Saturday, April 18, 2009

Soft And Furry Nub


I fondled my dog yesterday.

And I liked it.

Until I realized what exactly I was doing. And then I was all, "ACK!! OH MY GOD!! What am I doing?!" Because, really, who does that, even willingly?

You see, I was sitting on our couch, beside Mr. Handsome, enjoying a so-so cup of coffee and Mr. Handsome's company while we discussed the probability of Dee having to go in for yet another surgical procedure in the fall. We had just come back home from his follow-up appointment with the surgeon, and it looks like he may have to go under the knife again. More on that another time. I'm just happy because it doesn't seem to be tumour-related, and that's all I care about.

Anyway, the coffee was not strong enough, and we had run out of milk, so I was not happy. And, while Mr. Handsome and I were talking, I was absentmindedly fiddling with what I thought was a very warm and fuzzy flap of doggy skin on Gryphon's abdomen. Gryphon had sidled up to me and was leaning across my lap, his head upside down, and now we know why he was smiling.




The more I think about it, the sicker I feel in the very pit of my stomach.

It brings back memories of my shock when I heard the rumour that Barry Manilow was "doing it" with his two dogs (I think they were Afghan hounds, of all things). First of all, I couldn't understand why he would want to, and second of all, how.

Speaking of Barry Manilow, is it just me, or do you all notice how he's become almost waxlike in appearance, and skinnier than any man should be? He was never my idea of a handsome man, but I admit I liked his music, and would often find myself singing "Copacabana" in the shower. Admit it, you've done it too.

However, the last few times I've seen Barry on television, he scares me, almost as much as Michael Jackson scares me. And that's a lot.

This is what Manilow used to look like compared to what he looks like now:



Notice a difference? Just a tad, no? I'm thinking the guy's face has been cryogenically sealed, buffed and shined, and is now not even genetically his. Maybe it's just a masklike contraption strapped onto his old mug with some duct tape and rope, ingeniously hidden, because I know when he sings, the only thing moving is his mouth. It's spooky, almost nightmarish to watch. Nothing else moves. Not even his huge cheekbones, which could feed a small African country.

Hey! Wait a minute! Is it just me, or has there been an amazing transformation, and Barry Manilow now greatly resembles this?


I'm pretty sure I'm not imagining things here, Internet. He would just need to grow out the hair a bit.

I'm sure Gryphon sees me in a different light now. He's been sticking very close by since "the incident", as it will be called from here on out, most probably hoping for another little innocent feel. He keeps looking up at me with very loving eyes, longingly.
I have to admit I like the attention. Call me strange. It wouldn't be the first time.
He may want to start dating, which might be fine in and of itself, except when things get a little more intimate (although, how much more intimate can you be when you're already fondling a dog's penis?). I don't think we have enough in common for it to work long-term, though. And, not only that, but I stop at French kissing, because I know what goes into that dog's mouth, and it ain't pretty, folks.

16 comments:

Ribbon said...

Hellooo....

I'm just out and about blog hopping and I landed here.

Sorry but Barry's just not a good enough diversion from the fact that you were FONDLING YOUR DOG!!
Haven't heard any rumours about Barry and his dogs. I thought Barry was dead... certainly looks it in your photos.

Thanks for the laugh...
much appreciated
best wishes Ribbon

dizzblnd said...

I have done that.. his leg gong like I found the ticklish spot.. man how weird is that!

I agree with you on Barry he has become quite creepy

roy/elisabeth dean said...

hahahaha.....I LOVE that pic of Gryphon with his tongue out. You should photoshop his laser eyes into heart shapes, print it and put it on your fridge, just to remember the moment!

I hope everything is ok with Dee.

Have a wonderful weekend~
♥,Lilly

mo.stoneskin said...

Hilarious, Gryphon emailed me to say what a lovely day he had and now I know why!

Marvin D. Wilson said...

LOL - well at least your honest!

Teena in Toronto said...

You were feeling up your dog? Ha!

Barry definitely has had some work done. And I will admit to having some Barry on my ipod.

Michel said...

Well shit. Now I'm afraid I'm going to look like Poodies!

And PS, I'm turning your into the ASPCA if you start dating your dog! that's disgusting! No means NO!

and PPS: I used to LOVE Barry Manilow and had never heard that. Now I'm not sure what to do!

~*Jobthingy*~ said...

oh yeah.. barry manilow is freaking creepy now. he really does frighten me.

*shudders*

adn um.. you, gryphon and the adventures with the pink crayon eh? *snorts*

melissa said...

some people just say *snort* because they aren't sure exactly what to say. but seriously...YOU ARE SO FRICKING FUNNY!!
or...
was this post not funny and i completely missed the point between you fondling your dogs package and barry manilows scary, child molester type looks.
*SNORT*!!!!

Rachel said...

Okay, I'm gagging. About the dog penis. And a little about Barry. Not sure if that's the reaction you were going for.

Deb said...

Barry Manilow is really Liza Minelli. Wait. No. He's David Guest. No, no no. David Guest is Liza...maybe. Hell, I think they are all the same person. Uh oh. I just remembered. Michael Jackson is good friends with Liza. Michael could be Liza but I don't think he's Manilow. That's enough creepiness for me that I can't even comment on the dog thing.

Jennifer said...

Ewwwww. Funny, but ewwwww.

Reggie Girl said...

Ahhhh Mary......the freak in you has come out dear girl, lol!!
Is that dog fondling against the law.......is he a minor?????
Barry Manilow........I once broke up with a guy because he sang "Oh Mandy" in my ear at the movies one time over and over and over.....
I got your "Weekend in New England" right here buddy now get lost :)
You are always a great read and a sure smile......

Steady On
Reggie Girl

Deb said...

what was in his mouth is the same thing you were touching, so you might as well go ahead and kiss him.

i am sorry, but that was the most hilarious story.

and sadly, i have to agree with you about barry. i was totally into his music as a kid.

pam said...

I just never know what is going to happen next on your blog. Glad you and your dog are so close:)

Quirkyloon said...

Oh Mary, Mary, Mary!

That's all I can say GF! Ha!

AND...Barry Manilow is starting to look like Bruce Jenner or Kenny Rogers or Joan Rivers.

Too many facelifts!

AND...at first glance I saw a commercial with Brooke Shields in it...and my first impression was that she too was getting the stretched out waxy look!

It could be the beginning for her!

Ha!


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