Slut's In Trouble

Slut needs our help, guys.

She's in bad shape, and it's my duty to help her.

Slut, if you don't already know, is my dearest friend, and I would do anything for her. Anything. I'd even have another transvaginal probe put up my Precious for her. Yes, that's how much I adore her. If you want to
know more about Slut, you can find out here. She's as crazy as I am, if not more so, in fact. Although, of course, she'd disagree. She's like that -- disagreeable. But I still love her, because that's how I roll. She's also a blast at the restaurant, and in church.

But Slut is in dire straits, and needs our advice.

It's her eyebrows, guys. They're flaky.

Her eyebrows have dandruff.

Actually, her brows are not like that dude's. Not like that at all. They're more like No. 21 below, except when she's pissed, and then they're more like No. 22. And when she's constipated, they're more like No. 16 mixed with a little No. 27.

I know. Awful, isn't it? Not the brows, but the fact that her brows have dandruff. Have you ever heard such a thing?

So, now you understand her predicament, and that she needs our help, and fast.

You see, she's resorted to trying to rectify the sorry situation herself, and the results are not good. Not good at all.

So, here's where we come in. Because, dudes, she used Head & Shoulders on her brows, and the shampoo caused a rather nasty burning sensation on the nine brow hairs Slut actually has in the specific brow region, causing her to curse and scream, as only Slut can. She already had a bad redness sprouting within the brow area, and the last thing she needed was some dandruff-reducing shampoo burning holes into her forehead.

Then she resorted to using her daughter's cortisone cream, which has done absolutely nothing to curb the flakes emanating from her browline. All it did was give her bad flashbacks to her youth, when her hair was a greasy mess.

It's getting serious, because these flakes fall into Slut's morning Kashi, and it makes for a very disgruntled girlfriend, and then I have to listen to her whine and cry about her problem eyebrows for three hours straight, and I just don't have the energy for that anymore.

I have my own problems, guys.

Like, whether I should look for another clean pair of underwear, or just continue wearing the same pair until the new dryer arrives later this week. Or like, whether I should go to the liquor store in the morning after I've had a couple of chocolate martinis, or whether I should wait until after I've had my Xanax with my noon cocktail.

So, please, everyone, give me your solutions. And quickly, please. Because Slut is bound to go to any extreme in an effort to stop the flakes. I know her. And I know next she's liable to pull out one of these:

Because if anyone's brave enough to paint their bathroom blood orange, they'll obviously do anything.


mo.stoneskin said…

Not sure if I have anything helpful to say.

My wife and I were speculating about Sylar's eyebrows (Heroes) last night, are they real?! But that's not really that helpful is it?!
The Grandpa said…
Got the same problem. It's lack of moisture, just plain H2O. But I solved it. I never get out of the shower. Well sometimnes I do, but then I get back in. Tell her to give it a try.
Rachel said…
Baby oil? Like for cradle cap?

Poor Slut.
Debbie said…
I gotta take one kid to the dermatologist today. You want me to ask him about flaky eyebrows?
Gaston Studio said…
Wow, Slut's got a real problem! I think Grandpa has the solution and think how clean Slut will be!

Found you thru Facts Strictly Optional and and going to grab one of your peeps and continue on!

Slut needs to use a facial scrub (NOT a bathroom scrub like AJAX Mary, it's important to get this right). After gently scrubbing her brows (heck, scrub the whole face), then cover them with an oil free moisturizer.
Hope she is feeling less flaky and more slutty real soon!
Kelly said…
Poor slut.

Just wanted to say that. It was fun.
I'm thinking shave em off and start over, but not sure she'd like that.
Tina said…
i have never heard of dandruff in eyebrows. i have never thought of it like that before.

hope your friend manages to sort it out
ModernMom said…
I have no idea! I'd say tackle it from the inside out. Drink lots and lots of water.
kel said…
Oh my god.. I am dying! I say Olive Oil... like they do on baby heads. you are freakin' hilarious.
Em said…
I'm with Rachel - or maybe Vaseline?

Or move to the South. Too damn humid around here for anything to flake.

For you? Go buy some new undies, and after the Xanax - everyone will appreciate both.
Michel said…
ummm....can eyebrows GET dandruff... I think it is just dry skin?? Lotion or carmex. I know sounds disgusting, but i put that crap on my nose when i burn it and it flakes. Heals really fast.

Obviously, slut needs to stop ho'in around. that shit's not right.
♥Trina♥ said…
Yikes! Never heard of eyebrow dandruff. No suggestions, either.
pam said…
Poor slut. I have no idea what she should do.

I am going to read the other commenter's suggestions:)
3 Bay B Chicks said…
I went back and read your history with Slut. I understand now how your bond came to be and has lasted. Buying your friends is NEVER a bad idea.

As for the eyebrow situation, that is definitely a new one. I'd take up Debbie on her offer to consult her kid's dermatologist. Nothing is as reliable as a third-hand opinion from a doctor.

Soxy Deb said…
Electrolysis and then tattooed on eyebrows. Think of the time youd save waxing and plucking, never mind the dandruff.
It's time for her to pluck the remaining 9 hairs and go with tattoos. I see nothing else she can do.

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