How About Some Kielbasa Up The Poopshoot?

Well, guys, it's worse than I thought it could ever be. It's so bad, I had to pre-empt my previously scheduled post for today. Yeah, I know. Reeal baaad.

Yesterday, I went for my appointment with a new gastroenterologist to try and figure out what has been plaguing me all these years and making me lose all sorts of weight, and be a
Type 7 most of the time.

First things first. This doctor = awesome. I was worried he might be kind of weird, since who really decides to work on people's asses and intestinal inner workings? No one in their right mind, that's who. But this doctor, he was okay.

Really thorough, really smart, but I honestly think he's on Quaaludes or whatever those things are that make you hyper (are Quaaludes uppers or downers?). The guy reminded me of Speedy Gonzales, or the Roadrunner. Wiiiiiing!!! Swoooosh! One moment, he's here, the next, he's gone. I need whatever he has. And yesterday please and thanks.

I realize this guy is of African-American descent, but he's all I could find in such short notice. My doc is Asian-Canadian. Close enough, no?

He asked lots of questions, touched me all over, breathed down my neck, and then told me I have to have an endoscopy. Didn't I tell you? I knew it, didn't I. See Monday's post here for more on that schlep.

And, I have to have a colonoscopy.

Pardon? Whaazzat?

After I came to, I realized the doctor's words were echoing in my ears, like we were in a time travel tunnel, kind of like the Six Million Dollar Man when he brings out all his bionics, and there's that weird echo sound that reverberates through the television speakers. Cccccolonnnnossscccccopppppyyyyyy.

He quickly explained what he would be doing when he was inside my ass.

That's right. Just when you thought an endoscopy was enough, nay, the gods from above thought it would be right funny to also scope out my lower intestine.

The plan is that Dr. Quaalude is going to first do the endoscopy, zooming the camera tube down my maw and taking little pieces of tissue from here, there and everywhere. And then, when I think it's all done, he's going to turn me over and take another tube and go up my poopshoot, my bunghole, my schlemiel.

Guys, the bum hole wasn't made for such invasion.

And does this mean I need to shave? Because if it does, I am so screwed.

What am I going to do?

I asked if I could be drugged to the point of utter unconsciousness, and the doctor smiled and then said no. He explained that wasn't possible because they needed me partially awake, because otherwise I'd have to be intubated, which I don't see as such a bad thing, because as I see it, they're stuffing me full of tubes anyway, what's one more? But he didn't agree.

So, instead, they're going to give me a double dose of "sedation" as they put it, because I am having both procedures done consecutively. Apparently, this medication also helps you forget everything, so I'm hoping they're right, because if they're not, I might cry. In fact, I know I will. And I don't want something that will make me forget. I want something to totally confuse the hell out of me so that I don't even know my name before I go in for the procedure. I'm not too concerned about the after. Call me crazy.

I also asked if Mr. Handsome could come in with me, and they were pretty evasive about it, so I know what that means. It means no.

I'm going to keep working on that though, because I think if I have to go through this, Mr. Handsome should experience it with me. Kind of like the whole childbirth idea. Are you with me on this?

The day before the test will be most enjoyable too, folks. Because that day, I'm not allowed to eat anything. Not even a waffle. No milk in my tea or coffee. And I have to take a special little pill twice that day that is going to make me poop all day long, so I've been advised to stick close to a toilet, and bring a good magazine along.

And if you think that's fun ... I also have to supply three poop samples. Oh, I can hardly wait. May is a great and wonderful month.

Excuse me while I run to my cardiologist for a quick check-up. I seem to be having some arrhythmia.


dizzblnd said…
UGH! I feel for you sista! Since you will be partially awake, you can make sure they remember to change tubes between procedures.

Here's to hoping you remember nothing!
mo.stoneskin said…
Nothing at all? Make sure you read that carefully. My wife once was asked not to eat for 12 hours, but miss-read and thought she wasn't supposed to eat for 24 hours, so she fasted for the entire day before, then the day of the operation, and moaned the whole time about hunger only to find out that she could have pigged out teh day before!
Gaston Studio said…
OMG, I so feel for you for what you're about to go through, and hope it all turns out well.
ugh this so doesnt sound fun!!! and I so dont blame you for wanting mr handsome in there with you although if you are going to be left not remembering any of this....then hes going to be there to remind you!!!!! At any rate I do hope that all goes well for you and that they are gentle ((HUGZ))
ok I just had to come back and leave this comment when I left the last one my word verification was "arypoo" how ironic was that??? "POO" its as if they know...heheheh
oooohhhhh....are they gonna try to meet in the middle? Holy crap...oops, sorry!
Maybe you can convince Dr. Quaaludes to give you some of the good stuff to take before you go to the appt.
Funny potty picture....
OH NO YOU DID NOT POST A PIC OF YOURSELF ON THE POT!!!!!!! Hahahahahahahaha, girl! You are HILARIOUS!!!
Soxy Deb said…
The sedation will prettty well knock you out and you WILL forget everything. Unless of course you use drugs on a regular basis, then all bets are off because they wont be giving you enough to calm your nerves let alone knock you out.

