Another Day Of Hell

I just finished calling my daughter a f*cking bitch ... to her face.


I'm pretty sure she's old enough now to hear the truth, no mincing of words necessary...

She accused me of not being fair, once again, and I guess I've just had it. Today was not the day to play with my mind and play the old guilt trip on me.

I just buried my mother today. Do I need another reason?

I'm bitter, and I'm exhausted, and I'm sick and tired of being accused of never being good enough, of never having her best interests at heart, of not loving enough.

This time, it was about asking for my money back that I had given Em for her trip to Toronto. She didn't use it there, and it was given to her as an emergency fund. She immediately accused me of being unfair because she didn't have to spend the money, and I wanted it back. Somehow, this is all my fault and I should now feel bad about it. Then she had some other choice things to say about how I never do anything for her, and how I'm not much of a mother. Things I've heard coming out of her mouth before.

I didn't remind her of the money I spent at Lick's for whatever she wanted to eat, or the Starbucks drink I bought her because she wanted one, or the more-expensive-than-I-expected bedding I so excitedly put together in her bedroom so she'd be surprised when we got back home last weekend, or the offer to buy her new curtains and other things for her bedroom, or that I always try and make time to listen to her many stories about school or her friends, or that I always put down what I'm doing to braid her hair at night. I do this without complaint or expectations, as any good mother would do.

I'm especially tired of hearing her complaints and nasty words when I've just buried a mother who was not a very good mother, and I was pretty much justified in often thinking those things. I never actually said them to my mother, however, because I loved her and I didn't want to hurt her feelings. I realized the power of words. They can often hurt more than any weapon could. And although my mother was very good at the art of inflicting pain, I never reciprocated. I only tried harder to please her.

I think it's time Em realizes that words can hurt. A lot. And that I am nowhere near perfect, but that when she tells me I do nothing for her, that I am not a good mother, it really hurts deep inside, especially since I know how untrue it all is. And it upsets me because I think Em doesn't realize how fortunate she really is to have a mother who truly would do anything for her, who loves her unconditionally, and always will, and who always puts her first.

Of course, Em is in the throes of teenagehood, self-centred and full of anguish, and this is all very real to her.

But her words sting, and they hurt deep down inside, and they are the words I heard my mother speak to me, which makes them hurt all the more.

I hope she reads this, and realizes this. Because I just buried my mother, and I only wish I could have had in her what Em has in me.

Em, my mother never once told me she loved me. Think about that. And next time, think before you speak.


Shana said…
True, everything you said.
Thinking about you today!
Anonymous said…
My heart goes out to you during this difficult time.

I can't even imagine having a daughter lay into me during such a sad time.

I only know you through what you write here and I only see a kind, loving, funny, mother, wife, and woman.

Can't live with them, and it's illegal to hang them up-side-down by their toes in the basement! I have 2 that tell me I'm a horrible person...while they have their grubby little hands out. I feel for you. And ((hugs)) for the difficult day.
You are having a truly horrible week. Good wishes to you.
Bon Don said…
Hugs to you on this awful day... I'm always told that "One Day" children will be grateful for me and they will know how much I've done for them... I'm still waiting
Anonymous said…
I am so sorry that you're having to deal with so much all at once. Big hugs, Mary.
Beth said…
Tough situation on a tough day. My thoughts are with you.
Neil said…
I'm new here. I'm sorry for all the stress you must be dealing with.
Mary, I'm sure your daughter realizes that you are a good mother! This is a stressful time for all of you and she just really pushed the envelope. Teenagers tend to act out more under stress.
Don't question your ability to be a good Mother. You KNOW you are and your children know it too. Just try to get through these next few tough weeks, then things will settle back down~ I promise!
Anonymous said…
Yes, and if she doesn't read it here, print it out and leave it for her...
raino said…
i'm sorry mary. that's horrible. i feel for you. i really do.
Lana said…
I'm sorry this is all happening. {{{HUGS}}}
Tina said…
you must be so stressed at the moment. im sure your daughter doesent mean her words, but she should respect you more for sure like you said - buying her other things. but kids dont seem to remember that and see it as being expected i guess.

keep well x
Eudae-Mamia said…
Mary - I'm so sorry I've missed all this while being gone for Spring Break.

Your daughter - well, I have no words of advice. Know that you are a good mother. Pray that one day she will have a child of her own. I believe that that is what it takes to fully appreciate, or realize, what your parents did/didn't do for you.

Hormones and teenage girls can be a bitch. I'm with Grace - leave copies of this all over the house.
Jenni Jiggety said…
I am so sorry for your loss, Mary. And I am sorry your daughter is being so hard on you. I am sure she doesn't mean what she says...but OUCH.
Soxy Deb said…
Again, I'm sorry about your loss.
It's awful timing that Em would pick today to decide to pull out all the teenage crap. At that age they really don't realize what they say, and although your both probably hurting right now, I hope you can both come to terms (and peace) with the situation.
For the record, and not that it matter worth a flip, but... I don't think there was anything wrong with you asking for the "emergency money" back. It wasn't given to her for "fun money" so she shouldn't expect to be able to keep it.
{{HUGS}} to you Mary.
Someday she'll realize what a good mom you are.
Angela said…
Sorry about your day from hell. I have not had to bury a parent so I don't know what that is like ... but my heart goes out to you and your family. Hopefully things will work out with your daughter ... I'm sure they will. :)
I'm sorry about your mom.

Kids say hurtful things in the heat of the moment. But there's no excuse for lack of respect.
Anonymous said…
I had a Mother who was as good as she could be considering she was dealing with constant illness and pain; that makes you sort of nasty at times, no matter how "good" you'd want to be.

I've never visited your blog before so I've come at such a time, that, well, I don't really know what to say.

Your daughter can give you bogus rationalizations for anything she says to you, but it doesn't make it one bit right. I'm sorry. I'm sorry you lost your Mom and have this emotional load on, right now, as well. Very sorry. ~Mary
Trailboss said…
Well, speaking as a mother of a 17 yr old daughter, just because she is a teenager or however old she is (I have never read your blog before now) does not excuse her disrespect and horrible mouth. If my daughter were to even hint at this kind of crap the shit would hit the fan so quick she wouldn't know what happened. There is NO excuse for disrespecting a parent.....NONE. This truly upsets me.

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