Perimenopause -- aka I Want A Penis


(Warning: If you are not able and willing to read about bodily fluids, and other such nonsense, stop here. That means most men. Don't say I didn't warn you. Mind you, there isn't MUCH mention of bodily fluids, but probably enough to make you squirm and twitch.)

Definition: The period around the onset of menopause that is often marked by various physical signs, such as hot flashes and menstrual irregularity.

What they forget to mention:

  • the sudden and sometimes constant urge to spew vulgar animal sounds at everyone around you
  • the inexplicable tearing of the hair, your own or anyone's who is within a 200-mile radius of you
  • the wonderful unexpected gush of menstrual fluid, when you were sure your period was over and done with
  • moments of overwhelming emotion, whereby a commercial of a motorcycle-riding grandma wearing diapers makes you sob for 2 hours and very angry, simultaneously
  • the many points in time when indecision takes over for even the most minute issues, such as whether to put on a new pair of underwear or continue wearing the same ones for the 8th day in a row
  • the gnawing pain in the lower gut region that reminds you you are a woman, and you have a uterus that is nearing the end of its usefulness, but is not giving up without a damn good fight, involving unexpected bouts of nausea, cramping, and menstruation reminiscent of adolescence
  • breast tenderness
  • screams emanating from the lower throat because someone (read: Mr. Handsome) decides to give your extremely tender breasts a wee tweak
  • stripping of all clothing while Mr. Handsome, who is always hot (yes, in all definitions of the word, now go away) shivers and puts on yet another layer of fleece
  • having to once again explain to Mr. Handsome that the stripping of my clothing is not a premonition of things to come, but simply a panicked attempt at trying to lower my temperature as a result of damning and unexpected hot flashes that come over me like a flash flood -- literally
  • inability to sleep at night, and overwhelming fatigue during the day
  • extreme irritability because of said insomnia and fatigue occurring simultaneously
  • the expenditure of all available financial resources in an effort to stop the obvious and ever-increasing appearance of sagging skin, wrinkles, and thickening waist, drooping breasts, and flabby upper arms

I'm exhausted. And annoyed. And wishing I was a man. With a penis.


Bon Don said…
LMAO! Poor Mr. Handsome.

Is it possible to be premenopause at the age of 31? It sounds familar!

*Bon Don*
Soxy Deb said…
I would like to borrow this list for my fridge. I have hit this stage - just the outer fringe so far. I can't sleep, can't remember shit, pick a fight at the drop of a dime, get hot for no reason whatsoever (just ask the asshat I'm married to) while asshat is in sweatshirt, tshirt and sweatpants.
This sucks.
Megryansmom said…
Welcome to my life, when does this shit end, cuz I swear they told me TEN years ago it was perimenopause!!!!
I'm with Bon Don, most of this list sounds familiar to me too.
Mary Moore said…
OMIGAWD, I hope it doesn't last 10 years with me...I won't last past April at this rate!
♥georgie♥ said…
this i what i have to look forward too??? it's official i am NOT growing up
Jane! said…
Did I write this?
No, couldn't have been me because I would have mentioned the sudden outta-nowhere have-to-pee business. AND the husbands tendency to blame everything that irritates me on MENOPAUSE even when I tell him that that assumption could one day cost him his life.
Shana said…
Oh dear. I am not quite there yet. Something to look forward to. Oh yay.
Lynette said…
UM, sorry, I think!! No, of course I'm sorry - LOL!! I haven't started feeling those things yet - not sure I want to - but you have ALL my sympathy - none for Mr. H!!
Bon Don said…
Ok so now I gave YOU an award over on my blog, go check it out! :)

*Bon Don*
Shupe said…
I sort of have those going on now- but it's my own doing- called an IUD!

Thank god I don't have to spend the $8 for a box of tampons though.

Awe- wouldn't it be nice if they made a COOLING pad- kinda like a heating pad?
Ice packs suck!
Anonymous said…
You make it sound so damn good! I can't wait!
OH no!!! I'm too young to be going through this, but I fit many of your descriptions....

Good luck getting through it all! I'll continue being in denial a few more years before I repost as original material. ;-)
Trina said…
Yep...I know what ya mean! I especially laughed at the tweaking of tender breasts. Oh my goodness! If they ONLY knew...

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