The Mind Is A Very Strange Thing

I really don't have much to say today, except a huge thank you to all the generous and kind comments regarding my mother's recent passing. They really mean so very much to me. So, thank you.

I've spent the past few days in Toronto with my gorgeous baby nephew, and if that's not the best way to forget about one's troubles, I don't know what is.

Today's the visitation for my mother. The funeral and burial take place tomorrow morning.

My feelings are all over the place. One minute, I'm so very sad. The next, I'm almost fine.

I didn't know how I would react when the inevitable happened, and now it has, and I still seem very confused. I'm so sad, but it's not the same sadness I felt when my dad passed away three years ago. This time, it's a sadness for the loss of what might have been between my mother and I, the concrete disappearance, perhaps, of that one last chance that things might be good again between us. Although the chances of that happening were slim to none, there's always that hope.

I had recently thought about maybe taking the chance and talking to my mother again, seeing if there was some way to salvage a little something of what we had between us. What did we have, though? Not really anything, when I think about it. Not a mother/daughter love, not even a smidgen of it.

Somehow, though, there was this small, thin thread still connecting me to her. She never asked about me or the kids. Never. I don't know if she cared. And I know some people will say, "Of course she cared. She was your mother, she was their grandmother." But, you see, I honestly don't think she did. And I was okay with it. Because rationally, I knew that she was the one with the problem, not me. She would be the one who would have to deal with not knowing her grandchildren or having me around.

But I cared about her. I still cared. I would regularly ask my brother how she was doing, and I was getting very angry that the doctors could often not figure out what was wrong with her, and would send her back home. So, obviously, there was some care there on my part. After all, she was still my mother, just not in the regular sense of the word.

I am trying not to focus on the negative, because I feel this is not the time or the place. The problem is, however, that I have no positives to think about. Nothing. I remember nothing pleasant in all my years on earth with this woman, my mother. And for that, I feel awful, and guilty, and like somehow this too is my fault, although rationally, I know it isn't.

I know my older brother is going through the same kind of stuff. He's thinking about his relationship with our mother, and he too is trying to make sense of it all.

I think this might be more difficult to get over than I previously thought. I didn't think her death would be a terrible thing to overcome. However, the mind is a funny thing. When we least expect it, the thoughts and feelings start to come, overwhelming us when we least expect it, wrapping us up and forcing us to face them, whether we like it or not.

I'll just let it happen, because I have no other choice. I will let the thoughts and feelings come and take over like ocean waves, and then, maybe very slowly and gradually, I'll begin to make sense of it all. As much sense as anyone can make of it.


Beth said…
I am so sorry for your loss and as you so eloquently put it, for your loss of what might have been. You are a strong woman.
Fragrant Liar said…
I'm so sorry about how difficult this is for you, Mary. I don't really have the words to comfort you because, first, there probably are none, and second, I can only imagine how it would feel to have such a distant relationship with one's mother. But you are right about it not being your fault, and I hope that is at least some comfort that will feel less confused by as time goes on. The really great news is that you are a fabulous person in spite of your mom's failings (which she may or may not have been able to help, based on her own history). You're doing the best you can, and that is enough. You are a good and worthy person, just as you are.

Mary, I will be thinking about you today and tomorrow. I know this will be so difficult for you in so many ways.
Sandi said…
BIg hugs! I have been thinking about you.

I loved what you said about wanting to think about her, but there were no positives, so when the thoughts came they were negative. BUT at least they were there, the thoughts that is. That is powerful and heartbreaking. You have healing to do and grieving to do. Take care of yourself and let it happen as it will. I wish there was more I could do for you.

Sending you good wishes.
Anonymous said…
You're absolutely right that the emotions, thoughts, and feelings will come in waves and change as you move through this.

My thoughts and prayers are with you, Mary. Regardless of the fact that there was some distance between you, that unconditional love always remains. I wish you peace and comfort.

Shupe said…
I can't think of another way to say- my life sounds like it's the same path as yours. WOW! my mouth seriously dropped when I read your words. You know though- hearing you say what I feel daily- actually made me feel much better when the day will come for me- It is not easy to lose a mother- I'm sure. I've sort of lost one- long story- just say- I am adopted and new my birth mother quite closely..........
same gig- different person. I guess what they say is right- Life is really not all that different for all of us.
Your words did comfort me- and I thank you. I really do thank you! I also wish you peace during this time.
hugs from afar-
Shana said…
Knowing it was HER problem and not yours is the main thing.
Although I didn't have a great relationship with my mom, I still think about her every day.
I guess a person can only LEARN from the past, whether it was good or bad!
Thinking about you!!
Philly said…
For now just take one day at a time. That is all you can do.
Will be thinking of you.

Kathy said…
Shana is right... this was her problem. Something happened to your mother, in life or in the making of her soul. It might be an interesting story... it might not. That is HER story. It doesn't matter, because she hurt you and your brother & that sucks. That is YOUR story. But you show your incredible resilience, and that is something to be proud of. I hope you all find peace.
pam said…
What a powerful post!! I am still thinking of you.

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