WTF me?

We had an international incident here the other night. It does not bode well for our country. Nay, our world. Well, at least for my well-being, and sometimes, guys, that's all that matters.

It was late evening. The kids were fast asleep. All was quiet.

I had taken out my contact lenses, washed my face, and was ready for bed. And then, I heard it: The unmistakable wailing sound of Mr. Handsome singing to Gryphon...at midnight.

So, of course I had to come downstairs. It was a rare "cute" moment for Mr. Handsome, and I wanted to experience it. It's often the only joy I get in our marriage.

Once it was over, I got up to go back upstairs to bed, but I noticed that one of our recycling boxes was still out on our front lawn. It is normally Dee's job to put the garbage and recycling out and back in every week, but he had forgotten. So, I decided to do the right thing for a change and bring the box in myself.

Being lazy and very stupid at the best of times, I decided that, instead of actually putting on my shoes, I would simply stick my feet into them in a haphazardly fashion, with my heels jutting out the backs. Sort of like flip flop wearing, without the flop.

Notice heel of my foot jutting out of shoe. First mistake.

You must remember that I was also not wearing my contact lenses, but instead, glasses that I normally only wear in bed to read.

Contact lenses.

Glasses. And now you know why I only wear glasses in the confines of my bed. Alone.

So, out I went into the dark, taking Gryphon with me for safety.

Everything was great until I hit the second step. Then, my ankles started wobbling in my shoes, and I tried to balance myself with my arms. Things settled down a bit, I gained a bit of my equilibrium again, and made it to the final step. That's when all hell broke loose, and the world collapsed upon itself, and the hell fires rose and engulfed my soul.

I knew I was in trouble when both of my feet rolled out from under me and I started falling to the ground uncontrollably. I ended up landing hard on my hands and knees in the driveway, and then rolled over on to my head. When I realized I was still alive, I noticed Gryphon was standing beside me, so I leaned on him to get back up. And that's when I noticed it.

I suddenly noticed that my shoes WERE STILL ON MY FEET. Which, of course, meant something. I'm still trying to figure out what. Probably just that my feet are too fat to have been able to just swiftly let the shoes fly through the air.

I finally made it back inside, barely, recycling box in hand. I kept my whimpering to a minimum because I am very stoic and have a reputation to uphold.

This is what my injuries look like, guys. Beware, it's gruesome.

I warned you. Please ignore the hairs, which may be even more gross than said ouchie.

I now not only have a very sore and bloody knee, and another knee that is black and blue, but I also have what can be termed "laptop disability", by the sheer fact that my usual posture of setting my laptop on my lap is now utterly impossible due to said injuries.

In other words, it all sucks.

And I'm sure the Al Qaeda had something to do with all of this. They're sneaky that way.