The Pokey Neighbours Are Heading Out

Here I was, listening to Furry and Mo, our guinea pigs, bite into each other's flesh in a moment of frenzy, as I sat trying to come up with something to write about, when -- KAPLOOEEE!! -- Em bounces in the front door and exclaims, "Hey, mommy, did you know the pokey neighbours are moving?!"

And I'm all, "Wha'?! Who!?? Where?"

And she's all, "The POKEY NEIGHBOURS."

And I'm all, "What the hell does that mean, child?! Go to your room!!"

And then she points, and all was made clear, like the ocean parting for Jeebus, or whoever that was.

And I then genuflected and promised to anyone who would listen that I would never sin again or take the lord's name in vain, or steal my husband's goddammed cookies.

Because these are the neighbours I cannot stand, and guys, THEY'RE MOVING! As in, AWAY FROM ME!!

These are the neighbours who come and pick my trash up off my lawn, and dispose of it for me. Like I said, they're awful. And have I mentioned that I hate them? Okay, "hate" may be too harsh a word, but then you tell me what it means when I see 'her' outside looking at our house, and I uncontrollably snarl and a deep growl rises from the depths of my throat? That could be nothing else but hatred, no? Methinks so.

These are the neighbours who look out their kitchen window, and decide that what we have sitting beside our house in our laneway is not appropriate, and that it is their business to tell us to remove it. Oh yes. These are the neighbours who put curtains up in their windows and close them at the earliest sign of life from our laneway, because obviously, we are making our way outdoors SO THAT WE CAN LOOK THROUGH THEIR GODDAMMED WINDOW!!!

So, like I said, not too upset that they are moving.

Of course, I knew they'd be moving. Their house isn't huge, and they just had another child, not that I'd really know this because they avoid me like the plague, and god forbid they even allow me to look at their child for fear of giving it some form of the Diseased Untidiness.

I guess that, apart from Ms Judgey McJudge and her attitude about our lawn, they upset me because they dared not make friends with me. There, I said it. It's out now. Yes, that's right. I'm a bit upset about that. Because really? I'm a very friendly person, and tons o' fun to be around. Usually.

So, what did they do? They made friends with some other neighbours a few houses down. Yeah. Oh, they tried to hide it. They would walk down the street, a bit apart from one another, in a feeble attempt at illusion. But I knew differently. It just makes.me.sick.

Anystupidneighbours, I'm thinking I may go to their open house this weekend, just to snoop. Mr. Handsome's idea might work as well. He said we might want to buy the house just so we have somewhere to put all my crap. I, on the other hand, am thinking the house would be a wonderful addition to our home, a wing of sorts, connected by an underground tunnel, where I could go for some much-needed peace and quiet.

I'll let you know what happens when they find the dog poop I surreptitiously plant in one of their closets during the open house. Just kidding. Maybe.