Friday, February 26, 2010

A Post About How I Kind Of Fail As A Mother, But Don't Worry, I'm Not Emo

So, I guess I had some people worried with my last post. Sorry. I guess I'm depressed.

BUT ... I'm feeling a tad better today, so today's post, albeit late, will be a happy, hilariously and joyously fun post that will have your ribs sore from all the laughter that will no doubt emanate from your gut. Oh yes.

The only problem is, I have Dee home with me today and he doesn't.stop.talking, which I really don't mind, and actually quite love, except when I'M TRYING TO WRITE A F**KING BLOG POST. Ahem. Sorry about that. Obviously, I am still harboring a little anger and resentment. Or whatever.

Okay, Dee's upstairs taking apart Mr. Handsome's computer, so I'm good to go.

Why is Dee home, you ask? Well, it goes something like this. Back in January, Dee brought home one of his millions of little pieces of paper from school for me to look at. Before I go any further, I'll be the first to admit that I'm not the best at keeping track of important pieces of paper. Hard to believe, I know. But it's true. I am really good at keeping dates to remember and crap like that in my head, though, so it all evens out in the end. Usually.

This little piece of paper actually had a time deadline on it, and was all about taking the kids at the school skiing for the day up in the mountains not far from home. It's an annual shindig Dee's school does, which is awesome and all cool and all that, and Dee said he really wanted to go, so Mr. Handsome and I discussed it for about five seconds minutes and decided that, yes, he could go, despite not having a nanosecond of experience with alpine skiing. What the hell. We're good parents that way. What's a little concussion or broken neck, I always say.

So, I kept the piece of paper (it was actually about 10 pieces of paper all stapled together neatly), and was  meaning to fill it out and have Dee bring it back to school, but I kind of forgot one detail. As it goes, it happened to be one of the most important details: the deadline to return the forms.

The other day, I look at the forms, and ask Dee if he's still interested in skiing, because hey! I still had the forms here, and what do you know? the ski day was coming upon us. Yes, Dee said, I really really want to go. So I filled everything out, gave it to him, and sent him on his merry way to school.

Dee came home that afternoon, handed the forms and the cheque back to me, saying, "The deadline was Feb. 9. I can't go."

Oh.My.God.

I felt like crying. The guilt from all mothers from around the world entered my soul at that point, and I crumbled into a little dust heap on the floor, never to raise my ugly head again with motherly pride. It was just awful.

And Dee came up to me and said, "It's okay, Mommy. Don't feel bad. It's really not that big a deal. Really. I don't really care."

But I know he did care. And I also know that one day, 20 years from now, he's going to bring this up at his therapist's appointment, and all fingers will point to this moment as the reason why he ended up a hobo in drag selling carnations from his stolen shopping cart.

Wow, that was an ultra-long and boring explanation as to why my son was home with me. Hmmm. The digression has actually turned into a post, which just blows me away, because I didn't think I was actually all that creative and handy like that.

So, Dee is home with me today, and he said he just wants to hang out around the house and chill. Just for that, I said, I'm making him shovel the driveway, clean my his room, make dinner, and curl my hair. That'll show him to trust his momma next time.

P.S. I wanted to thank everyone who called me, emailed me, and commented on my last post. I feel awful that I worried people. I'm really okay. I'm in a funk, was lower in the black hole than usual that day, and just had to vent, I guess. I'm actually feeling better today, the proverbial sun is out again (peeking over the clouds), and life is looking a little better again. Just having the reassurance that I have people around me makes all the difference. I feel awful that I worried everyone. I'll try not to do that again.

Depression is a funny thing, really. Because, although I  know in my heart that I am not alone, I still very much feel that way when I get very low. It's almost like I enter a world where everything is in total darkness, and the walls are solid, and nothing and no one can penetrate them, so that I not only feel all alone, but I AM alone. It's not a rational, logical thing. It's not even something I understand as I go through it. I have no control over it, and have to simply allow the feelings to overwhelm me, take control, and overtake my every breath, until it slowly starts to subside again and allow me to once again take my breaths freely and willingly, permitting me to open my eyes once again and see through what were once solid walls and is now just a thick haze, to once again see and feel my family and my friends, all holding hands around me, keeping me safe and loved.

