Viral Annoyance

I'm afraid it's spreading.

All our neighbours are now assholes.

What the hell is happening? Did we move into the Asshole Neighbourhood without knowing it? Or did these neighbours all take some course in asshole excellence one weekend when we were gone? Because I'd just like to know.

Sunday morning, 7 a.m. The Nasties across the street from us, next door to Vacuum Man (oh, you must remember him and his van vacuum, right?) decided that would be a great time to pull out the lawnmower and give the lawn a good cutting. Em calls these people The Richies, because they have an intercom at their front door and a giant silver and white seahorse in their garden. I had to explain to her that they are, in fact, not rich, and only have the intercom because they are extremely anti-social, think they're better than the rest of us, and refuse to meet anyone face-to-face. And the seahorse ... well, that's pretty much inexplicable. One of these days, when I've had an extra vodka and cranberry, I'm going to kidnap that damn seahorse because I get really sick of having it glare at me all summer long. Anyway, out they were, cutting their lawn, at 7 on a Sunday morning.

Then, on the other side of Vacuum Man, we have the neighbour who plays with his tent trailer. Remember him? Well, this same Sunday morning, at 7:30 a.m., he was cutting branches and bushes on his property with a noisy saw. His tent trailer was apparently already up for the day.

What gives? What is happening to this society, where we have people -- actual neighbours -- who are supposed to respect one another, but go to such effort to annoy all the other neighbours? You know, the ones who have something else to do early on a Sunday morning besides make lots of noise. Something else = sleeping in.

I suppose it's time I make more of an effort, and become a more annoying neighbour myself. I'm not usually one to follow the crowd. Ever. I'm also usually overly sensitive to other people's needs. So, if there's ever even the tiniest chance that something may annoy another person, I don't do it.

All that's about the change, guys. The New Mary has arrived.

I think I'll begin by taking Gryphon for a walk. Just a short one, back and forth along these neighbours' lawns. And oops! Oh dear. Gryphon had to go for a poop, and looky see, I didn't bring my plastic bag with me. Oh well. Darn.

Then, I think I'll get up nice and early next weekend and decide to clean out both cars. I'll put on my favourite Air Supply CD, and because I still can't hear from my left ear, I'll have to put it on really loud. Oh, so sorry. Air Supply isn't on your list of favourites? That just sucks. Hugely.

Oh, and I was also thinking of taking a car mechanics class, so we can save some money, because you know how those mechanics can do whatever they want and you never really know what they're doing or not doing with your car, and then you end up paying huge amounts through the nose, and you don't even know if they actually fixed the problem in the first place. And so then, I could put our older car up on those metal stilts, and change the oil and stuff, but I'd have to do that on the street, because I wouldn't want oil spillage on our laneway.

I think the neighbours would love that.

And then, I think I'd really start getting invited to all the neighbourhood parties. For sure.