Welcome To Our Home Of Toxic Waste

I've got spring fever, and I never get spring fever. It must mean I'm coming out of this deep, dark hole I seem to have been in for about 1,033 years. Or maybe it's just that I have finally reached the point of not being able to stand this hell hole we call our home. Our Hallowed Home of Toxic Waste.

Mr. Handsome has been extremely busy the past two months and some with some heavy-duty project at work that keeps his little brain smoking and his little fingers typing for hours and hours on end, so he is never available to clean the house for us. When he has weekends off, he normally becomes the Fuhrer and makes the children vacuum, wash floors, tidy cupboards, and make dinners, while he lolls on the couch. Kidding.

So, instead of tidying and cleaning, like any sane person would normally do when her head resembles Linda Blair's at her worst moment ...



after seeing what her own bedroom looks like...

... and then realizing that, oh my god in heaven, the rest of the house is in even worse shape...

... I smiled like this, because I know how attractive I am when I smile like this (Mr. Handsome tells me all the time) ...

...and I went Internet surfing, because there is nothing that helps me feel better than to look at the many things I could buy for the house to make it all pretty. Of course, afterwards, I get extremely depressed and am then bedridden for weeks on end because I realize that we can't even afford a paperclip at Staples, let alone the box it comes in.

My and Mr. Handsome's bedroom sure could use a facelift, let me tell you. I can't even post pictures of it here, that's how bad it is. Not only that, but then you would also see all the dusty sex paraphernalia we have strewn all over, and that wouldn't be so cool.

Anyway, like I said, I started surfing the web, and came upon some wonderful homey things that made my mouth water and my eyes glaze over. Oh, if only I had the means...

So, because I spend most of my waking hours prostrate in the bedroom, reading People magazines and eating bonbons, I thought this is where I should start my home renovation dream-weaving escapade.

First, I went to IKEA, which isn't that far from where I live, just down the road a bit actually, but I'd rather just surf their website because walking through IKEA is like making your way through the maze in The Shining, and then you have to stop at the IKEA restaurant and have their fabulous Swedish meatballs and mashed potatoes, and then you end up getting boxed in by a family of six and two old women who are side-by-side and who don't realize there are any other people in the world, and that these other people don't all feel like standing behind them, waiting, while they choose which utensil would go better with their cups and saucers. So, that's why I'd rather go to IKEA's website. Long story short.

IKEA has very affordable and very nice-looking bedroom ware, and I've decided it's the place to go if you're looking for a quick facelift while simultaneously having enough money left over to buy toilet paper at the end of the day. I'm partial to wood, which can often be expensive to buy, so it's nice to have a place like IKEA to hang your hat.

I found this bed at IKEA that rocked my boat. Made of pine, which I love, it also comes in any size you'd want. I would, of course, choose king-sized, because I need my space, and also, if Mr. Handsome and I have one of our very rare arguments, I don't have to touch him all night long. I love you, dear.

Then I found this bed, and I thought, if I had the money, this is what I'd get. And then I remembered we already have a sleigh bed sort of like this, but not hand-crafted and made of mahogany, blahblahblah. And of course, it looks like crap because we never make the bed, and you can barely see it for all the magazines and sex paraphernalia strewn about. I think I already covered that. Not only that, but because Mr. Handsome is so good with tools, our bed manages to fall apart every other day.

I then found this amazing place for bedding on Etsy, where they will make a custom duvet for you. Take a look at some of these! They're right up my alley, but I know I will never own one because Mr. Handsome despises all things original and unique and beautiful unless there is some obvious use for its beauty. As in, can this duvet cover that costs the earth be used for anything other than just sitting on the bed and looking pretty? Because if the answer's no, I'm not interested.

I also loved this duvet cover because I seem to be partial to deep reds, and this one hit me in the right spot. It's probably too girly and pretty for someone as manly as Mr. Handsome though. He'd most probably go for a duvet cover with wrenches and ball peen hammers on it. Or the Canadian Tire logo.

I then found the perfect sheets to go with the bed that I would buy for my imaginary bedroom. I would buy these just to freak Mr. Handsome's freak right out. I also loved this bedding set from Calvin Klein, although these wouldn't freak Mr. Handsome out at all. He'd probably like them because they're rather plain, and blue. Which is fine by me. I'm easy like that.

Something about this bedding from Pottery Barn hit me the right way as well. The colours in it just made me swoon. I'm weird like that. I liked this one too. Red, of course. And this one ripped at my heart, I wanted it so bad. It's on sale right now too, which just makes me cry that much harder.

Now I have to go convince Mr. Handsome. This might take awhile.