If your not a druggie though, you should semi-sleep through most of it and not remember a thing when you wake up. I've been there and done that and it's not a day at the beach, but it's not as bad as root canal either.
Yes, to me root canal is worse then having a probe stuck up my wallawallabingbang.
Deep breaths...
Snaping Blabber said…
Just remember to actually take off your underpants before sitting on the toilet when the time comes, because I am sure it will make things way more unpleasant otherwise. If that is even possible.
Good luck.
~ Erica ~ said…
Wholly shit! Oh I mean that's still not it...OMG I so feel for you! Wow....
Kathy said…
Having lost two uncles, two great aunts, and numerous second cousins to colon cancer, I am the colonoscopy poster child.
The prep for the colonoscopy is the worst part. The actual procedure is not so bad... really. Even though I wasn't knocked out, I was groggy enough not to notice.
The prep has been banned by the Geneva convention, however. No food except jello (not red or orange) or boullion, then take two glasses of the NASTIEST stuff ever. And don't believe them if they tell you it tastes better in Sprite. Maybe the pills you are taking will be better. Let us know & I'll suggest them to my doctor next time.
Debbie said…
I will agree with you. That does not sound like fun.
Lauren said…
I don't know all your issues but did you ever consider it was celiac disease and cut all that out of your diet and see if you feel better?
Oh Boy....That does not sound like fun! Although my Dad just had a colonoscopy and was scared shitless literally and he said it turned out to not be bad at all. He said the worst part was all the pooping before hand. That is a funny picture of you on the pot, hopefully you don't always go to the bathroom with your underwear on LOL
Steve said…
Sounds like you're in for a fun time! I know, I've been there.
Its not really so bad, and I do hope they don't find anything to worry you. Good luck!
Is it wrong that I hope you DO remember so we can read about it in a blog post?
Nah, just teasing you. I would be apprehensive too. If I ever have to do that, I'm going to have my boyfriend write "EXIT ONLY" on me butt cheeks, and see what the Dr's reaction is. YOU should do that!!!
Anonymous said…
Holy Mackeral! LOL - you know, it takes a special kinda gal to put up a post like this - har har! Nothin' phony 'bout you, GF! :)

Oh, and qualudes are downers. Baby doc's probably on black beauties. Take it from an old Hippie (wink)

Hey can I put your blog on my Free Spirit blogroll? Drop by & lemme know, okay? My readers would dig your style. :)
pam said…
You won't remember anything. The worst part of the whole thing is the prep. I promise!! Oh, and after, the gas is unbelievable. Other than that you don't remember a thing.
Missy said…
If you can manage between poops, I have tagged you! Wow, what a pic!
Pamela Kramer said…
I'm so sorry you have to do this but your post cracked me up! The photos, oh my. To shave or not to shave that is the question. EEEK!
bluntdelivery said…
lol. oh man. my parents just had their first colonoscopies done and they said it actually wasn't that bad. after the shame and humiliation is over, they said they couldn't feel a thing or remember it.

i know this doesn't help. that really sucks.
Dorsey said…
Ugh! I know your pain! I had a colonoscopy the week before my hysterectomy. I can just remember the day before thinking..."WTH? Shit can BE that color?!?! That CAN'T be normal!!!"

Good luck!
Lisa said…
You poor thing. Ass play is really not my cup of tea so I feel for you. I hope they can figure out the problem and that it isn't something horrid.
Honey, I have had a colonoscopy and it really isn't that bad. The worst part is drinking the five gallons of stuff the day before that makes you shit acid water for 24 hours to clean out your system. After that it's a walk in the park. And you can watch if you want to, in case you ever wondered what the inside of your colon looks like. I did.
Megryansmom said…
Mary save your money, you don't need fancy Drs. I can clearly see your problem. You're pooping with your undies still on!
melissa said…
oh honey...hugs!!
Bee and Rose said…
OH.MY.HEAVENS! My sister just went through the very same thing a week ago! Sending you lots of good energy vibes and tons of hugs!!!!
Anonymous said…
Jeeze Louise! Why couldn't they do one on one day and the other on another day. Everybody I know who had a colonoscopy got put out cold. At least they have pills now instead of making you drink gallons of the yucky gucky gluey glop!
OMG!!! When I read the comment from Megryansmom just now I about peed my britches! I was trying to think of something clever to say about you being on the potty with your drawers on, but I couldn't think of anything that didn't sound like you might respond "hey why are you LOOKING at my drawers anyway?". Her comment was priceless! Damn, wish I'd thought of it!
Kelly said…
My mom had to get one too since her mom had had colon cancer. Since there is a history of it in my family I will probably have to get one when I get older. So looking forward to that.

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