Carl Helps A Girl Out

I had a bad day yesterday. Joanna from the Czech Republic would be happy for me. But then, it turned into being a pretty good day, so maybe Joanna from the Czech Republic would instead be lolling in her very own misery. Hard to say. Maybe I'll put a poll up and you guys can vote.

I slept in until 9 a.m. because I couldn't sleep the night before. I don't know why. I tossed and I turned, and I turned some more, and then I burped and probably even farted a couple of times, but still, no sleep. And then I finally fell asleep and had a dream I was in paramedic school, and I was the youngest one in the class (which is beyond hilarious, unless you're Joanna from the Czech Republic), and then I got lost during the break when I went out into the hallway to get myself a soda, and then I found a washroom, and there were all these tough girls in there, and they gave me a look, and so I hid in a stall and then I woke up and had to pee.

I got up and realized it was late and that my kids had already gone to school, and then I felt really bad because, although I sometimes don't get up in time before they leave, I sure try my best, because what kind of a mother would I be otherwise?? An even worse kind of mother than I already am, that's what kind.

So, as I wallowed in self-pity and made myself a coffee, I tried to decide whether I should go back to bed after having my coffee, or watch what was remaining of Regis and Kelly before going back to bed. Big decisions, guys. But then I remembered I was meeting my friend Bertrand for lunch, so going back to bed was no longer on the list, unless I wanted to miss out on a free lunch, which I didn't. Obviously.

Instead, I had my coffee, popped my pills, and slowly began to get dressed.

And then my bangs wouldn't work properly, so instead of swooping nicely to the side like this:
they did this:   

which is obviously totally unacceptable, so I spent 20 minutes with the stupid curling iron trying to fix them, to no avail.

Then I went back downstairs and my stomach started feeling gnarly because I had only had a coffee and my pills without any food, but I didn't want to eat anything because I was going out for lunch (see how difficult this life of mine is?), so I felt like I was trapped between two very large rocks that were slowly moving toward me, closer and closer, and I was Indiana Jones without a whip, so I went to the window to open the blinds because the sun was streaming in, and I thought that maybe that would make me happier.

Nope. It didn't.

Because this is what happened when I started opening the first blind:

And then, after pondering things for probably two minutes, I realized that the blind was actually broken, and had been broken for quite some time, which is why we normally don't use it. And then I couldn't fix it so that the bottom was all level again, and it was driving me all crazy, and I had to spend the rest of the day looking away from the window so that I wouldn't have to see the crazy crookedness of it all. And when my friend Bertrand came to pick me up, he told me I was classy with the blind all upside down and inside out like that, and that my neighbours must really love me.Yes, Bertrand. Yes, they do love me. A lot.

So, instead, I looked into a mirror, and realized that what I was wearing had a big mustard stain on it, but to change would mean going all the way upstairs and actually searching for something clean to wear, and it exhausted me just thinking about it. Not only that, but I was running out of time. So, I didn't change, and went out with a mustard stain on my top, which made me that much classier. You're welcome, Bertrand.

But then, everything changed. Because when I opened all the blinds (the others work just fine), I saw that my friend Carl was here.

Guys, meet Carl.

This isn't a real picture of Carl, but he looked pretty much like this, except he had legs and wings. Apparently, this guy doesn't. Maybe that's why he's upset. I know I would be.

I couldn't actually get a picture of Carl because when I went to grab my camera to get said picture, my battery was dead, so I had to plug it in to recharge it, and we all know that doesn't happen lickety split. So, in the meantime, I pulled out my cell phone to get a shot, and I did, but it's a really bad shot, and you can barely see the garbage on the lawn, let alone Carl. Plus, I have no idea how to transfer it onto my computer.

Carl changed the day around for me, so I owe him big.

Because when I looked out the window, Carl was at our garbage bags, pulling crap out of them and tossing them pell mell on our lawn. And I can't swear that this is true, but I am pretty sure that more than once he gazed over to Her place and taunted her. Yes! Carl is my partner in crime in My Great Plan to Totally Freak Out The Neighbours With My Garbage And Other Such Nonsense.

See what Carl did?

I took this photo with my good camera, once the battery had recharged (in case you're wondering why this photo is actually clear, and thinking that what I said above is all just a big fat lie now).

Thanks for helping with My Great Plan To Annihilate Totally Freak Out The Neighbours With My Garbage And Other Such Nonsense, Carl. You and your murder are welcome around these parts anytime you want.


Claire said…
I have tears in my eyes, I'm laughing so Carl.
Hi Mary, you make even the dullest day hilarious, I really look forward to your post. Carl is a Godsend,sent from who knows where but he certainly knows what you expect of him. Thanks for the chuckle your post gave me, I shall be laughing all the way to the hairdressers.
Have a good day ( if possible)
MsDarkstar said…
I love it when Mother Nature sends her helpful minions (like Carl) to help out.
I've had that dream about the tough girls in the bathroom.

This was hilarious. Your morning is more eventful than my whole life.

As much as I would like to freak out my neighbors, Carl better stay away. I don't want them knowing about the pills. Soooo many pills.
Shana said…
I am wondering if you carry your camera strpped to your chest so you can take instant pictures of blinds ( but no mustard stain--and are you SURE is was mustard??)
ReformingGeek said…

I'm so glad your day ended in the trash.

What a great turn around.
It's good to have friends like Carl. You're like Cinderella or that chick from Enchanted.
franzi said…
oh, your husband will LOVE this garbage close-up ;-)


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