This Is How To Get Invited To All The Neighbourhood Parties

Warning: This post is not for the weak, or for those who are easily bothered by sexual innuendoes. Also, this post is not for you to read, Em. Go wash the dishes or something.

Guys, remember our neighbour across the street who likes to clean out his garage every weekend? Remember him? Remember how I thought he was kind of crazy and strange because that's what he'd do, starting every Friday, and repeating it Saturday and Sunday, as soon as the weather warmed up?

Well, now he's pissed me off. He's no longer just weird and irritating. Now, he's bothersome, in a bad, bad way.

Because, now, he vacuums his van at 7 a.m. on a Saturday.

And if there's one thing that really pisses me off (and, in case you're thinking there's only one thing that pisses me off, there's definitely more than one, but I'm only focusing on this today because it's enough stress already, people) it's making unnecessary noise early in the morning on a weekend, when most people in this lovely world of ours are trying to sleep in just a tad.

I had my window open Friday night, because I like the night breeze once the weather warms up, and because it's my god-given right to have my window open without worry of audio assault from some hee-haw across the road who thinks he lives on a freaking acreage.

Obviously, Mr. I-Have-No-Life-And-Therefore-I-Make-Everyone-Around-Me-Miserable also has no brain. But, really, when you think about it for more than a nano-second, there is no way in heaven or hell that he does not know that the noise he creates vacuuming his damn vehicle wakes everyone up. So, I have logically deduced he just must not give a rat's ass.

Oh, and it's not enough that he does this, and will be doing this all summer long. Nay, he also has the gall to have an inground swimming pool installed the summer before last, and has not once invited us over for a swim. No, he just taunts us by having his children scream with utter delight and make extra loud splashing noises. And I'm sure he sits back there, laughing heartily to himself, knowing how this makes us feel.

As I think about all this, I have a sick feeling growing in the pit of my stomach, guys. Because all this vacuuming Mr. I-Have-No-Life does might not be for the sole benefit of van cleanliness, if you know what I'm saying. I'm suddenly thinking that perhaps this guy has a bit of a problem (well, of course he does, if he's cleaning his freaking van at 7 a.m. on a Saturday), and in a -- ahem -- sexual foible kind of way.

You see, guys, my mind goes to the story a while back about the Michigan man who was caught doing the dirty deed to a vacuum at the carwash. Have you heard about this? Someone caught him having a little playdate with the vacuum hose, and he was arrested. And now I'm thinking that maybe Mr. I-Have-No-Life really doesn't have a life outside of his van and his garage, and maybe he is in fact so deranged that he's mistaken the vacuum for his wife. God help us all.

So, anyway, getting back to me. I have a plan. A Plan For Revenge, people. Because this noisy vacuum-sucking noise he's making as the sun rises is not happening again. And I don't care whether he's actually vacuuming, or doing the willy dance. It must end.

It begins with a note, an anonymous note which I will mail so that there's no chance he sees me putting it in his mailbox, because I'm insecure and prissy that way. I won't be nasty, but I certainly will be to-the-point, because I think that's what Mr. I-Have-No-Life needs. It's past the time of niceties, folks.

Then, if that doesn't work, which I should know pretty quickly, I'll resort to flinging some of my dog's poops onto the roof of his van, again surreptitiously. Or, better yet, I'll get the kids to do it, because that's why we have children, isn't it?

And if that doesn't do the trick, I will have to resort to crime. I will steal that damn vacuum from his garage, because I know the code to open his garage door. Don't ask me how I know. I'll just say little boys have big mouths, and I have amazing interviewing skills.
And I will take said vacuum, being careful to stay away from the end of the hose because we all know what he's probably been doing with it, and I will get it professionally disinfected, and use it for our own car. Because we need a car vacuum, folks. And I don't want to wait any longer for a sale at Canadian Tire.
So, you see, stealing the vacuum would actually be sort of a community service, and therefore, not really a crime. In fact, people should, and will, thank me for doing it. And then we'll probably be invited to all the neighbourhood parties that happen all summer long, and that we never get invited to. In fact, maybe people will hold parties in my honour! Oh my god, guys, I can't believe this! What a great idea! Do you see how this tiny little problem is morphing into something really really big?
Oh, I can hardly wait! Maybe I should just skip the letter and dog poop flinging, and just steal the damn thing.


Anonymous said…
You are hilarious!!!

7am? What's wrong with him? Doesn't he know the standard 10am rule?
darsden said…
don't go near his mailbox..he probably has a camera at it.. wrap up a rock with a note and throw it at the front door...or use a dead rodent and say something like the last person who woke the neighborhood up...well this was his pet! or just go cut the hose or cord to the vaccuum. Nothing pisses me off more than somebody inconsiderate to others esp. on the weekends. Just cuz they don't have a life...don't make everybody pay.. But, I agree you do NEED to do something before summer really gets kicked in! Have a block party and don't envite them :-) hope you have a more peaceful sunday morning
Soxy Deb said…
I see a spot on Oprah in your future.

