The Scoop on Poop

I have to share this with all of you. This was sent to me by my very very good friend Bertrand, who emails me all things funny, sexist, politically incorrect and just outright rude. But always very funny. And I love it all. Especially this. Very important, too, I might add, since we all do it. Don't deny it. You know you do. Just nod and move on. It's good for your soul. I don't know who originally wrote this, but it touches my heart deeply. Read on.

By the way, the following is rather long-winded (pardon the pun), so get yourself a coffee before settling in...

We've all been there, but don't like to admit it... We're all kicked back in our cubicles and suddenly felt something brewing down below. As much as we try to convince ourselves otherwise, the Work Poop is inevitable. For those who hate pooping at work, following is the Survival Guide for taking a dump at work.

Crop Dusting

When farting, you walk really fast around the office so the smell is not in your area and everyone else gets a whiff, but don't know where it came from. Be careful when you do this. Do not stop until the full fart has been expelled. Walk an extra 30 feet to make sure the smell has left your pants.

Fly By

The act of scouting out a bathroom before pooping. Walk in and check for other poopers. If there are others in the bathroom, leave and come back again. Be careful not to become a Frequent Flyer. People may become suspicious if they catch you constantly going into the bathroom.

Escapee

A fart that slips out whileyou are taking a pee or forcing a poop in a stall. This is usually accompanied by a sudden wave of embarrassment. If you release an escapee, do not acknowledge it. Pretend it did not happen. If you are a man and are standing next to the farter in the urinal, pretend you did not hear it. No one likes an escapee. It is uncomfortable for all involved. Making a joke or laughing makes both parties feel uneasy.

Jailbreak

When forcing a poop, several farts slip out at a machine gun pace. This is usually a side effect of diarrhea or a hangover. If this should happen, do not panic. Remain in the stall until everyone has left the bathroom to spare everyone the awkwardness of what just occurred.

Courtesy Flush

The act of flushing the toilet the instant the poop hits the water. This reduces the amount of air time the poop has to stink up the bathroom. This can help you avoid being caught doing the Walk of Shame.

Walk of Shame

Walking from the stall, to the sink, to the door after you have just stunk up the bathroom. This can be a very uncomfortable moment if someone walks in and busts you. As with farts, it is best to pretend that the smell does not exist. Can be avoided with the use of the Courtesy Flush (see above).

Out of the Closet Pooper

A colleague who poops at work and is doggone proud of it. You will often see an Out Of The Closet Pooper enter the bathroom with a newspaper or magazine under their arm. Always look around the office for the Out Of The Closet Pooper before entering the bathroom.

Safe Havens

A seldom used bathroom somewhere in the building where you can least expect visitors. Try floors that are predominantly of the opposite sex. This will reduce the odds of a pooper of your sex entering the bathroom.

Turd Burglar

Someone who does not realize that you are in the stall and tries to force the door open. This is one of the most shocking and vulnerable moments that can occur when taking a poop at work. If this occurs, remain in the stall until the Turd Burglar leaves. This way you will avoid all uncomfortable eye contact.

Camo Cough

A phony cough that alerts all new entrants into the bathroom that you are in a stall. This can be used to cover-up a Watermelon, or to alert potential Turd Burglar. Very effective when used in conjunction with a Shirley Temple.

Shirley Temple

A subtle toe-tapping that is used to alert potential Turd Burglars that you are occupying a stall. This will remove all doubt that the stall is occupied. If you hear a Shirley Temple, leave the bathroom immediately so the pooper can poop in peace.

Watermelon

A poop that creates a loud splash when hitting the toilet water. This is also an embarrassing incident. If you feel a Watermelon coming on, create a diversion. See Camo Cough.

SOME VARIETIES OF POOP YOU SHOULD BE AWARE OF:

The King

This kind is the kind of poop that killed Elvis. It doesn't come until you're all sweaty, trembling and purple from straining so hard.

Bali Belly Poop

You poop so much you lose 5 lbs.

Cement Block

You wish you'd gotten a spinal block before you poop.

The Cork

Even after the third flush, it's still floating in there. How do I get rid of it? This poop usually happens at someone else's house.

The Bungee

The kind of poop that just hangs off your rear before it falls into the water.

The Crippler

The kind of poop where you have to sit on the toilet so long your legs go numb from the waist down.

The Chitty Chitty Bang Bang

The kind of poop that hits you when you're trapped in your car in a traffic jam.

The Party Pooper

The giant poop you take at a party. And > when you flush the toilet, you watch in horror as the water starts to rise...

Yes, I am very mature. And you're welcome. Have a good day.