Unemployment Has Its Perks, And Our Neighbour Has No Life

I am so thankful that I am unemployed at the moment.

Otherwise, I would never know who it is that keeps coming on to our property to pick up little pieces of garbage, or the odd dog poop we haven't yet scooped up because HELLO! the dog only barely made it back into the house!!!

Yes, that deserved THREE exclamation marks.

I was sitting in the living room yesterday, enjoying my morning coffee and MINDING MY OWN BUSINESS, when I happened to look up from my MAD magazine and what to my wondering eyes should appear but Mrs. Arsehole from next door (aka our neighbours to the right), and she's ON OUR LAWN picking up the remnants of a bag of garbage that the garbage men had left behind because that's how they roll.

Why does this peeve me, you ask? I'll tell you why this peeves me. It peeves me because it's got to be one of the most passive-aggressive things a person could do to another person, and also a really great way to make a not-always-the-most-secure-person-on-the-block (that would be me) feel like a total douchebag with a capital D.

Because really? I knew the garbage was out there, and I fully intended on going out there and picking it up. I don't need the neighbour-who-just-gave-birth-less-than-a-week-ago coming over and cleaning up after me. Thanks. And by the way, don't walk on my lawn. Yeah, you.

Oh, would you like an apology? Okay. OH, I'M SO SORRY I didn't run right out and pick up all that CRAP lying on a very small portion of MY lawn this morning, Precious. I would have, because I know how much it bothers you to peek out any one of your many windows and see anything out of place ON MY PROPERTY, and I normally would be out there on my hands and knees before dawn JUST FOR YOU, but I was too busy making sure my children had some breakfast, brushed their teeth, and got off to school. And oh yeah, I was also busy PICKING MY NOSE and wiping it on the couch JUST FOR YOU.

Her cleaning up our little mess (which wasn't really even much of anything, if you compare it to some of our neighbours) is tantamount to screaming "YOU'RE A PIG AND I HATE YOU!" to my face. And that is so totally unnecessary, given that we keep our house pretty clean. We don't leave garbage lying around all over the place (much), we pick up our dog poop, and we mow our lawn. Granted, we don't do it when Mrs. Arsehole believes it should be done (aka NOW!), but I'm pretty sure that's no one's business but our own. Last time I looked at our property tax bill, Ms. Arsehole's name was nowhere on there. We are apparently a little more laidback than Precious is. And I also don't like feeling like our every move is being watched, which it obviously is.

This all started a year or so ago, when Gryphon laid a nice plump poop in the middle of our laneway, and she came over all haughty-like and supercilious and told us in no uncertain terms that the poop made her feel really sick whenever she looked out her kitchen window and saw it. Well, we hadn't even had the chance to run out there and clean it up before she had marched herself over. Who the hell voted her Po Po of the Neighbourhood? Not me. And here she was accusing us of causing her physical harm, for god's sake.

So, to be a good neighbour (excuse me while I puke), we became much more vigilant about scooping Gryphon's poops as soon as he had heartily pushed one out. But really, you guys, a little meadow muffin never killed anyone, right? I mean, really. So it sits there for a few minutes. Spare me the pain.

The Hate began back then, but now, she's gone too far. I don't want her coming over and making it look like we don't care. Because we do. We're just not hyper-vigilant like she is. And we have what's called A LIFE. A busy life, and one that does not always begin with the question, 'Is there anything at all out of order in or around the vicinity of our house, because god forbid if there's one freaking leaf on our lawn, which we also have to mow to make sure it's short enough for Mrs. Arsehole?', or 'Honey, I think we should re-landscape our yard annually to keep up with the neighbours. What do you think?' or how about 'Jeez, I'd better sweep the street just one more time before I head over to the hospital for my son's cardiac appointment.'

So, to Mrs. Arsehole, if you're reading this, we'll pick up our own garbage, thanks very much. But, thank you for the help. If you'd like, I'll leave the door unlocked next time, and a mop and pail, and you are more than welcome to come in and mop our floors while I eat Cheetos and watch Dog The Bounty Hunter. Have a good day.


Do you feel better now? Whew! That was lot of anger and frustration! And what a shame that these days we don't tell the neighbor what we're thinking, in case they're the unhinged type who will pull a gun out of their apron. Right? Or is it just that we don't like confrontation in general and don't want to be rude? My concern is always that they'll do something psycho like poison my dogs.

