Perimenopause -- aka I Want A Penis

Perimenopause.

(Warning: If you are not able and willing to read about bodily fluids, and other such nonsense, stop here. That means most men. Don't say I didn't warn you. Mind you, there isn't MUCH mention of bodily fluids, but probably enough to make you squirm and twitch.)

Definition: The period around the onset of menopause that is often marked by various physical signs, such as hot flashes and menstrual irregularity.

What they forget to mention:

• the sudden and sometimes constant urge to spew vulgar animal sounds at everyone around you
• the inexplicable tearing of the hair, your own or anyone's who is within a 200-mile radius of you
• the wonderful unexpected gush of menstrual fluid, when you were sure your period was over and done with
• moments of overwhelming emotion, whereby a commercial of a motorcycle-riding grandma wearing diapers makes you sob for 2 hours and very angry, simultaneously
• the many points in time when indecision takes over for even the most minute issues, such as whether to put on a new pair of underwear or continue wearing the same ones for the 8th day in a row
• the gnawing pain in the lower gut region that reminds you you are a woman, and you have a uterus that is nearing the end of its usefulness, but is not giving up without a damn good fight, involving unexpected bouts of nausea, cramping, and menstruation reminiscent of adolescence
• breast tenderness
• screams emanating from the lower throat because someone (read: Mr. Handsome) decides to give your extremely tender breasts a wee tweak
• stripping of all clothing while Mr. Handsome, who is always hot (yes, in all definitions of the word, now go away) shivers and puts on yet another layer of fleece
• having to once again explain to Mr. Handsome that the stripping of my clothing is not a premonition of things to come, but simply a panicked attempt at trying to lower my temperature as a result of damning and unexpected hot flashes that come over me like a flash flood -- literally
• inability to sleep at night, and overwhelming fatigue during the day
• extreme irritability because of said insomnia and fatigue occurring simultaneously
• the expenditure of all available financial resources in an effort to stop the obvious and ever-increasing appearance of sagging skin, wrinkles, and thickening waist, drooping breasts, and flabby upper arms

I'm exhausted. And annoyed. And wishing I was a man. With a penis.