When In Doubt, Get The Po Po Out

So, guys, I went to Dee's school's Volunteer Thank You Breakfast a couple of days ago. It's the school staff's way of saying "thank you" to the parents who volunteer their time to help things go more smoothly at the school, as well as to provide extra-curricular activities that would otherwise not be available to the students.

I don't do much, but for the past few years, a couple of times a week, I'd go into the school office first thing in the morning and do something called "safe arrival", where I take attendance for all the kids at school. If a child is absent, the parent is supposed to call the school and let them know, so that we don't start freaking out and call the police and get search parties out blahblahblah. Of course, more often than not, the parents don't bother calling, so it's my job to call them and shit on them make sure their precious little ones are safely ensconced at home.

I actually quite enjoy doing this, but it's come to an abrupt end now, what with my new job and all. Money comes before charity, is my motto. Seriously, though, I'd continue doing it if my schedule allowed. There's nothing like a tiny little child coming into the office, attendance book in hand, looking up at you with those huge bug eyes, to make you swoon.

As I was saying, I was invited to this volunteer breakfast thing. Other years, I didn't go because I'm kind of shy about these things and also because I don't like fraternizing with anyone, really. I don't really like people. What with their opinions and all ...

This year, however, I decided what the hell, I'll go see what this shindig is all about.

Well, let me tell you, when I walked into the library, the air in my lungs was sucked right out because of the vast number of people in the room. You could feel the cloud of moist armpit air above your head, and the heaviness of everyone's morning breath hanging right there in front of your nose. Oh, it was wonderful.

I ran straight to the coffee pots and pretended to calmly pour myself a cuppa, all the while scanning the room, looking for a familiar face. Anyone would do.

Anyone, that is, except Ass' mother.

You remember Ass, don't you, guys? He's the bastard child who thought he could bully my little angel Dee. He's the prick boy who thought it would be oh so funny to kick my guy in the back and in the stomach, and call him all sorts of names. He's the fuckface student we ended up calling the po po on. Remember now?

As luck would have it (does luck ever have it any other way with me?), the only other person I knew in the entire room was standing right next to Ass' mother.

So, what did I do, you ask? I did what any person would do. I ran the other way.

No, I didn't. I wanted to, but I didn't. I actually decided to have a little fun with this scenario put before me. Life's too short not to have a little fun with other people's brains when you have the upper hand, folks.

I actually walked right around Ass' mother, and tapped my friend on the shoulder, and then hugged her and didn't let go for a really inappropriate amount of time.

Then, I barged into the conversation, and totally ignored Ass' mother, as I thought I should. Wouldn't you, if you had actually called the po po on her and her little ass of a son? She actually began talking to us, and looked right at me! I could not believe the nerve. I wanted to punch her in the throat, that's what I wanted to do. But the principal was right there, and I thought that might not be such a good move, what with having finally convinced her that Dee was not the instigator in all the altercations and all. Would not be a good role model kind of thing, if you follow. And I'm all about being a good role model, which you already knew, but I'm just reiterating just in case.

I also thought about tripping her, maybe ripping her pretty little work outfit, or messing up her pretty little hairdo. But I did none of those, guys. Be proud of your Mackerel. Be very proud.

What ended up happening, you ask? Well, I didn't budge. I could feel the tension in the air, mixing with the armpit humidity and morning breath sludge, and I did not move. I was the better person in this little crowd, I was. Ass' mother kept talking, and looking at me, as if she was staring me down. Or else she was just very very stupid, because she obviously had no idea who she was dealing with.

Ass' mother finally made some sorry excuse about needing some more coffee, or having to go catch some teacher before the bell rang, blahblahblah, whatever. And then, out of the corner of my eye, because I'm sly like that, I saw her start coming back toward our group, and then she stopped. She stopped like a deer in the headlights, guys. And she looked right at me, her mouth twitched a little bit, and then she turned around and left. Yes, just like that.

{insert evil laugh here}

And then the skies opened, and I heard the angels sing, and all was good in the world.

