My Life Is The Disaster Movie

So, I got up yesterday morning and I looked like this:

That is, my hair looked like this. Nothing else did. Not the smile, nor the enthusiasm, nor the jazz hands.

And that is how my day started.

Still haven't got my old blogging moves back yet. March has been a tough month. Four funerals. Count 'em. Four. That might even be a record of sorts. I'm calling Guinness tomorrow.

I think there might even be a movie in there somewhere. Four Funerals And A Wedding.

And what with my mother passing away, it's thrown me for more of a loop than I was expecting. Let me correct that. I didn't know what to expect, and so now all these feelings keep popping up, and all these memories, and thoughts, and I often feel like I'm drowning in a vat of mac and cheese. And if you're wondering, it's not a good feeling. And it's very fattening.

I spent the majority of the day yesterday either on the phone or on the toilet. Neither one was very productive.

In-between phone calls and toilet runs, I had what I think may have been an anxiety attack. My whole body trembled, I felt like I was going to explode, and I had to knead the couch cushions because otherwise I would have thrown the television remote through the window. What is wrong with me? This is the second time this week that this has happened. I hope it doesn't happen again. I'd rather have major hot flashes and scabies. At the same time.

It was awful, really. Totally uncontrollable irritability. Please tell me I'm not going whacko.

And then, obviously I'd had such a stressful and energy-draining day from eating Cheetos and Coffee Crisps, answering the phone and sitting on the toilet that once the kids got home from school, I went to bed for a two-hour nap. A two-hour nap! Bury me now because I'm obviously barely alive as it is.

And then Mr. Handsome comes home from work. Poor thing. The clouds opened up about three minutes into his bike ride home, and the rain came down in droves and poured on his little body all the way home. Pelting, cold, icy rain. He came in the door looking like the Iceman, and I didn't even know it was raining out. Why? Because I had been snuggled up under my duvet in the bedroom, dreaming wild and crazy dreams about circuses and old men in big houses, and drinking ginger ale and falling asleep and spilling said ginger ale all over my lap. No, I didn't pee the bed.

I was also supposed to go to the gym with my friend Slut yesterday evening, who goes to the gym primarily to show off her slutty body to everyone there, although if you asked her, she would say she was there to get in shape. Yeah. Whatev. I even have shoes now for the gym, so I was sure there was no excuse.

Alas, I was wrong. So wrong. Because there's always more to the story in my small, miniscule world of pain and misery. So, I didn't go to the gym, and now Slut will be angry with me, and she will spray her wrath all over kingdom come, and I will have to listen to her whine and go on and on and on about Responsibility, and Health, and Commitment. And I know I've let her down yet again, but really, I think I had a really good excuse.

You have to understand. I couldn't go. I just couldn't. I'm so tired. And I haven't yet prepared myself mentally to enter the hallowed gym once again and use its many contraptions and look in its many mirrors and watch my hanging ass fat flap over my sweats.

And Mr. Handsome hadn't yet made dinner. So, I was waiting for him to make dinner so that I could eat it and then go to the gym. But he was very very late with dinner, and what was I supposed to do? Because it was his turn to make dinner, and I will not go near the stove when it's Mr. Handsome's turn to make Spaghettios.

And my hair. It wasn't doing so well either.

I'm thinking maybe the weekend might be a better time to tackle the gym with Slut. Maybe by then, I'll have worked through all the images of extra flab and sweaty armpits and groaning body parts and be able to just concentrate on getting those abs back that I had once long, long ago ...


A. K. said…
This post is awesome.. Great to hear that your husband can cook!
I hope you will have a soothing and peaceful weekend.
Shana said…
Okay. First I am sorry that I laugh at what you write. But, you see, I have my own ass fat to think about. And I don't even go (or think about going) to the gym. I do walk a lot so that is bonus points for me, Yay me!!
You are one funny girl !!
You'll get your groove back, Stella!
You have had to deal with so much body AND your mind are exhausted.
Give yourself time to recover from all that has been thrown at you, then you'll look forward to going to the gym. Just don't stress about it~
Have a wonderful weekend Mary!
Lisa said…
Okay - you just made my day of feeling like crap with some cold/flu thing sound easy.

Sorry to hear about your mom. My condolences of your losses. What a hard month March has been for you.
Anonymous said…
The funk will pass. It really will. Four funerals in a month is really more than anyone should ever have to deal with. It takes time, Mary. ((((hugs))))
Steph said…
I think you've got your blogging groove just right, but what do I know? :grin:
Jane! said…
I know you don't want to hear it but.... the gym will probably make you feel BETTER. I know, cruel fact isn't it?
Vic said…
Hang in there - ( how can you expect it to be business as usual when you've had so much loss lately? Sounds pretty normal to me. Besides, I like to nap even when nothing hard is happening in my life. I guess I'm just lazy. :)
dizzblnd said…
You poor thing. What a month! You still have your sense of humor through it all, THAT will help keep you sane more than anything else. As for your shakes.. it may have been due to the stress and anxiety, grief, being sick. If it continues though, please get it checked .

I hope April will be a better month
Lana said…
No, my dear. You are not going whacko. What I could suggest though, is next time, kill 2 birds with one stone; Talk on the phone WHILE using the potty. Eh? What's a little grunt here and there? Hope you feel better soon. {{{HUGS}}}

PS - I kind of like the hair style...
Anonymous said…
There's something in the stars - I too have been feeling grumpy, tired and out of sorts for absolutely no reason these past 2 days. YOU have a reason for feeling this way, what's my excuse?

And you are a fine and funny writer...
Kristen Andrews said…
take it easy and have a good weekend!
Maggie May said…
Hi there! I'm a mother writer who IS a daycare provider :) I wanted to mention that my mom had great great success in stopping her 'symptoms' with high dose fish oil daily and some biodentical progesterone cream and Black Cohash supplements. I hope you feel better.
ModernMom said…
Oh My! I've been away for a couple of weeks and am so behind reading your blog! You have had a really hard month. I think anyone would be feeling some kind of anxiety type attack if they were in your shoes. Try and give yourself a break. Don't worry about your Slutty friend (she will understand)
Take care of you!
SO sorry to hear about all the anxiety and emotions you are going through. It sounds like you are just having one of those times in your life that we all have, that just aren't easy. But I know you will get through it. And who knows? Maybe going to the gym will be just what you need to feel BETTER, not worse. Otherwise, we are here for you to pour your heart out :)
kel said…
I crack up everytime I read your posts. You rock. And I say, there is no better accessory than jazz hands.
I think you should be easier on yourself! I agree with blueviolet: the funk will pass and it takes time. Screw the gym.

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