I am so thankful that I am unemployed at the moment.
Otherwise, I would never know who it is that keeps coming on to our property to pick up little pieces of garbage, or the odd dog poop we haven't yet scooped up because HELLO! the dog only barely made it back into the house!!!
Yes, that deserved THREE exclamation marks.
I was sitting in the living room yesterday, enjoying my morning coffee and MINDING MY OWN BUSINESS, when I happened to look up from my MAD magazine and what to my wondering eyes should appear but Mrs. Arsehole from next door (aka our neighbours to the right), and she's ON OUR LAWN picking up the remnants of a bag of garbage that the garbage men had left behind because that's how they roll.
Why does this peeve me, you ask? I'll tell you why this peeves me. It peeves me because it's got to be one of the most passive-aggressive things a person could do to another person, and also a really great way to make a not-always-the-most-secure-person-on-the-block (that would be me) feel like a total douchebag with a capital D.
Because really? I knew the garbage was out there, and I fully intended on going out there and picking it up. I don't need the neighbour-who-just-gave-birth-less-than-a-week-ago coming over and cleaning up after me. Thanks. And by the way, don't walk on my lawn. Yeah, you.
Oh, would you like an apology? Okay. OH, I'M SO SORRY I didn't run right out and pick up all that CRAP lying on a very small portion of MY lawn this morning, Precious. I would have, because I know how much it bothers you to peek out any one of your many windows and see anything out of place ON MY PROPERTY, and I normally would be out there on my hands and knees before dawn JUST FOR YOU, but I was too busy making sure my children had some breakfast, brushed their teeth, and got off to school. And oh yeah, I was also busy PICKING MY NOSE and wiping it on the couch JUST FOR YOU.
Her cleaning up our little mess (which wasn't really even much of anything, if you compare it to some of our neighbours) is tantamount to screaming "YOU'RE A PIG AND I HATE YOU!" to my face. And that is so totally unnecessary, given that we keep our house pretty clean. We don't leave garbage lying around all over the place (much), we pick up our dog poop, and we mow our lawn. Granted, we don't do it when Mrs. Arsehole believes it should be done (aka NOW!), but I'm pretty sure that's no one's business but our own. Last time I looked at our property tax bill, Ms. Arsehole's name was nowhere on there. We are apparently a little more laidback than Precious is. And I also don't like feeling like our every move is being watched, which it obviously is.
This all started a year or so ago, when Gryphon laid a nice plump poop in the middle of our laneway, and she came over all haughty-like and supercilious and told us in no uncertain terms that the poop made her feel really sick whenever she looked out her kitchen window and saw it. Well, we hadn't even had the chance to run out there and clean it up before she had marched herself over. Who the hell voted her Po Po of the Neighbourhood? Not me. And here she was accusing us of causing her physical harm, for god's sake.
So, to be a good neighbour (excuse me while I puke), we became much more vigilant about scooping Gryphon's poops as soon as he had heartily pushed one out. But really, you guys, a little meadow muffin never killed anyone, right? I mean, really. So it sits there for a few minutes. Spare me the pain.
The Hate began back then, but now, she's gone too far. I don't want her coming over and making it look like we don't care. Because we do. We're just not hyper-vigilant like she is. And we have what's called A LIFE. A busy life, and one that does not always begin with the question, 'Is there anything at all out of order in or around the vicinity of our house, because god forbid if there's one freaking leaf on our lawn, which we also have to mow to make sure it's short enough for Mrs. Arsehole?', or 'Honey, I think we should re-landscape our yard annually to keep up with the neighbours. What do you think?' or how about 'Jeez, I'd better sweep the street just one more time before I head over to the hospital for my son's cardiac appointment.'
So, to Mrs. Arsehole, if you're reading this, we'll pick up our own garbage, thanks very much. But, thank you for the help. If you'd like, I'll leave the door unlocked next time, and a mop and pail, and you are more than welcome to come in and mop our floors while I eat Cheetos and watch Dog The Bounty Hunter. Have a good day.
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