When The Poop Hits The Fan, I Go Shopping

My butt has a brain. And thoughts. And opinions, apparently.

Because ever since the doctor gave me the orders to get my poop tested, my butt has refused to give up the goods. It's been six days now, folks! SIX POOPLESS days, after eight tiring WEEKS of nothing BUT poop after poop after -- you guessed it -- poop.

There can be NO OTHER EXCUSE but that my badonkadonk has a mind all its own, and a sense of dignity to boot! When it gazed upon the three containers I am supposed to "fill" and return, it did an about-face and ran the other way. And although I can't say I haven't enjoyed the freedom and respite from constantly having to run to the toilet, I'm just trying to wrap my head around this whole thing.

How in heaven's name can I go from 20 and more dingleberries per day to none? Just like that?

And everyday, I think, 'OK, today's the day. Today, I will be disgusting and poop in little wee containers and bring them to the lab and be all embarrassed.'

But the day comes and goes, and nothing. Nada. Not even a wee plippet of poison. It figures that I would go from complaining bitterly about my extensive life in the bathroom to my lack thereof, all in the span of a week!

And so, instead, I go Christmas shopping!

I don't know about you, but I love Christmas. And I love getting ready for Christmas. Yes, it's a lot of work, but it's happy work. I change into Happy The Dwarf from Snow White. Humming Christmas tunes while I walk the aisles, a little smile on my face. Yes, people get irritated with me, glancing at me and scowling as I hum by them, but I don't care, because it's Christmas time!

Not sure how I'm managing this mood this year, what with the state of my intestinal tract, and the fact that we have yet to see any snow. Because snow is the ultimate mood inducer for the season, in case you're wondering. Without the snow, it's just not Christmas. Two years ago, it didn't snow until Christmas Eve, and I ended up biting all my nails down to the quick with worry. The winters have definitely warmed up here in the Ottawa area. Not anywhere near as cold as they used to be, or as long.

Which kind of works for me, because I'm not getting any younger, and I've always thought I'd like to retire to a warmer climate in my old age, somewhere like Arizona maybe, but at the rate the weather's going, we may be able to just stay here, which would work just as well for me. But, although I'm liking the warmer winters, I definitely still need some snow for things to feel right.

And now Gryphon, our ponderous poodle, is having stomach issues, so I must go tend to his clinginess. You can hear his stomach screeching all the way upstairs. And I've just had the best idea this side of the Ottawa River! With a little maneuvering, I'm thinking I can just get Gryphon to poop into my lab containers, and then the job will be done. It's going to be hard getting him to co-operate, because he's difficult that way, but I'll somehow manage.

Although, now that I think of it, doing that may cause my butt to go into overtime action once again since it will no longer feel the need to stop the production line, seeing as the containers will be filled, and all hell will once again break loose, just in time for our trip.

I can't win.