The Pokey Neighbours Are Heading Out

Here I was, listening to Furry and Mo, our guinea pigs, bite into each other's flesh in a moment of frenzy, as I sat trying to come up with something to write about, when -- KAPLOOEEE!! -- Em bounces in the front door and exclaims, "Hey, mommy, did you know the pokey neighbours are moving?!"

And I'm all, "Wha'?! Who!?? Where?"

And she's all, "The POKEY NEIGHBOURS."

And I'm all, "What the hell does that mean, child?! Go to your room!!"

And then she points, and all was made clear, like the ocean parting for Jeebus, or whoever that was.

And I then genuflected and promised to anyone who would listen that I would never sin again or take the lord's name in vain, or steal my husband's goddammed cookies.

Because these are the neighbours I cannot stand, and guys, THEY'RE MOVING! As in, AWAY FROM ME!!

These are the neighbours who come and pick my trash up off my lawn, and dispose of it for me. Like I said, they're awful. And have I mentioned that I hate them? Okay, "hate" may be too harsh a word, but then you tell me what it means when I see 'her' outside looking at our house, and I uncontrollably snarl and a deep growl rises from the depths of my throat? That could be nothing else but hatred, no? Methinks so.

These are the neighbours who look out their kitchen window, and decide that what we have sitting beside our house in our laneway is not appropriate, and that it is their business to tell us to remove it. Oh yes. These are the neighbours who put curtains up in their windows and close them at the earliest sign of life from our laneway, because obviously, we are making our way outdoors SO THAT WE CAN LOOK THROUGH THEIR GODDAMMED WINDOW!!!

So, like I said, not too upset that they are moving.

Of course, I knew they'd be moving. Their house isn't huge, and they just had another child, not that I'd really know this because they avoid me like the plague, and god forbid they even allow me to look at their child for fear of giving it some form of the Diseased Untidiness.

I guess that, apart from Ms Judgey McJudge and her attitude about our lawn, they upset me because they dared not make friends with me. There, I said it. It's out now. Yes, that's right. I'm a bit upset about that. Because really? I'm a very friendly person, and tons o' fun to be around. Usually.

So, what did they do? They made friends with some other neighbours a few houses down. Yeah. Oh, they tried to hide it. They would walk down the street, a bit apart from one another, in a feeble attempt at illusion. But I knew differently. It just

Anystupidneighbours, I'm thinking I may go to their open house this weekend, just to snoop. Mr. Handsome's idea might work as well. He said we might want to buy the house just so we have somewhere to put all my crap. I, on the other hand, am thinking the house would be a wonderful addition to our home, a wing of sorts, connected by an underground tunnel, where I could go for some much-needed peace and quiet.

I'll let you know what happens when they find the dog poop I surreptitiously plant in one of their closets during the open house. Just kidding. Maybe.


Dorsey said…
I completely understand where you're coming from!!! Though I must confess after we moved we got reamed by the past neighbors for who we "let buy our house." Apparently some less than desirable folks bought the house and as a lovely housewarming had many friends over and were found to have been roasting a pig on a spit in the driveway. I could have keeled over laughing!! (And did cry I laughed so hard after I'd left) My only response was, well, the check cleared the bank. Ha!
Ugh, we had a neighbor like that once! My husband nicknamed him "Buttcrack!!" We literally forgot what his real name was! We'd just say things like, "Hey, did you see Buttcrack just got a new sprinkler?"

When I hosted a work party at my house, everyone came over and immediately peered out my windows, saying, "I have GOT to see Buttcrack while I'm here!" Apparently, I talked about him at work quite a bit!

Glad your "Buttcracks" are leaving! Yay!
ReformingGeek said…
I like your open house idea.

When someone comes to look at their house, make sure you go outside in your robe and bunny slippers with wild hair, chasing your BIG dog.

Hee Hee.

They sounds like such snobs.
We never see any of our neighbors - they all come home and pull into their garages, never to be seen again. Oh, except for their kids, who hang out in MY yard, the only one with adult supervision! The kids even come to my house to get my 'caution, kids playing' sign when they're skate boarding or riding bikes. (Why is this strange? I have no kids, except for the grandsons who are here off and on during the week.)

No poop in the want them to sell, remember?
MarieA said…
I LOVE it. go to the open house and go into EVERY closet. Make susre the realtor knows you live next door and perhaps he'll tell them you wee over there snooping. What are they going to do about it? LMAO!

Though I also like the idea of greeting prospective buyers in your robe and wild hair.

Wishing you some nice new neighbors.
Hope you get some nicer neighbours,
I hope it isn't a question of better the devil you know than the one you don't lol.
I had some people in the appartment above me who were noisy beyond belief, well they moved and the people who have moved in has had squirrel traps put down to kill the small community of squirrels which I enjoyed watching
going from tree to tree.
I will never forget the look on the face of one squirrel that was trapped.
But on the positive side you may get someone who will be lovely.

Take care.
MsDarkstar said…
Hope you get some GOOD neighbors. I'd settle for someone decent who actually speaks English and doesn't let their kids start screaming at 6AM and go on until the wee hours of the morning.
sewa mobil said…
Nice article,
Keep posting stuff like this i really like it.
God Bless.
WarsawMommy said…
HA! When I lived back in Canada, there was a guy on our street that my Dad called 'Tiny Mr. Perfect'. TMP would trim the grass around his driveway WITH SCISSORS. No lie, people.

But wait for it... turns out that TMP was actually beating the crap out of his wife (a very nice, warm and beautiful woman) and terrorising their two tiny perfect daughters. Seems TMP had serious control issues that extended waaaaaayyy beyond his lawn - nothing could ever be 'perfect' enough, and it was all about how his family and house and car made HIM look. Imagine living with that, huh?

Ever since then I have regarded lawn and property Nazis with great suspicion; I think that picking up your NEIGHBOUR'S trash is very indicative of YOUR control and domination issues.

Glad to hear they're moving. Get any and all control freaks out of your personal space, I say. Gah.
Anonymous said…
Didja every think that if you do all that stuff potential buyers would think "Gad - I don't want to live next door to them" and then the house wouldn't sell and they would stay there forever and ever...?

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