Advice Needed, Apply Within

You know spring must be upon us when ...

the goddammed neighbour across the street empties his garage and vacuums out both his vehicles, taking all day to do said tasks.

And so starts his spring/summer/fall ritual in our suddenly-too-small neighbourhood.

Lest you think that all I seem to do is complain about the neighbours, you'd be absolutely right. Not really, but I guess, recently I am, so yes, I am. But, I'm pretty damn sure you would too if you had Mr. Clean McCleantwit out there every damn Saturday AND Sunday (the freaking Day of Rest, people!).

I suppose I'll give him this much: his daily vacuuming and cleaning regimen is a wonderful reminder of the gorgeous weather, and for that, I am thankful. So, thanks Mr. Cleantwit. Now, please go back inside and have a nap, until October.

Onward.

I've just decided to make this yet another post about neighbours, because I know you like it.

So, I found out that our other neighbours, the ones who are moving, will be outta here by June 1. I think I can handle that. It also gives me enough time to throw a few dog craps over the fence and into their yard between now and then, so it's all good.

Now I'm worried about who will be moving in. I mean, it could be anyone, which will not work. Because, OBVIOUSLY, said neighbour must:
  1. not mind garbage strewn on their neighbours' lawns
  2. not mind brown Christmas trees on their neighbours' property, in July
  3. not be nosy
  4. not mind a garbage can of dog crap staring them in the face everytime they look out their kitchen window
  5. not mind me dancing naked and roasting pig suckling in my front yard every solstice
  6. mind their own business (please also see #3)
  7. not be female, single and blonde or red-haired (I'm only thinking of Mr. Handsome's well-being here)
  8. be male, single and look like (a) Patrick Dempsey, (b) Johnny Depp in Chocolat, or (c) all of the above (MY well-being)
  9. love Air Supply being played full blast during the summer months, at which time all our windows are wide open
  10. invite us over for beers and barbecue lamb and not ignore us, instead inviting OTHER neighbours over for beers and lamb
  11. not give a second thought to our not having window coverings in our bathroom
  12. not have a problem with the fact that I will most probably find something wrong with them, regardless
That about covers it. As you can see, I'm quite easy to get along with. And lovable.

 So, my question to all of you is, how would I go about finding out who my new neighbours will be? Remember, the first obstacle is obviously having to actually look at and speak to the present neighbour. I know I can do that. I just need some preparation and time to breathe through it, not unlike a contraction. The real problem, I believe, will be trying to pry the information out of her squinchy little prissy mouth.

Any advice would be greatly appreciated. Thanking you in advance.

Comments

ReformingGeek said…
Hubby likes red-heads, too. Sheesh!

I guess you could play nice and tell the neighbors that you want to extend a welcome to the new folks....

As for your neighbor and his vacuuming fetish, maybe he has a vacuum between his ears.
blueviolet said…
The only way I could see is to ask the moving people. But, I wouldn't. Cuz I'd be scared!
If I lived your side of the ocean I would love to be your neighbour you sound like fun. I would meet all the crieteria you mentioned except that I am female brown hair over 60 and past "it".
I found your blog highly amusing
it made my day, thanks.

Yvonne.
pam said…
My biggest pain in he ass neighbours (who I now like because their kids are grown) are getting their house ready to sell. Scary indeed...you just never know who will show up to move it. Good luck!
Finola said…
I find my neighbourhood feels too small around this time of year too. Feels like a circus out there sometimes. Sigh.
Southern Sage said…
Drive y'alls cars over the vacuum doods house!!!

Glad to see you are looking out for Hubs!
MarieA said…
Mary, as a librarian I will tell you what to do. It's the same thing I did when my former spousal unit bought a house and I wanted details.
once you know the house has sold and the deed has been changed... usually just before the move date do the following.
Ensure you have your credit card with you.
Go to City Hall downtown to the Land Titles Building Go to where you can get the deed to the house - it's all public
Ask for the land registration for the address of the house.
It will give you the name of the new owner, what they paid for the house and I THINK the birth dates of the owner.
THEN you can google away and see what you can find out about them.

Okay... do I win? I think this is worth a beer or three?
Fragrant Liar said…
That's the problem with neighborhoods. You get one chance to pick your neighbors, and that's on conducting an investigation before you move in. After that, you can't pick your neighbors! Be on your best behavior, cuz now the potential neighbors are going to be investigating you! ;-)
Stesha said…
Are your neighbors my neighbors? My neighbors get on my last good nerve!

Anyway, I love Johnny Depp. I think it should be a law that all neighbors have to resemble Johnny.

Hugs and Mocha,
Stesha
WarsawMommy said…
Wow, MarieA! I think you have all the makings of a spy. Or a stalker. Which is better??

JOKING! Actually, I am astounded that so much info is so readily available to anyone with a credit card and a clue. Name? Birth date? Amount paid? All as a matter of public record? Wow.

Honey, as far as I am concerned, Mary owes you a few rounds of beer. And sneak a Margarita or two in there as well.
JennyMac said…
HAHA...this cracked me up. If you figure it out, share with us. We just had new neighbors move in and cant get a read on them. lol.
blunt delivery said…
ummm okay. two things: 1. we have the exact same taste in men. clearly, we'll have to decide who gets who if we are presented with said opportunity. i mean, hoes before bros right.

secondly, i have to admit i cleaned my car out last saturday. i mean, it was the first nice day months. and the amount of spilled coffee on my car floor was alarming. you would have been pissed.
I'd definitely suggest a title search, but that would only work if the house was sold. In California, you can do that at the tax assessors office. Other than that > I'd suggest contacting whomever the realtor was that sold them the house. Or rented it.

Or, you could ask. Nicely. Maybe while toting a plate of cookies as a farewell gift. Although, it sounds like you've got a rather volatile relationship, so perhaps a nice box of packaging tape and bubble wrap would be more appropriate?
Em said…
i like number eight. I wouldn't mind that much, you know. Or a slightly younger version of Johnny Depp in Chocolat. For MY well being, mom (:

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