I Obviously Have No Life, But I Still Have More Of A Life Than Mrs. Snooty McSnooterpants

Today's post is brought to you by my favourite neighbours. Thank you for supporting my site, assholes.

Today's post was actually going to be about something totally different, maybe about how it sure feels like spring around here, which is like a month early. I even saw a few flies outside the other day, which made me do a triple take while driving around town, and I almost drove into the postman who was probably in the middle of the road, so it wasn't even my fault. Whatever.

So, back to my scintillating post of today.

But before I do, I just wanted to apologize in advance for YET ANOTHER FREAKING POST ABOUT THE NEIGHBOURS. I clearly cannot help it. It's beyond my control. It's become an addiction of sorts, I'm starting to think. I might have to get help. And here is where Mr. Handsome would say, "Might?"

So, like I think I was saying, the neighbours. Here I was, minding my own business (because that's what I do), and I happened to look out the window JUST AS I SAW Mrs. Snooty McSnooterpants put a garbage bag beside our existing pile of garbage bags, and then SHE LOOKED SNOOTILY across into our driveway, MADE A SNOOTY FACE, and then walked back to her house. I immediately rose from my oh-so-comfy position on the couch (which, of course, was her first mistake in all these shenanigans), and as I neared our window, I realized IT WASN'T "HER" after all, but "HER" MOTHER!! Holy crap! Obviously a genetic malformation had taken place in that family. But, for the purposes of this post, and for the purposes of my anger, let's just say "her" and "her mother" are one and the same, because they are. I mean, they have the same haircuts, and they both have vaginas.

Meanwhile, Gryphon got up from his second morning nap of the day, and proceeded to do his Downward Dog yoga position stretch right next to me, which caused a large and malodorous 10-second fart to escape from his nethers. Awesome.

Then, I noticed (and please, notice my wily detective skills that I am quickly developing, all in an effort to ultimately learn more about the new neighbours who bought their house) that they actually don't have garbage bags out, but garbage cans. Which then made me wonder why they were disposing of a bag of garbage on our lawn? I then decided that, either (1) they had a bag of garbage that they didn't want to put with their cans of garbage, and, seeing our bags out in full sight, decided their bag would feel more at home there, or (2) they had taken our bag from one side of our laneway, and had deposited it to the other side of the laneway.

Either way, I was not pleased.

I immediately put a call in to Mr. Handsome, because I know he sometimes throws a garbage bag out at the last minute before he heads off to work, and I wanted to make sure that he indeed had done this before I went accusing the assholes neighbours of doing yet another un-neighbourly thing. Of course, Mr. Handsome was screening his calls, and ignoring me. As usual.

Before I go on, I wanted to clarify that we own the land on both sides of our driveway. On one side, we have our lawn, trees, bushes, and the odd piece of dog crap. On the other side, we have a slash of land, including two amazing pine trees, that actually looks like it's part of the neighbour's lawn, but is actually part of our property. Confusing? Yes.

And sometimes, Mr. Handsome throws a garbage bag on THAT side of the property. I don't know why, and I've given up trying to figure Mr. Handsome out. We've been together now over 20 years, and now I know for sure that he is not a team player.

A succinct and accurate photo of our driveway, replete with explanation. Please click to enlarge. And you're welcome for me putting in the time and effort into learning a new program to be able to draw on my photo. And also, I used my daughter to go across the street and take this picture, lest the neighbours were watching. Thank you, Em, for risking your life for me. You're the best. Oh, and also? That car? It's not our "real" car. So don't judge me.

Mr. Handsome finally decided to call me back.
Me: Did you put a garbage bag out this morning on the other side of the laneway?
Mr. Handsome: What do you mean?
Me: What do you mean, what do I mean? I mean what I said. What didn't you understand?
MH: What garbage bag? What other side?
Me: The OTHER side, as in, the side not normally used for setting down garbage bags. As in, the neighbour's side.
MH: Oh.
Me: Well?
MH: I don't think I did.

So, from this conversation I gathered that either Mr. Handsome had put the bag there unconsciously, since that is usually his state of being, or he hadn't. Very useful.

So, now I'm as confused as I was before, if not more so. If this garbage bag Mrs. McSnotpants dropped on our lawn was indeed hers, then why would they not have put it in their half empty garbage can instead of carrying it all the way to our lawn? The only reason I can come up with is that perhaps the bag was filled with all the odd garbage pieces Mrs. McSnottypants had picked off our lawn in the past year, and she was now returning it? Did she perhaps confuse things, and think that our driveway was actually hers? Did she possibly have a brain fart and believe we actually welcome bags of someone else's garbage to comingle with our own? Is their lawn too tidy to hold a bag of their garbage? Quite probably all of the above.

I'm going to give this a bit more thought, and get back to you. Or not. But either way, I'm angry. I might even write them a note and thank them. And maybe attach a nice baggy of dog crap to it. Or a bomb.

Next on the list: ways to really screw with their brains in an effort to make their last couple of months here the worst of their freaking lives. Oh, it's gonna be a busy spring!


GregoryJ said…
Oh, Mary, don't take this badly.
but, Get a Life.
I'm sure you don't really want to sink to the level of being a 'garbage watcher'
And, involving your daughter.....Well, let's just not go there. Nice, though that she cooperated.
Just go next door, kick ass and take names and be done with it.
And let us know the results.
Jessica said…
I take it they are leaving?
LOL, your post is awesome! Can't wait to read more. My neighbors are similar, only it always involves their 500 dogs.
Mary, I think I need to get a life also as someone in our block of appartments keep putting their garbage in My bin also there is someone who is paid to upkeep the hallways and stairs and it hasn't been done in 7 months. I think you're account of your neighbour is outstandingly amusing,I am taking lessons of of you in detecting so please tell us the outcome.
Have a lovely week-end.
I enlarged the photo so that I could see what your neighbors and prespective neighbors see out their windows, and who should be looking back at me, as if asking me what the hell I was looking at, but Griphon, looking out the window!

As for the trash bag, I would have gone out and opened it to see what was in it. If it was your stuff, you would know that she was returning a wayward bag that she ASSUMED was yours (really, it could have fallen out of someone else's truck going down the street), and, if it was theirs, I would have gone thru it to see what kind of stuff they throw away...and then walk over and put the bag by their cans. And if it was someone else's, I would still put it by their can just for the hell of it, so that they'd know that you were on to them.
ReformingGeek said…
That is too funny. I was laughing out loud reading this.

Yeah, I think I would have walked it back over and put it in their can!

The snooty looks are just too much.

Since it was the mom, maybe she really didn't know to put it in the can and she thought that's where the bags were supposed to go.


I hope whoever moves in next doesn't walk around with their head up the asses.
bernthis said…
YOou remind me of me. They call me Alice Kravitz over in these parts. God help us if we ever end up being roommates.
Keely said…
I love crazy neighbour posts. But OTHER people's neighbours, not mine. Because when I post crazy neighbour posts, well, it means I had to deal with my crazy neighbours and I HATE that.
Fragrant Liar said…
Yikes! I would hate having "trashy" neighbors . . . ;-)
Miz Dinah said…
Ohheeheeheehee...your life is awesome. The nerve of some people, eh?
Aunt Juicebox said…
My neighbors drive m up a wall, so I can totally appreciate this. I think I'd start putting ALL my trash on the pine tree side of the drive way from now on (or til they move anyway).
Lanned said…
I think you should start putting your garbage on your patch of land on the other side of the driveway...just in case they think they can claim it by squatters rights...

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