The Chicken Caper

We are honest and good people. Unless we're buying chicken breasts that happen to be on sale.

Then, watch out. No holds barred is how we roll.

We don't like following senseless rules made by big ass organizations, especially when it limits one's poultry purchasing capabilities.

A limit of two packages per family, the sign said.

Two measly packages. We'll see about that. We'll show those big guys who's really boss in this town.

We form a posse, Mr. Handsome up in front, me behind him holding Dee's hand, Em bringing up the rear. All the while, our eyes do not meet, nor do we speak. We are alone in this endeavour. All alone. And yet, a team. It's poetic.

Mr. Handsome picks out two choice packages of chicken breasts. Skinless. Boneless. Priceless. He turns, does not acknowledge my existence, and quickly starts making his way to the cash at the front of the store.

Now, it's my turn. A smile forms as I watch Mr. Handsome leave, not sure I can believe what we are doing. Damn. Did an employee see me smiling at him, and now they know?

I'm safe.

I search through the freezer bin for the perfect poultry packages. My hands grow cold with the effort. I'm not sure I can fulfill the task.

I finally find the appropriate packs, and I look up to see Em staring at me. She quickly looks away, and again I do the rounds of the store with my eyes, ensuring no one has seen this obvious communication between us.

Again, safe. When will our luck run out? I ask myself, as I start walking purposefully to the cash.

I get to the front of the store, and get in line behind someone I know from the neighbourhood, and start jabbering, chattering away about everything and nothing, as such things are.

As I get closer to the cash, I realize I don't have a penny to my name. I don't have my credit card either. I'm screwed.

So, I make the effort to hiss very loudly, surreptitiously asking Em for some bills, knowing Mr. Handsome had given her some before our foray into this vast building of rules and poultry. I don't think I've been seen, and if I have, it's too late. I'll take the bullet for the team.

Em hands me a $20, and tells me with no uncertainty that that's all she has for me.

My poultry purchase will be about $25.

I start to panic. The sweat begins to drip down the back of my neck. My palms start losing their hold on the precious cargo.

I don't want to lose my place in line (the line-ups were atrocious), and Em hasn't quite gotten in place yet, so I coerce her to find Mr. Handsome and get some more money from him. But, I remind her, don't let anyone see you, or we're screwed.

She does it. She's coming back with a fiver. I see it in her hand. I stick out my hand, and more swiftly than David Copperfield makes the naked woman disappear, she puts it in my hand. She's good. Very good.

I finally get to the cash. Almost there, I say to myself. Just pay the lady and get out. Stay calm.

I leave the store. Breathe. See both children by the car, Em with chicken pallets in hand. Rain is pouring down on us.

Then I realize Mr. Handsome is still in line in the store, and has the keys to the car.

I have to go back in there. I have no choice. This isn't over yet. Far from it. Nothing's easy in this life.

Just as I start back into the store, I see Mr. Handsome leaving. He looks confused. He stops to read the wall, where people have left ads. I yell out to him, get his attention. And then I realize what I have done.

We make a run for it, through the rain, down the slick parking lot to the car. As we near it, Mr. Handsome deftly pushes the trunk button on his key with one swift movement of his opposable thumb, and the trunk pops open. With one fell swoop, we all drop our load, close the trunk and get into the car, and breathe again.

Mission accomplished.

Next week: The cereal aisle.


lmao!!! This is the reason we have kids, isn't it?
mo.stoneskin said…
A fabulous adventure. Slightly disturbing picture!
Oh YEAH.........I love a posse with a plan Mary. Way to beat the establishment and get "the man". Limit schimit I say.
Enjoy your breasts.........wiat that didn't sound exactly right did it? Well, enjoy them anyway :)

Steady On
Reggie Girl
♥georgie♥ said…
LMAO! I love how you all were being all sneaky like...this has to be a classic
ChurchPunkMom said…
You are brave, fearless people.. I admire you.

2 packages?? wth?? We have seven people in our family.. 2 packages would barely be enough for a stir fry.


I LOVE your chicken picture.
Jennifer said…
That picture is so disturbing.
I LOVED THIS! I thought I was the only one who found freakiness in nature. Glad to see I have a soul mate there.
LutzFam said…
Your families cooperation is impressive. Love it!
I assume you are having chicken for dinner?
A. K. said…
Funny picture.. Where did you get that pic... Happy weekends
Move over Bonnie and Clyde....


ModernMom said…
Ha Ha. That is the best post I've read in a long time! Did something similar with the recent toilet paper sale at the local store. I went back twice in the same week and did not feel the least bit guilty. A woman needs her toilet paper!
dizzblnd said…
I'm sorry.. I could read the post.. I was too busy laughing at the picture
Gaston Studio said…
Love, love, love the chicken photo!

Great plan of action and, as you said, mission accomplished. Can't wait to see what you have in mind for the cereal aisle.
Damn the man! You show them who is boss!!!

As a former manager at Albertsons, I used to laugh at families like you. You are not the only ones who went in there with that type of mission.

Enjoy your Chicken!
Skye said…
You know Mary, there are much easier ways of doing that. I've taken Silv to a store when there have been limits like that. I'll grab the limit for say maybe 3 households, Silv does the same. We both have cash for 2 of them and we use are bank cards/credit cards for the other. I put my groceries on the counter, put up a divider, lay down the limit for the next "person", put down a divider and do the same again. They ask me what I'm doing, and I say that one set is for my aunt and another set is for my grandmother. I py for my groceries with my card and then use cash (as if that's what my grandmother and aunt gave me, tucked away in different areas of my purse) for the other two. Reciepts and change is all put into the purse seperate and no one

It's not like the cashiers are going to actually give you a lie detector test to see if you're telling the truth or not. Besides, this way one household leaves with 6 limits using only 2 people and no worries about asking for cash from someone
Knit Purl Gurl said…
SO funny!!! We do this too - Right before school started, Staples had pocket folder for a penny a piece, limit 15. So DH, DS, & I all got in line with our 15 folders and out 15 cents. It was our little way of stickin' it to the man.
Michel said…

well played my friend, well played!
Jane! said…
Oh man, you have pretty much just confessed your crimes to the world. The Grocery Police will be confiscating your freezer in no time.
Ah shit, that's funny. And that bird! Chazam! Hubba hubba!

(FYI, commenting on other people's blog whilst wearing a neckbrace really stinks--I feel like such a lewser!!)
Cathy Winsby said…
Absolutely Perfect!! :)
Seriously, I could hear the Mission Impossible music playing in the background. Well done, Mary, well done!
Tina said…
after i saw that pic i just couldnt stop laughing and concentrate ha ha! how freaky!!
Sarah Lulu said…
Ohh that made me cry laughing.

AND today I have to buy chicken fillets and I hope they are on special!!!!

I'll be taking my son with me ...
he looks nothing like me haha.
Pamela Kramer said…
I have to have my hubby read this. It sounds like something we would do.
Lisa said…
Gracious, you had me worried!
Anonymous said…
A-ha! Now I understand why they were sold out of the amazing chicken deal (not once, but TWICE this week), when I went in to get my allotment.


Pretty funny post.
♥Trina♥ said…
Um, yeah, John and I are guilty of doing similar things.

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