I didn't know we had a tornado come through here, aka we are pigs and we don't deny it

I have no idea where to even start, and have no idea where it's going to end! Which, I suppose, is the fun of it all, but it still gives me the heeby jeebies, and ends with my house looking like a disaster zone x 32,400.

So, I have so far this week managed to get my ambulance driver's license despite having knocked the side mirror into a sign, driven with the hood unhitched, and driven over the speed limit (a story for yet another day!) and written my biology exam (with a raging migraine, I might add). At the same time, I've also succeeded at succumbing to some kind of nasty something that is invading my bladder and turning it inside out and upside down, while stabbing it repeatedly with rusty nails. What I'm trying to say is, I think I have a bladder infection, but I haven't had time to go to the lab to leave a pee sample, and so instead, I sit on the toilet about 11,000 times a day, writhing in pain as my urethra spasms unendingly, and I pretend I'm anywhere else.

And then, I look up from my books, and I notice that there are dried up puddles of dog puke in a few hidden places on the living room carpet. And oh look! right here behind that pillow, an intestine-shaped, furry vomit that looks more like a dead rat than anything that could have possibly come out of my dog. But it did, which makes me cringe just that much more. I'd post a picture of it, but I love you all too much.

My kids are coming home from camp this afternoon, the house is a total pig sty, I'm totally embarrassed about it, but can do nothing. Mr. Handsome said he'd clean up the kitchen, but he's been crazy busy with work as well, so let's just say that we are pigs, and we can't wait for the kids to come home so they can clean this place up. And that is why we had children in the first place: to have slaves to take care of us. Obviously, because we cannot manage our household on our own, which probably means we are not actually adults, but more akin to irresponsible multi-cellular animals without opposable thumbs, because how else could our home get to this state?! I don't know.

So, yes, I've so far finished my biology course and have gotten my ambulance driver's license, all in preparation for paramedic school in September. All I have left now is a chemistry exam, and a first aid/CPR course. I am spending this entire weekend in the first aid course, and hopefully coming out of it certified. And then, I most probably have to travel to Toronto early next week to write the chemistry exam from hell because I need course results by the end of July (which is next week, apparently), and it doesn't look like I'll have time for the exam to arrive here, and for the local instructor to set up an exam time for me, have me write it, send it back to Toronto, and have it marked. Phew!

The exciting part about all this is that the kids are coming home!!! I have to admit I've missed them, more every day, and will be so happy to see their cute faces again, and to listen to all their stories about camp. And then, tomorrow they will start screaming at each other again, and I'll again wish there was a camp they could be at. I'm never happy, am I...

And just as exciting is the prospect that I am probably going to Toronto on a train!! I've never been on a train before (yes, I am a child), unless you include my recent train trip from Geneva to Venice, in which case, disregard that last sentence entirely. I get to sit in one of those berths, and spread my chemistry books out in front of me, and look all studious and stuff. And then I'll probably fall asleep, and end up somewhere up north on an oil rig.

Can I just say I can't wait for this month to be over?