The motto of this story: When you've fought every battle, thrown every dart, and the enemy keeps on coming, call the po po.

Just a little update: I tried my darndest to get to your blogs yesterday and leave a little love, but blogger didn't seem to be working so well. I couldn't even open my own site, and a few other people told me the same. Not only that, but my visitors went waaaay down yesterday. Am I the only one who was having this problem, or are you all trying to tell me something? Just a little humour there...

Also, I just wanted to apologize for not getting to people's sites this week like I try to do normally ... that is, when I'm not working for a living. I'm just learning to adapt to my new schedule, so please bear with me while I figure things out. Don't give up on me! Please?


Crazy Mo said…
I'm so proud of you! I don't back down either. That just stamps doormat on your forehead. Besides, I've discovered in my old age that adult bullies are the same as kid bullies. If you stand up to them, they actually turn tail and run. At which point you can shout at them "Don't let the door hit your ass on the way out!" Which usually results in rousing applause from onlookers. At least in my world it does.
Debbie said…
I can't believe she even had the nerve to go! Good for you for not backing down.
Nothing better than suhhhh-weeeeet karma, baby!
Goood for you for not backing down,
An excellent read.

Yikes! All that scene needed was some locusts. Hitchcock would be proud. Bullying is serious stuff. my son suffered in the bathroom at the start of this year and despite numerous visits with the principal, she did nothing. I grabbed one of his bullies at the gate to the school yard and let him know...not proud of that but it's kind of that mother bear thing. Ah well. Another day, another blog post. BTW, I didn't have any trouble with blogger yesterday although I only went on in the evening.
pam said…
Sounds like a fun way to spend a morning:)
dana said…
To this day, I ashamed of what I did, and here it is: This girl named Cindy, would make fun of my daughter's tummy. So my daughter felt like a walrus. (this was fifth grade stuff. The dangerous years) I was at school....I saw this girl surrounded by others.....they pulled me into their conversation.....Here I was, 27 and actually HATING that fifth grade bitch.......and just like in the movies, this little boy came up and said "SHE'S the one who said Joy has a big tummy and made her cry"........

I said "Oh, everyone has SOMETHING different about themselves......Cindy has a big nose"

I can't believe I did it.

Her mom called me that night and I said, in my sweetest voice, "well, with her nose, she shouldn't be pointing out my daughter's tummy"

I still flush when I remember what I DID !!!!
Kathy said…
Come by for award love at http://theamortizationofgoodwill.blogspot.com/ Please don't call the Po po because my sons get twitchy.
"Money comes before charity"

Beautiful. I couldn't have said it better myself. You are better than I because I would have been unable to hold a decent conversation, what with the DEVIL constantly whispering in my ear to go right ahead and punch that bastard's mom in the throat.
That is SUCH a Lilly thing to do! I never back down either! I LOVE running into my nemesis!

I've been trying to get to your blog, but it keeps crashing my computer! I can pick it up on my blackberry, but not the laptop!

I hope you've had a good 1st week at work. Have a wonderful weekend!
"that is, when I'm not working for a living. I'm just learning to adapt to my new schedule, so please bear with me while I figure things out. Don't give up on me! Please?"

I so understand, Mary. Great post, BTW. Enjoyed it. Hope the new job is going well.
Lauren said…
I had to give access to someone to fix the widget order on my blog and take down some as well just to get my blog to load and allow me and others to read it. Sorry i couldn't get to yours as well. I kind of wish you did punch this woman. HAHA!
The Queen said…
OMG you so sound like me.. this was great.. I'll be back to read more when I get a short break
Captain Dumbass said…
Would it be wrong to hire a bigger child to kick her child's ass?
Joanna Jenkins said…
Hi, I stopped by from SITS- LOVE your blog. We think a lot alike! I'll stop back again soon.
Yaya said…
I love your stories!

Lol at 'I don't like other people'. Have you read the book 'Life would be easy if it weren't for other people'? Good one!

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