I shudder to tell you all that I was out trimming the hedges (not a pun for anything) this morning with the electric hedge trimmers. But it was 9 at least. Everyone should be up by then. Right?
Nooter said…
vacuum cleaner sex and flinging dog poop...

you humans certainly find interesting ways to amuse yourselves
Shana said…
I'm with you!! 7 freakin' AM???
Suburbia Steph said…

Neighbors suck!

Especially mine.
bluntdelivery said…
mmm hmmm. vaccuums, morning people, and yappy dogs. they will be the end of me.

love the blog. thanks for stopping by!
Me-Me King said…
Fortunately, I do not have any neighbors; but, if I did, I would certainly contact you if any of them got out of hand.

This post is hilarious, you made my day.
Lauren said…
Mary! Just go over and say you're keeping me up, please do this later in the day. Then if he is still an asswad you are within arms reach, ya know? Just sayin'.
Anonymous said…
7 a.m.? Even the dog in our neighborhood that barks all the time doesn't start barking until 8. That guy does have problems. You? Yeah, you've got problems too, I'm learning as I continue to read your blog. :)
bernthis said…
I would lose my mind. I am soooo not a morning person. I never heard about the guy at the car wash and wow, now I will die a happy woman ;) that is some visual, let me tell you
Don said…
Geez, what an asshole. Having said that if you and he ever get on speaking terms, ask him if the vacuum suction on the penis really works. Okay? Ahem, just curious you know.
I know! Send you torn up pillow over there and tell him that the poodle gets really ill when he doesn't get his beauty rest and you sure hope he doesn't accidently get out the front door the next time the yahoo is cleaning his car at 7am!
Oh can come swimming with us ANYTIME! We sleep late though, so don't come before 10!
PS...I also never heard of the car wash man..... I'm going to HAVE to start watching more news!
That's it. Really.Have a great Sunday!
Gaston Studio said…
LOL, I really think Darsden has it all wrapped up. Take her advice, it's free and well thought out; or perhaps she has actually done this, she speaks with such authority! ;-)
darsden said…
GatsonStudio-it wasn't me..I'm just a stalker remember...LOL
Elisa said…
ewww - how do they think of this stuff? (the car wash man, that is)

You know what esle you could do? start inviting his wife for tea and add an aphrodisiac to her cup. Hoepfulyy she'll be able to keep him busy so you can catch your well-deserved zzzz :-)
Blicky Kitty said…
So I'm supposed to be vacuuming my car? I thought you're just supposed to round up all the stray French fries and chicken nuggets out of the children's car seats and throw them out when you get coffee at the drive through.

If you go for a long time between scanning the backseat for perishables you can sometimes find a fine fromage in the sippy cups.
"Maybe I should just skip the letter and dog poop flinging, and just steal the damn thing"

Oh, no. Don't do it that way. This will be too much fun and much fodder for your readers. Go for making his him pay for his early morning noise. Start with the dog poop.
Great post.
Michel said…
So let me see if I have this straight?

You are awoken at 0700 and then go from accusations of vacuum abuse to the federal crime of tampering/threatening via the mail, to turning to a life of crime, fllinging poo, and finally managing to neatly wrap all of it up into a community service??

You, my dear, are destined for greatness.
Megryansmom said…
Twit must be related to my neighbor who chose to mow the lawn at 2 pm yesterday while I tried to nap. If you resort to dog poop, burn it in a brown paper bag hahaha
Da Old Man said…
I'd go right to the poop flinging. He doesn't deserve a chance to clean up his act.
Kathy said…
I really don't know what to say, but I think I'll go clean my vacuum. It's in my son's room...
dizzblnd said…
he is certifiably crazy.. but he has NO idea who he has messed with.. I feel for him once he feels your wrath
You are funny big time. Call the police too. Isn't there an ordinance about noise? Over here there is and I know it because we had some remodeling done and the contractor told us the difference of when he could start on weekend versus weekdays.

That picture? Too funny.
thank you....that's very sweet!
Have a wonderful Sunday~
Out-Numbered said…
Hysterical and Super Creepy. Reminds me of the crazy neighbor from American Beauty that kills spacey at the end. Be careful.
otin said…
I hate neighbors, I'd love to live 10 miles from my closest neighbor!
Anonymous said…
HaHaHa. Honestly, I don't want to be invited to neighborhood parties.

The neighbor behind me used to have a rooster. THAT was an early wake up call for sure. I sort of liked the rooster, better than the family. ~Mary

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