Tuesday, April 21, 2009

Slut Needs An Intervention, And Now



Slut's given up on her flaky eyebrows, everyone. She's decided to live and let live, and has realized that she is probably the only one in the world with Flaky Eyebrow Syndrome, and isn't she one lucky bastard?

I'm always one to think outside the box. So, I'm thinking maybe Slut will go down in the annals of medicine for the only person with flaky brows, and she could become an eyebrow guinea pig, where she could donate brow parts to medical science, and the scientists could then dissect her brow parts and find out why they flake. Because this is serious stuff, people. Why the hell are we focusing on breast cancer?! It's time to get real, and start taking these orphan afflictions seriously. Are you with me?

Anyway, now Slut's focusing all her efforts on losing ass weight. Ten pounds of ass weight, to be exact. Although it might be more now. Or less. I can never keep up with Slut, because she's waaay ahead in this Game of Life.

I for one don't agree with her about needing to lose weight, but Slut never listens to me. Never. Just ask her. She probably doesn't even know who I am, for Christ's sake. She's just jealous, because her momma likes me more than her, if truth be told.

So, the other day, mostly so she could get a great deal at the drugstore, Slut went in for a little shopping spree. Besides the extra-large condoms, cartons of lube, some FDS vaginal refreshing spray in mint scent, and anti-dandruff medication, Slut picked up some Green Tea Fat Burner pills.



Because Slut, well, Slut is all about fat burning. She will do anything she can to burn the fat off her ass, because god forbid she actually have some meat on those skinny bones.

Slut has a gym membership. Finally. She hasn't gone in some time, though. She's been very very busy. Very busy. So, instead, she bought green tea fat burner pills, so that she could still burn ass fat even if she doesn't darken the gym's doorway.

Slut's industrious and sly if she's anything, flaky eyebrows or not.

Apparently, Slut believes if it's got green tea in it, it's got to be good for you. She also believes the advertising, that by simply swallowing a miserly pill, your ass fat will simply burn off. No effort needed.

She so believes this that, the other day, as she prepared for the annual Camp Quality fundraising bowlathon she and I run each year, she sat amidst piles of Rockets and other candy treats, knowing full well that popping a few bonbons now and then would do nothing to her svelte figure because, hey!, she swallowed a green tea "bonbon" just an hour earlier, and she could swear she could just feel the fat melting off her sweet little ass.



She spent over $150 on candies and treats at Costco for the bowlathon. Why so much, you ask? Well, I'm wondering the same thing, actually. She had the great idea of providing little loot bags for all the children attending, which I think is very thoughtful of her. Honestly. But, I'm now thinking that most of that "loot" is going straight into Slut's little mouth, and directly to her ass, because why else would she time the purchase of Green Tea Fat Burner pills in this way, at exactly the same time as the grand Costco purchase?

Exactly.My.Point.

Your wily ways have been exposed, Slut.

I'm now calling an intervention. A Rockets intervention. Who's in?



24 comments:

Chelle said...

I can see why everyone thinks she's so slutty. Rockets indeed.

mo.stoneskin said...

I've always believed that green tea makes anything healthy, that's why I put it in my burgers and creme eggs.

Scandalous Housewife said...

All sluts need an intervention, regardless. Believe me, I know. I'm not a slut, but I play one on the internet.

Debbie said...

You may be onto something with the candy and the green tea.
And I think I just heard that flaky eyebrows are now all the rage.

♥Trina♥ said...

Hmmm...maybe she is on to something. Let us know how the green tea/rockets combo works out. I bet green tea/dark chocolate would be a good combo too since dark chocolate has antioxidants.

Pamela Kramer said...

I'm seriously afraid to ask but who is Slut? That's bad right? ROFL!

Jane! said...

My question is where do the byproducts of burned ass end up? Does ass burning contribute to global warming?

Wouldn't it be cool if ass could be burned as an alternative fuel? I could totally green up the whole state of Alaska.

pam said...

I am sorry slut is giving up on the eyebrows. I really thought we were going to find a treatment.

Petra a.k.a The Wise (*Young*) Mommy said...

I would like to lose 10 pounds of ass fat as well, but I am afraid it wouldn't even make a dent. I'm serious people.

Laoch of Chicago said...

One used to love the smarties type candy.

Quirkyloon said...

First of all who is slut?

Second of all not all people who have flaky eyebrows are sluts.

I have flaky eyebrows!

heh heh

Missy said...

Interventions are so much fun! Especially Smartie Interventions! LOL

Midlife Jobhunter said...

Mary, You are too funny. And, we're supposed to do something with our eyebrows?

Yaya said...

Eek! Don't take those pills!

kel said...

No, slut! Never give up! I was just organizing a fundraiser for Flaky Eyebrows Awareness.

FrankandMary said...

Interventions. Hmmm. All the ones I know of didn't work until the person was so down & out, they really didn't have any other choice. Just reading SLUT that many times, gave me old Catholic school guilt, and I am an Atheist.
~Mary

Pseudonymous High School Teacher said...

I know I'm new but who is slut? ANd why are her eyebrows flakey?

I got so involved I almost forgot to tell you - I left you something over on my blog.

Husbands Anonymous said...

Confession:
I get flaky eyebrows, and there is no treatment. You can conceal it, but never get rid of it!

Beth said...

I am not one to cast stones. And those fat burners? Can't tell a damn difference.

melissa said...

if slut came to the u.s, she'd get really confused because we don't have rockets here. they're called smarties here. and i won't tell her if you don't tell her.
i've done the green tea fat intervention crap.
i'm still fat.
just sayin'

Anonymous said...

Mary I'm so glad you are such a great friend to my mother the Slut. Keep up the great work. You are such a card.
I guess I won't tell people your real nickname! bahaha! And Smarties are nothing like rockets.. Smarties in Canada are chocolate candies. WEIRD.

Mary@Holy Mackerel said...

Thanks, Meg!! I don't know what your mom would do without me, really.

As for the Rockets/Smarties issue, I don't see how Americans can not have Rockets. How can you survive?? Smarties are little round chocolate candies, nothing like Rockets, really.

I will do the right thing, the moral thing, and send anyone who wants a Rocket a sample, so that you know what you're missing. Just let me know!

Nicole said...

I'll help!
Just drop all of the rockets off at my house and I'll make sure they disappear *cough* I mean.. are hidden away.. where no one will find them.

My mom also thinks that anything with green tea it in can't be bad for you and is a huge fan of all those "natural" weight loss products.
Being that she is supposed to be my role model I'm confused about how I'm supposed to feel about my self image when she's trying so hard to lose all of her non-existent ass fat and I weigh 20 pounds more and am significantly curvier than she is?

I mean, I'm pretty happy with myself but, just saying..

Chatabox Girl said...

shes not the only one! I have the flaky eyebrows too!!!!!

i usually give them a bit of a scrub with a flannel, and then put on a clump of moisturiser (Dont forget to wipe it off before you go out... or not. Like I occasionally do)

and whatever you do... DONT PICK THE BROWS! it make it worse.... Trust me!


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