Viral Annoyance

I'm afraid it's spreading.

All our neighbours are now assholes.

What the hell is happening? Did we move into the Asshole Neighbourhood without knowing it? Or did these neighbours all take some course in asshole excellence one weekend when we were gone? Because I'd just like to know.

Sunday morning, 7 a.m. The Nasties across the street from us, next door to
Vacuum Man (oh, you must remember him and his van vacuum, right?) decided that would be a great time to pull out the lawnmower and give the lawn a good cutting. Em calls these people The Richies, because they have an intercom at their front door and a giant silver and white seahorse in their garden. I had to explain to her that they are, in fact, not rich, and only have the intercom because they are extremely anti-social, think they're better than the rest of us, and refuse to meet anyone face-to-face. And the seahorse ... well, that's pretty much inexplicable. One of these days, when I've had an extra vodka and cranberry, I'm going to kidnap that damn seahorse because I get really sick of having it glare at me all summer long. Anyway, out they were, cutting their lawn, at 7 on a Sunday morning.

Then, on the other side of Vacuum Man, we have
the neighbour who plays with his tent trailer. Remember him? Well, this same Sunday morning, at 7:30 a.m., he was cutting branches and bushes on his property with a noisy saw. His tent trailer was apparently already up for the day.

What gives? What is happening to this society, where we have people -- actual neighbours -- who are supposed to respect one another, but go to such effort to annoy all the other neighbours? You know, the ones who have something else to do early on a Sunday morning besides make lots of noise. Something else = sleeping in.

I suppose it's time I make more of an effort, and become a more annoying neighbour myself. I'm not usually one to follow the crowd. Ever. I'm also usually overly sensitive to other people's needs. So, if there's ever even the tiniest chance that something may annoy another person, I don't do it.

All that's about the change, guys. The New Mary has arrived.

I think I'll begin by taking Gryphon for a walk. Just a short one, back and forth along these neighbours' lawns. And oops! Oh dear. Gryphon had to go for a poop, and looky see, I didn't bring my plastic bag with me. Oh well. Darn.

Then, I think I'll get up nice and early next weekend and decide to clean out both cars. I'll put on my favourite Air Supply CD, and because I still can't hear from my left ear, I'll have to put it on really loud. Oh, so sorry. Air Supply isn't on your list of favourites? That just sucks. Hugely.

Oh, and I was also thinking of taking a car mechanics class, so we can save some money, because you know how those mechanics can do whatever they want and you never really know what they're doing or not doing with your car, and then you end up paying huge amounts through the nose, and you don't even know if they actually fixed the problem in the first place. And so then, I could put our older car up on those metal stilts, and change the oil and stuff, but I'd have to do that on the street, because I wouldn't want oil spillage on our laneway.

I think the neighbours would love that.

And then, I think I'd really start getting invited to all the neighbourhood parties. For sure.


There is no escape from the dreadful neighbor.
If you can't beat them join them,
nothing is more annoying than noisy neighbours.

Ps. Is Mr. Handsome still keen on Susan Boyle? well she got into the final last night. thought I'd let you know incase he pops into his office as it's on You Tube.

Good luck

Anonymous said…
Hahaha! What the F?! Why don't they follow basic neighborly etiquette? I love your repercussion ideas!
Since your neighbors are obviously morning people, maybe you should make an effort to keep them awake at night! Couple of parties, loud music, car horns.....

Aren't annoyances like that just the suckiest? Why can't everybody just play nice in the sandbox?


Have a wonderful day~
Gaston Studio said…
LOL Mary! Are these neighbors trying to tell you something?
~*Jobthingy*~ said…
here in the city it seems to me noise bylaw on sunday says after 9am.. maybe later, you should look into it. it would be funny to also see a bylaw officer unplug vacuum guy
Lauren said…
Buy a foghorn and blow it like madness early in the morning. That'll teach 'em.
I say do all your dog walking, car cleaning really late at night. That is the time to peeve off your early rising neighbors! Aren't you a huge fan of listening to Rage Against the Machine at midnight at top volume? No? Maybe you should start!
We have a neighbor on one side who not only insults us every chance he gets, he also lets his tiny barking dog out every freaking day between 6:30 - 7:00 for a half hour. Even weekends. The dog barks non-stop, even worse, they let him out on the side yard which is right next to our bedroom window...get this...because they don't want to wake their teenage daughter up. Oh the hate.
Fragrant Liar said…
I don't think I've ever had such unpleasant neighbours (note I added a U in there, just for U). But I guess if I did have such unpleasant neighboUrs, I'd be thinking of retaliations too. Don't do anything that will get you sent to the pokey.
Debbie said…
I don't think people ever consider anyone else these days. One of my neighbors was mowing his lawn at midnight last week!

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