Advice Needed, Apply Within
You know spring must be upon us when ...
the goddammed neighbour across the street empties his garage and vacuums out both his vehicles, taking all day to do said tasks.
And so starts his spring/summer/fall ritual in our suddenly-too-small neighbourhood.
Lest you think that all I seem to do is complain about the neighbours, you'd be absolutely right. Not really, but I guess, recently I am, so yes, I am. But, I'm pretty damn sure you would too if you had Mr. Clean McCleantwit out there every damn Saturday AND Sunday (the freaking Day of Rest, people!).
I suppose I'll give him this much: his daily vacuuming and cleaning regimen is a wonderful reminder of the gorgeous weather, and for that, I am thankful. So, thanks Mr. Cleantwit. Now, please go back inside and have a nap, until October.
I've just decided to make this yet another post about neighbours, because I know you like it.
So, I found out that our other neighbours, the ones who are moving, will be outta here by June 1. I think I can handle that. It also gives me enough time to throw a few dog craps over the fence and into their yard between now and then, so it's all good.
Now I'm worried about who will be moving in. I mean, it could be anyone, which will not work. Because, OBVIOUSLY, said neighbour must:
- not mind garbage strewn on their neighbours' lawns
- not mind brown Christmas trees on their neighbours' property, in July
- not be nosy
- not mind a garbage can of dog crap staring them in the face everytime they look out their kitchen window
- not mind me dancing naked and roasting pig suckling in my front yard every solstice
- mind their own business (please also see #3)
- not be female, single and blonde or red-haired (I'm only thinking of Mr. Handsome's well-being here)
- be male, single and look like (a) Patrick Dempsey, (b) Johnny Depp in Chocolat, or (c) all of the above (MY well-being)
- love Air Supply being played full blast during the summer months, at which time all our windows are wide open
- invite us over for beers and barbecue lamb and not ignore us, instead inviting OTHER neighbours over for beers and lamb
- not give a second thought to our not having window coverings in our bathroom
- not have a problem with the fact that I will most probably find something wrong with them, regardless
That about covers it. As you can see, I'm quite easy to get along with. And lovable.
So, my question to all of you is, how would I go about finding out who my new neighbours will be? Remember, the first obstacle is obviously having to actually look at and speak to the present neighbour. I know I can do that. I just need some preparation and time to breathe through it, not unlike a contraction. The real problem, I believe, will be trying to pry the information out of her squinchy little prissy mouth.
Any advice would be greatly appreciated. Thanking you in advance.