Thank you all for caring.

P.P.S. I guess this post wasn't all that funny after all. Goddammit.

11 comments:

Wander to the Wayside said...

Well, actually, you really should NOT stop writing about being depressed when you are, because it was probably writing about it and all the concern it generated that helped keep you from going under completely. Doncha think?

There's not a mother on this planet who hasn't screwed up like this in one way or another, and how sweet of him to let you off the hook. I'm sure you'll be extra cautious about stuff like this from now on. Doncha think?

♥Georgie♥ said...

your P.P.S. had me LMAO!!!!

I love that when i read your blog I always feel like I am not alone...in this big world of parenting and school forms

ReformingGeek said...

You are right about depression. It's no laughing matter. My dad suffered from it and my mom has been mildly depressed for years.

As for the skiing fiasco, I am going to defend you. Your kiddo will have to take a little heat. He should have been aware of the deadline and followed up with you. I'm sure the teachers reminded the kids about the forms. After all, it was his trip, not yours.

My two cents.

Keep on keeping on!

WELCOME TO MY WORLD OF POETRY: said...

The good thing about blogging is we can write what we like and how we feel and there is always someone who feels exactly the same.
It gets it out of your system which is good. We all forget something as mothers/fathers life goes along at such a speed we can't remember every single school trip or whatever,
I admire you Mary, you have had much to cope with in your life and I always sense a hint of fun in there. Keep on writing I for one enjoy your blogs.

Have a good week-end.
Yvonne.

Anything Fits a Naked Man said...

I like what the last commenter said, there's always some one who either feels the same way, or has gone through the exact same thing at some point! Hang in there, Girl!

Did Dee curl your hair nice?

WarsawMommy said...

So sorry I missed that last post: things have been a bit out of control here lately, and my free time shrank to zilch... no chance to check in.

I am very relieved, though, to read it AFTER reading first that you are OK. If I'd read it cold, I'd have been worried too. But having said that, depression is what depression is, and you should never NEVER apologise for or be ashamed of or ignore it. I am with Wander on this one: keep writing, if you feel the need, and we'll keep sharing our concern and our support. Well, those of us who get here in time will ;)

Sue said...

Don't beat yourself up:
1. My daughter came home for three days from university. I hadn't seen her since Christmas and before that Thanksgiving. By the third day I felt OK, it's time. I want my space back. I felt like a terrible mother but I think my daughter felt the same way.
2. As an educator, the previous comment is right on. It was your son's trip. If he really wanted to go it was his responsibility to remind you. I promise you the teacher was reminding the class on a daily basis. You were a great mother by accepting the consequence of missing the deadline and not creating a scene at the school to try to make them your son go. Missing the trip is a natural consequence which is a great lesson for your son....good mothering!!
3. Hang in there....you are NOT alone...this whole motherhood thing is not like we see on TV. It is OK (and natural) to not be perfect.
4. Love reading your blog!! :)

Jen said...

You and I must be mothers separated at birth. I have forgotten the permission slip once, with both kids. I have never felt worse. Now the teachers know to call and reminded me personally. They know notes in the backpack are not a way to contact me. I've taught them well.
I'm glad you are feeling better. The sun always brings me out of my funks.

bernthis said...

I hear you and I get you, completely. I suffer from depression and anxiety. I've done very well dealing with it over the years but I have those days as well. Frankly, I did think this post was funny. Honest and pure as well and I love that.

Gaston Studio said...

Yep, depression is no laughing matter but glad to hear you're feeling better... and I, too, think you should let it all hang out whenever you feel like it because writing about it does make it better.

We've all done something similar, don't beat yourself up about it!

coffeewithjulie said...

Glad the day is treating you better. It never ceases to amaze me how different one day can be from the next. On the really bad ones, I go to bed at 8pm after I get the kids into bed in a desperate attempt to get the day over with.


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