When good turns bad

Do you ever surprise yourself with your reaction to something, as if your reaction is actually someone else's, and you're just a bystander? And then you make sure you took your Xanax this morning, and then you discover you actually don't even have a prescription for Xanax, which makes you cower under the covers in fear for the rest of the day.

Well, that's the way I've been feeling the past few days, after finally getting a call from the doctors in Toronto that I went to see back in April about my arthritis in hopes of getting a more definite diagnosis and treatment plan.

I finally got some pretty definite answers, and it's put me in a funk, which I suppose isn't surprising since I am almost always in one funk or another, and if I'm not, I'm in the midst of planning one.

Have you ever planned a funk? It's actually kind of fun. More fun than the actual funk itself, once it arrives. Sort of like the family trip, but without the accompanying tours and attractions.

Anyway, the doctors told me that they are pretty sure, based on all the tests and stuff, that I have severe degenerative osteoarthritis, and NOT some type of rheumatoid arthritis, which is what they initially believed based on my symptoms and scale of whining.

Now, having osteoarthritis is actually a good thing, when your other option is having rheumatoid arthritis or some other type of autoimmune disease, and this I fully realize. And there is definitely a part of me that is very thankful. Because it means I don't have the "really bad kind" of arthritis that sucks the life out of you and turns you into a feeble little person with inflamed joints and about eleventy hundred medications. However, what it does mean is that I have the kind of arthritis that many people have as they get older, but mine is as bad as it is for a regular 90-year-old, but I'm only in my 40s. Not only that, but as the doctor said to me, with the rheumatoid arthritis, they have a billion options in terms of medications with which to help with the symptoms. With osteoarthritis, not so much.

Which is to say that I'm screwed. Again. And hence, the funk.

I'm not able to take most of the anti-inflammatories the medical people usually prescribe for the pain for osteoarthritis because of sensitivities, asthma, etc. So, I'm stuck chewing on codeine, Tylenols and more codeine to get through the days and nights. Meanwhile, my joints continue to hurt, swell and degenerate.

And I am at the place now where I'm pretty sure I have no option left but to accept this fact, and deal with it as best I can.

I guess I'm kind of tired of it all. And sick of not feeling well most of the time. And I want so much to do something, make something of myself, and it feels like everytime I try, a million things come crashing down around me and stop me in my tracks.

My health has been an issue most of my life, so you'd think I'd be used to this by now. But no. I'm just frustrated, and sad, and want to be someone else.