I know you clothed your anger in humor, but seriously, you need to tell Mrs. Arsehole to get a life - her own - and leave yours alone. Next thing you know, she'll be laying out clothese for your kids to wear to school because she doesn't like your taste.
ReformingGeek said…
Oh my, she must be one crazy broad.

I think you should "accidentally" drop some garbage on your front lawn, go inside, and watch for her to come out. When she does, rush out and thank her profusely, telling her you are so grateful for her help. Keep it up everyday. Maybe she will eventually get a clue. Hehe

Or, walk over to her front lawn and get down on your hands and knees. When she comes out, tell her that you were pulling her weeds because you really just don't like to see weeds in other people's lawns.
Michele Renee said…
Just discovered your blog from Em at Life, Liberty and the Pursuit. Also commented on your hilarious bike seat post.
I cracked up over this post. Your neighbor's antics would piss me off too. Almost as much as if her dog went poo-poo on your lawn. Definitely passive-aggressive. Knowing no boundaries. A social misfit. Reminded me of our crazy neighbors who the minute a rain storm passes, is outside picking up twigs and throwing the ones near our lawn ONTO our lawn. My hubs yelled at her to quit.
Anyway, don't know too much of your story yet, but see that you're unemployed. Has happened to me several times. And guess what? Always seems to happen when you get back from a vacation. Employers and HR think they can talk about you and plan your demise when you are on vacay. Doesn't make future vacays very relaxing.
Looking forward to reading more!
Shana said…
I am sorry, but you are FREAKIN' HILARIOUS!!!!
Steph said…
In your shoes, I'd just let her do it. If it bugs her enough for her to haul ass out of her house to deal with it, that's her issue.

You already know you're not the dipshit in this situation, so let it roll. Plus? FREE YARD PICKUP! WOO!

Clearly, I have no conscience at all. Okay, that's not true. I'm just one of those people who couldn't care less what the neighbors think. :grin:
franzi said…
oh, and i thought i had "interesting" neighbors.

take up ReformingGeek's advice and go out there and drop some garbage and watch her come out to pick it up BUT don't react.
once she's back inside, drop something else and wait for her to show up again. i think that's way more fun :-)

Jane! said…
I gotta go with Steph on this one. People pay lots of money to have their poop and garbage picked up.

She probably needed the excuse to get out of the house, anyway.

I'm probably a little defensive because I think your neighbor and I share a crazy. It takes all my inner control and prescription meds NOT to weed my neighbor's side yard. ♠♠

Still, I say enjoy.
Scribe said…
That's totally passive-aggresssive. Go and buy a bullhorn and the next time she sets foot on your lawn, hit the panic button and she'll think the Po Po are on their way.
I can see where you're coming from but I'd also be thrilled that she's saving you from having to pick it up yourself.

Maybe she'll start her own neighborhood poop program.
Muskrat Sam said…
DOnt be so darn lazy and clean up your yard. What are you a muskrat?
Deb said…
Take it one step further than Reforming Geek - yes, put some garbage out there, but be very select as to what garbage it is. Bathroom trash,old onion peels, a baggie filled with some dog puke in it, etc.

I lived in a neighborhood with Cat Woman. Odd little snoopy thing, had a crew cut, owned a cat that was her life (I hate cats), and told me our builders were "rapers of the land" when they cut the trees down. Well, we left enough trees that the house could not be seen well from the street. There was a gap between the trees that allowed her to see part of our house. I made sure that every tacky holiday decoration I could find, be it Halloween, Christmas, etc. was in that gap. I would hang my laundry in the windows facing her house, bras draped over the curtain hooks. Anything to piss her off made me ecstatic. She used to ride her little bike with the basket on the handle bars through the neighborhood and we used to break out in that music from the Wizard of Oz that played when Elvira Gulch rode her bike with Toto kidnapped in her basket. Sometimes people just suck.
♥Trina♥ said…
OH PLEASE SEND HER TO ALABAMA!!! Our neighbors have THE most God-awful mess in their yard! They rent (not that all renters are bad because I know they aren't) but these people obviously do not care that the OTHER people in our neighborhood actually do have nice, neat lawns. Sure, there will be the occasional piece of paper or trash in a yard, and none of the yards would be on the front cover of BH&G, but we take pride in our yards. The man does something in home repairs, and all of the junk that comes from the houses we works on ends up in their yard. It is HORRIBLE!! I would gladly have Mrs. Arsehole for a week or so. Maybe she'd make them move. LOL

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