I'm goin' downdowndown


I am going through a bit of a downward spiral these past few days. I've gone from feeling pretty damn good about myself and my achievements to feeling kind of like, "WTF EVER possessed me to even THINK I could be a goddammed paramedic?!!", except with many more swear words.

My emotions are all over the place, and although I kind of know this is just the way it is, it still sucks mightily.

I had a test pretty much every day last week, and I did pretty well in every one of them, except the last one, which was the only physical one. Of course. The one I knew would be the most challenging. At least my expectations are spot on. I had to do four lifts (as in, lifting actual people who have actual weight), and I had to do them using proper body mechanics (meaning, don't do anything stupid and hurt your back, stupid). I did two of them quite well, and two of them, not so much.

I get a second chance at the end of this week, but just the fact that I couldn't do what was expected of me has sent me into a downward spin so quick and unexpected that it scares me. Because, if this had happened to anyone else, I know what I would have said: "Get a life, hoser."

Actually, I would have probably put a "please" in there somewhere as well, because we Canadians are polite, eh.

So, I start this week with many self-doubts and worries, as well as time crunches because HOLY CRAP, EVERYTHING'S DUE AT THE SAME TIME AND I DON'T HAVE TIME TO DO EVEN HALF OF IT, AND I FEEL LIKE I'M GOING TO PROJECTILE PUKE, which some would say means I can obviously multi-task really well. Which is just a reminder to me to always look on the positive side.

If there's one thing that's obvious with this post, it's that I didn't get enough sleep this weekend.

Comments

Scribe said…
Please get a life, hoser... I too tend to beat myself up and then shower great advice and praise on everyone else. Now go get lifting and do it right!
September 27, 2010 at 11:20 AM
Mary@Holy Mackerel said…
You are so right, Scribe. Off I go...I think. :o)
September 27, 2010 at 11:41 AM
ReformingGeek said…
I'm with Scribe. I'm very good at beating myself up.

Ouch

**puts stick down**

Stick (haha) with your goals. If it's worth it, it will be hard. That's life, right?
September 27, 2010 at 2:19 PM
meleah rebeccah said…
And maybe every once in a while you can remember to slow down and take a deep breath! Yanno in-between beating yourself up.
September 27, 2010 at 10:21 PM
Unknown said…
You can only do the best you can do with the tools you possess, unless you decide to make changes in your life that would change your attitude about yourself. It takes time to make these changes, but they're well worth it.
September 28, 2010 at 9:23 AM
Mary@Holy Mackerel said…
Thank you everyone for your wonderful words and support. Greatly appreciated, yo.
September 28, 2010 at 2:15 PM
Trisha Carter, Gone Green said…
Giving up already? You still have another chance and if that didn't work out then try again until it does.
October 3, 2010 at 9:09 PM
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