How Does One Remove A Boyle?

My husband wants Susan Boyle, and in a bad way.

Everytime he goes upstairs to the office, after a few minutes' time, just long enough to allow the computer to boot up, I hear the faint strain of Susan trilling her little song on Simon Cowell's British cash grab show, Britain's Got Talent.

Out of utter curiosity, and because my background is investigative journalism at its finest, I asked him why in hell's name he does this.

His response: "She's hot."

Last night, he listened to her six times. SIX. TIMES.

He tells me she's inspirational.

I tell him, "I'll show you inspirational. Get over here, big boy."

But no, guys, he won't budge from the computer. He sits there, staring at her, like a dog at a bone. She's irresistible. I even found a pool of drool on the keyboard later that evening.

Then, Mr. Handsome was sitting beside me on the couch, and we were both watching something inane, as we always do after dinner, because that's our scheduled "cuddle time", although I know it's really more like "digest the crap that was our dinner time". Regardless, we were sitting there, and I asked once again what he got out of watching that video over and over and over again. And, after a longer-than-needed pause, he said, "I think I need to go upstairs."

Then, just the other night, he was in a deep sleep, and he rolled over and started stroking my face lovingly, as he never does, because I will unleash the Wrath of the Beauty Sleep Gods on him, and then he said, "Oh, Susan."

Yes, he really did.

Now, don't get me wrong. I think it's all great stuff, this Susan Boyle. Amazing, really. Kind of like a fairytale. The toad turns into a prince, except the prince is a woman with very bushy eyebrows.

But it still doesn't give Mr. Handsome any right or reason to ogle her, to watch her time and time again in the privacy of his office. It's sickening is what it is.

So, I've decided that, to win him back, I am going to have a Susan Boyle makeover, so that Mr. Handsome looks at no one but me. Because I will not be beaten down by anyone, nay, not even Queen Boyle.

I actually think I may be on to something, guys. You know how it works. Someone famous starts dressing differently, doing their hair a totally rad way, and there you have it -- the new fashion of the season. Remember Avril Lavigne and her t-shirt and tie ensemble? Or Madonna and her underwear over top her clothing idiocy?

Everyone wants to copy it, just so they can have a piece of the star, and feel like they're that much closer to him or her. So, I think I'm going to grab the proverbial bull by the horns, yessir, and I'm going to get me a makeover a la Boyle. I'll call it the Boylemaker, and it will be everything awesome and amazing, because suddenly, everyone will want to be like Susan, and Mr. Handsome will once again only have eyes for me.

Look at this! Everyone's doing it. Gwynneth, Paris, Jessica. They can't all be wrong, can they?

Not only that, but eventually, after this all subsides and every second woman on the street has the "Susan", she will fade into the woodwork like an old stain, and I will once again be queen of my household. I will be the New Susan.

Just the way it's supposed to be.

There is no one who will outdo me in my own domain. No one. Not even Susan Boyle.


Scope said…
Technically speaking, wouldn't it be a "Boyleover"?

I know you have to pick one, and "Boylemaker" is the better, but I just couldn't leave a bad pun hanging out there. That's just wasteful and like, un-green or something.
Oh dear, You do have a problem, but actually having seen the show I too thought Susan was outstandingly good. Hdeer voice is superb also her personality.

I think you have come up with a novel way of getting your husband's affections back, hope you succeed....... or why not yourself appear on a reality show.

Best of luck.

Gaston Studio said…
I have one word for you regarding this post:

When the video was first released, I must have watched it 20 times! Her talent just took my breath away! I wouldn't want to look like her THANKS! I'm very happy with the way I look.

There's another contender that might give her a run....I think he is a pizza delivery guy???

Make it a Great Day~
hahahaha....your word verification says SEDORKER! 'nuff said.
For his sake I hope she will make a porno.
darsden said…
Hilarious Mary...damn I have been thinking the same thing..I am tired of hearing about the ugly duckling..YEA it's a great story but quit bashing and smashing her all over us already..

Funny styles!! She could take some pointers from you in those pictures LOL Have a great day.
This story is hilarious! My MIL loves her too!

Unfortunately I come from native American or pacific islander stock which is not conducive to developing bushy eyebrows.
Em said…
It it means I can quit plucking my eyelashes, I'm so there with you!!
Anonymous said…
I think you're on to something here. Could be the first ever establishment of "Boyle's Law!"
Comedy Goddess said…
A. This is hilarious, great writing!
B. I have heard that same clip over and over, my Mother loves her!
C. I think Susan looks like what Simon would look like in old lady drag.
sherry lee said… are SO funny...I burst out laughing and I'm still laughing!! How do you remove a Boyle? The Boylemaker? And those photos!!! You have one fantastic sense of wit and humour Mary and I love it!!!

I look forward to your "before" and "after" photos!!!

I'd like to request she get a brow makeover.
Jenni Jiggety said…
Yeah...but can she BLOG?

I don't THINK so.

♥Trina♥ said…
You crack me up!

Please DON'T do the Boylemaker! First of all, you're much too pretty as you are and Mr. Handsome will soon get over his infatuation. Second, I have never been a fan of those people who rush out and copy the latest look. My style might not be the "in" thing, but at least I look like ME and not a copy of the latest hot chick. :)
Elaine said…
OMG very funny! And thanks for stopping my lipstickdaily. Love your blog!
Deb said…
i think i already have a boylemaker. i look surprisingly like her, yet without the beautiful voice.

aren't her 15 minutes up YET?
Amy said…
Wow. She looks worse with the better hair plopped on.

She's a darling story and a wonderful singer, but if my hubby was liking her there'd be big trouble. i don't know whether for me or him or both, but big trouble!
Vic said…
"Oh Susan!" So funny! And disturbing! Funny and disturbing....
So funny. It must be her 'girl next door' qualities that do it! Or just her Britishness
Lauren said…
Sounds like a dream for you. You can get fat, go gray and just live life and he'll love you. :)
Anonymous said…
Hilarious, seriously hilarious. Thanks for the great laugh this morning. I come here by way of EVERYDAY POSSIBILITIES and I am glad I did.
Rachel said…
That is tooooo funny. I love it! It is crazy how "attractive" she is. . .I don't get it.
Anonymous said…
My first visit and it's a hilarious time!

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