining, and I don't do whining very well. Not well at all. In fact, not at all. Even if the whining is purposeful.

On top of that, Dee got into being very demanding, as in, "Help me up, I have to pee and I can't move." How rude, eh? Or, "Stop talking, because you're making me laugh, and laughing really hurts! So stoooooooopppp!" And then he'd start crying. So I would ply him with an extra dose of codeine and he would sleep for a few hours, giving me the peace and quiet I deserve.
And this is more than any mother should have to deal with. I'm sure you all agree. He could at least ask nicely, extreme pain or no pain. Right? I don't ask for much, really.

In addition to all this hullabaloo, Em wasn't making things any easier. She has been having way too much fun bullying her little brother, and sighing extra loudly whenever Dee cries, and telling him to be quiet or else. It just doesn't make for a very peaceful and relaxing home, which is all I really ask for in this wild world. And if the Goddess doesn't get her peace and quiet, no one's happy.

So, if anyone has a cockatoo, have I got a deal for you! At this point, I'll even consider one that isn't breathing...


Pearl said…
Poor little bugger! I hope it's something he'll only need to have done once?

And poor you! A child confined to a bed is an annoying -- uh, heart-rending thing...

Keep up the good spirits!

ChurchPunkMom said…
you want a cat? i've got a couple cats that need new homes.. and i think one is pregnant again..

she can be a little bitchy now and then, but she's more cuddly than bitchy.
Shana said…
Sorry about 'Dennis'
you are freakin' FUNNY
Bobby's Dream said…
LOL! Poor Mary. You can still use that full bottle of Vodka and the vicodin you know. Just let it numb this pain....hehe!

Sorry, I am all out of non breathing cockatoos.
Skye said…
I feel for ya! There are days when I could easily pay someone $1000 to take my kid too. Some days are just like that unfortunately. I do however, like to think that that's why blogs were created. It's a great place to unload!
Suburbia Steph said…
I can totally relate....I hope he's doing better! Not just for him, but for you too!
Blonde Goddess said…
Apparently you're not drinking enough vodka. That's the only way I survived all four of my kids staying home sick.
Jane! said…
I'm kind of curious who'd pay $175 plus a cockatoo for two (?) kids. Just goes to show that some people have too much money.... and cockatoos.
Hope the little guy is feeling better and your world returns to normal SOON.
Sandi said…
The bird thing is looking really good to me today!
Anonymous said…
Poor little man. I hope he's feeling better soon but really, the whining does have to stop.
Megryansmom said…
Keep the bird, I'll take $150, but there are no returns!
kel said…
I read that story today! It's so random... and weird.
A cockatoo and $175? Really?

LMAO. I think we've all been there.
Poor Dee ... I hope he's feeling better soon.
I hope you BOTH are doing better! Keep your chin up!
dani c said…
I'm thinking we should tem up and find this lady !!! We can all be BFF's with cockatoos..hope I spelled that
Soxy Deb said…
Well don't they look like a couple of crabby pattys?
I hope Dee's recovery is quickly coming to an end. I know what you mean about the whining. Not that you don't love em and all, but that crap has GOT TO GO!
Good luck!

Gees Louise, my word verification is "SUCKED" - that's priceless!!
Tina said…
lol you never know someone might type in exchange child for cockatoo in google and stumble upon your blog ;)

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