The strangest thing happened the other night.
Okay, okay, get your filthy minds outta the gutter.
I was asleep, having one of those weird dreams where nothing really makes sense, but in the dream, it all TOTALLY makes sense. Sort of like Alice in Wonderland. Or my marriage.
I don't remember most of the dream, but suffice it to say that it had to do with the house in which I grew up, lots of strange music playing, mazes of dark rooms, and my family. All in all, one of my better dreams. Believe me. It could have been the one where I get chased through dark, rainy streets by two men with knives and heavy Estonian accents, and I try calling 911, but my phone doesn't work, or else I actually can dial 911, but they put me on hold and the dispatcher then goes out and buys a submarine sandwich two blocks down the street before coming back and taking me off hold, at which point I have been properly bludgeoned and molested to death. And then mutant robot skeleton zombies take off my clothing and take turns putting on my bra and underwear and then laughing and pointing at each other, while rabid, feral malamutes come after me and rip apart my now naked body, and then quickly run away when they taste my blood and realize that it tastes like playdough.
I always wake up in a sweat when I have that dream.
Anyway, back to my other, not-as-bad dream. So, as I was saying, I was in the house, and suddenly I'm in the kitchen, and I look out the window, and it's dark out there, but I can see a few kids in the driveway and they are playing with fireworks. For some reason that I will never understand, I need to yell at them. It becomes this urgent need, like when you're dreaming that you are peeing your pants, and then you wake up, and it's not a dream?
So, I begin to scream at these kids as I scrape at the window with my nails, trying to open it so that they can hear me and then run off in absolute fear, but I can't open it, so I try screaming more loudly, but suddenly my mouth won't open.
And then I hear my husband say to me, "Would you shut up already?"
And I suddenly realize that I am awake, and that Mr. Handsome had actually said those words to me. Yes, he did. He told a sleeping person to shut up.
WTF, Mr. Handsome?
Like, it's not enough that he tells me this on a daily basis when my eyes are open and I am actually conscious.
Of course, I asked him why he had so rudely said that to me, and he replied, "You were making really weird noises and it had to stop."
And I'm like, when am I not making weird noises?
To which Mr. Handsome had no response.
Which is exactly how I like it.