Slut's In Trouble

Slut needs our help, guys.

She's in bad shape, and it's my duty to help her.

Slut, if you don't already know, is my dearest friend, and I would do anything for her. Anything. I'd even have another transvaginal probe put up my Precious for her. Yes, that's how much I adore her. If you want to know more about Slut, you can find out here. She's as crazy as I am, if not more so, in fact. Although, of course, she'd disagree. She's like that -- disagreeable. But I still love her, because that's how I roll. She's also a blast at the restaurant, and in church.

But Slut is in dire straits, and needs our advice.

It's her eyebrows, guys. They're flaky.

Her eyebrows have dandruff.




Actually, her brows are not like that dude's. Not like that at all. They're more like No. 21 below, except when she's pissed, and then they're more like No. 22. And when she's constipated, they're more like No. 16 mixed with a little No. 27.





I know. Awful, isn't it? Not the brows, but the fact that her brows have dandruff. Have you ever heard such a thing?

So, now you understand her predicament, and that she needs our help, and fast.

You see, she's resorted to trying to rectify the sorry situation herself, and the results are not good. Not good at all.

So, here's where we come in. Because, dudes, she used Head & Shoulders on her brows, and the shampoo caused a rather nasty burning sensation on the nine brow hairs Slut actually has in the specific brow region, causing her to curse and scream, as only Slut can. She already had a bad redness sprouting within the brow area, and the last thing she needed was some dandruff-reducing shampoo burning holes into her forehead.

Then she resorted to using her daughter's cortisone cream, which has done absolutely nothing to curb the flakes emanating from her browline. All it did was give her bad flashbacks to her youth, when her hair was a greasy mess.

It's getting serious, because these flakes fall into Slut's morning Kashi, and it makes for a very disgruntled girlfriend, and then I have to listen to her whine and cry about her problem eyebrows for three hours straight, and I just don't have the energy for that anymore.

I have my own problems, guys.

Like, whether I should look for another clean pair of underwear, or just continue wearing the same pair until the new dryer arrives later this week. Or like, whether I should go to the liquor store in the morning after I've had a couple of chocolate martinis, or whether I should wait until after I've had my Xanax with my noon cocktail.

So, please, everyone, give me your solutions. And quickly, please. Because Slut is bound to go to any extreme in an effort to stop the flakes. I know her. And I know next she's liable to pull out one of these:

Because if anyone's brave enough to paint their bathroom blood orange, they'll obviously do anything.