Neti Here, Neti There, Neti Neti Everywhere!

Once upon a time, I went to a relatively reputable doctor for my sinuses. You see, apart from my countless other health issues that seem to have no resolution, my sinuses were giving me maybe the most grief (at that time), and so I thought, there must be a simple solution to this nonsense of constantly having gunk in my nose and throat, and of having to always cough up grossness and keep everyone awake for two hours while I clear my throat while trying to fall asleep. You get the picture.


My regular doctor wasn't helping any, and so I thought I had a great idea: go to another one and see what happens! What's the worst thing that could happen? Right? Right.

Wrong.

I thought, this doctor seems pretty much on the straight and narrow. He's sure to know what I should take for this very annoying condition of mine that has been beleaguering me now for probably, oh, let's say five damn years. Oh, sorry. Did I just say that really loudly, and with lots of anger?! Yes, you could say it's been frustrating. No one seemed to have the cure. And I thought, for shit's sake, how hard can it be to fix an excess snot problem? Heck, they can replace lungs and things now, can't they?! Exactly my point. I'm glad you agree.

Anyway. Off I go to this doctor, who I'm sure will prescribe some magic pill or formula for me to take, and voila! my nose and throat will no longer fill up with thick, viscous, glutinous and adhesive crud. I will be free as a bird, as happy as a butterfly, and I can once again skip down the streets lined with tulips, daisies and roses, whistling "Skinnamarink".

This doctor, whom I shall call Dr. Funny, looks like a cross between Alfred E. Newman

and Dennis the Menace.

Yeah. Not the most handsome man on the face of the earth. But, I said to myself as I studied his curious face and the rather large space between his front teeth, I'm not here to ogle his beauty. I'm here to fix my very disturbing mucus issue. I don't want him to ravish me. I want him to repair my nasal system.

Dr. Funny said to me, "I know exactly what you need."

My heart raced as he lisped those words. They were music to my ears.

I waited with bated breath for the name of the medication, my salvation in a bottle. I almost peed my pants, I was so excited.

And then Dr. Funny said, "Have you ever used a Neti pot?"

I, being the curious and intelligent person that I am, said, "Nope."

He went on, explaining that it's an old Indian remedy for nasal congestion and allergies. You fill up this specially made pot with salt water, lukewarm so that you don't shock your nasal system and go into full cardiac arrest, and you slowly pour this lukewarm salt water into one nostril, and allow it to simply flooooow out the other nostril. Sounds easy, doesn't it?

This is a Neti pot. Mine is nowhere near this fancy. Mine is actually made out of blue plastic, and it reminds me of those little pink plastic Little Tykes teapots little children play with. Very professional looking.

Dr. Funny told me how to use it. He said it's easy.

This is what it looks like when you use one of these suckers.

Doesn't it look graceful?

A tip: If you're single, offer to have a "Neti pot date" with your lover. I swear he'll be a keeper forever and ever.

Dr. Funny then gave me a recipe for a clarified butter solution, which I was then supposed to put into my Neti pot and swiftly pour into one nostril and out the other. Just another way of moistening the nasal passages, he said. Simple.

This was me after a bout of clarified butter up my nose.

Just kidding. I would never use clarified butter on my nasal system. This is actually a photo of what I looked like after using clarified butter on my butt. Try it. You'll like it.