My newest invention might one day save your life

I'm remembering to breathe, blink and swallow.

Only one more hurdle, and I'm done. Until September, when it all begins again.

A whirlwind of a week this past one was. I had ambulance driver training, the ambulance driving license test, my biology exam, studying for my chemistry exam (which is happening this week), and a full weekend of First Aid and CPR training. I can barely mouth the words, "Thank god that's over."

I was so tired Sunday morning, when I had to once again get up early to make it to my first aid/CPR class, that I decided not to shower. My "buddy" in the class (we were paired up) was going to love me. So, in a pre-emptive state of mind, I decided I should use some body spray throughout to ensure no strange and telling smells would waft. So I sprayed under my shirt, just enough to give the sense that I was as fresh as a wilting tulip. And then, before I knew what I was doing, I opened up the elasticized waist of my pants, and sprayed toward the crotchal area. Because. You. Just. Never. Know.

Well, the day went fine, I passed my course, and no wafts were wafted (as far as I know). I kept an eye on my "buddy" the whole day, ensuring that she didn't detect any untoward smells that might give me away. She seemed oblivious, although when I was saying good-bye to her at the end of the day, she wouldn't look at me. She was probably just jealous that I could make a more awesome ring pad than she could.**

I came home and, after relaxing for a bit, started studying for my chemistry exam (which I have this week). And then, suddenly, the yogurt, fruit and granola I had had for breakfast that morning made its way through my small and large intestine, and was well on its way to the holding chamber in my colon. A burst of air then spewed forth from my nethers, ballooning my elasticized-waisted pants as it made its way out to freedom. And suddenly, I noticed the fragrance: a mix of lilies, roses and petunias. It took me a few seconds to understand from whence this fragrance came, but once I did, I felt almost like I had just discovered the atom.

Because guys, this is awesome! My farts smelled like flowers! I swear to god! They were actually pleasant little plippets of floaty air instead of putrid pods of phew. I actually began looking forward to the next volley because I could then imagine I was walking through a blooming garden instead of sitting at the table, studying chemical equations that I will never understand and never ever need. My farts were flowery and pleasant, and I was on to something big.

This might be the next big business venture in my life. In fact, just for you, I'm going to do a little experiment, using The Husband (because we all know where the problem really lies), and see what I can come up with. You're welcome. Of course, it's going to have to wait until after my chemistry exam.

** A ring pad is a ring-shaped pad made of bandage material used for certain injuries. And I was more than awesome in the creation of my ring pads, whereas my "buddy" was not. In fact, she couldn't even rip open the plastic package in order to take out her bandage. Yeah.


Claire said…
Darling, when you patent the thing, do call it "ass-pirations"...
You do make me laugh with what you come out and write,
Loved the read from start to finish.
Good luck with the exam.

Trina said…
Ass-pirations! That is a perfect name for them. Good job, Claire.
meleah rebeccah said…
Im happy to learn that you rule at making Ring Pads!

And hello, I need the name of that body spray you used in the morning because I would really LOVE it if my farts smelled that nice!
renata said…
Ass-pirations, brilliant! I'm still giggling!
MarieA said…
every woman sleeping with a man will want the invention. I personally wouldn't mind stsaking you. I'll give up cash from RRSPs to help in this little venture! bwa ha ha.

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