Gnawed Digits

It's hard to keep a blog going. God help me. I only do three posts a week, for god's sake. You'd think I'd be able to at least manage that. But nooooo, I can't. That's probably because I'm still on the toilet 20 times a day.

But, at the time of this writing, my explosive diarrheaic episodes seem to be waning. For the past two days, I'm down to about five explosions per day, which is a miracle of sorts, I'd have to say. Now, if I could only get the 15 nightly implosions that continue to barrage my insides as I try to sleep, I'd be one happy camper.

I'm not sure why I feel so stressed lately, but I know I am, because my fingertips are bloody. Apparently, I've adopted this relatively new habit of gnawing on them until all the skin is gone and all that's left is exposed, raw flesh. It even hurts to type, which, now that I think of it, may be why I've only been posting once a week.

I'm wondering if maybe it's because I'm a bit on the depressed side, and have not even the energy to get off my proverbial behind most days and write a little something, let alone brush my teeth. I have nothing to say, and I honestly don't want to burden anyone with my solemnity, so instead, I watch endless episodes of Brothers and Sisters and gnaw on my fingers.

Why are you sad, you ask? Why, you're going to Disney World in only a few weeks. You recently got a part-time job, and may soon be getting another job. Christmas is just around the corner! The best time of the year! You have a family that loves you, and a husband who adores you, your kids are both healthy and happy, and ...

The answer, of course, is, I don't know. I just am. And, while I'm at it, is it possible to feel sad and happy/satisfied at the same time? Because I can tell you that I feel like that a lot too. I won't blame you if you are now shaking your head and rolling your eyes and totally giving up on me.

There's no rhyme or reason to these feelings I have, it seems. They just are. I'm still thinking they're at least partially due to the hormones raging inside me, trying to figure out how to work this whole thing called peri-menopause. Because these feelings of sadness and anxiety are not the same as the sadness I've felt in the past. I can't really explain it. I just know it.

I will, however, try harder to keep up with my blog posts, because this blog saves me. I feel good when I write here, and it makes me feel better knowing that there are people out there who care, and who actually want to read me. So, to all of you, thank you so much.

Now, if you'll excuse me, I have some toes to gnaw.


Nenslens said…
Hi Mary,

I have been following your blog for some time now and it always gives me a laugh. Sorry to make your aquaintance on the dreaded "D" subject, but I speak from experience here. You should have "things" analyzed. Have you heard of C. Difficile? It is very serious and I had it for 6 months. Luckily I am a generally healthy person and so did not have any extreme complications but there can be. What you are describing sounds like you might be a candidate. A simple stool sample and tons of antibiotics might be the answer. I am no doctor, but I offer you this advice from my experience.
Hi Mary, I am one person who WON'T give up on you. I feel so sorry that you're getting through so much toilet paper, we all sometimes in our lives go through some sort of anxiety even if everything appears to be going well on the outside. Blog when you feel like it your true friends will still be here.
Take care of yourself.
I think the doctor should have been more concerned about your diarrhea. From your description, it sounded like he was like 'ho hum, another virus', maybe not realizing the number and explosiveness of them and how long now you've been sick?

Considering your excessive pooping and the feeling out of sorts, I'm wondering about your potassium. I was feeling run down and blue for about six months several times this last couple of years, and it was because my potassium was dangerously low. It was like I could hardly move my muscles were so weak. So, with your diarrhea, perhaps everything is out of whack?

Also, what about your thyroid? I went over 20 years with hashimoto's thyroiditis and hypothyroidism, and they kept treating me with antidepressants and telling me to get my head checked, until someone finally thought to do a thyroid test.

Anyway, I think it's your health that's getting you down. Like you said, you're sick and tired of being sick and tired (I think you're the one that said that?).

Also, one more thing, about the gnawed fingertips. Are you sure that it's because you're gnawing on them that they're irritated? It's possible that with your system out of whack, and possibly a yeast out of whack thingie going on (that's a technical term), your fingertips are manifesting that yeast condition, causing your fingertips to be sensitive, and your gnawing on them is causing a moisture condition that has further irritated it.

That's all I can think of... except to get thyself back to the doctor! You don't want to go into the holidays and vacation feeling like crap because you can't stop crapping!

I love Brothers and Sisters, but if you need a good laugh to cheer you up, get the movie UP. I have watched it three times now and laugh my head off. Each time I see it, I see something different. I love it. If I'm ever sick, I'm going to make sure someone plays it for me over and over.
Beth said…
It is okay to be sad sometimes. But if it is stopping you from living, you need to talk with your doctor. There is so much they can do to make it better (and I know from experience on this one). I hope the sadness and the big D both go away.
Shana said…
I hope you feel better soon.
Other people have diagnosed you ... so I won't add to it. It doesn't hurt to get yourself checked out again.
pam said…
I know that feeling all too well, happy but sad. Hope things are better soon.

Being a Crohn's patient I totally sympathize with you.
♥georgie♥ said…
I have been sick for what seems like a month now...I feel your pain..

I also have the same lil issue of gnawing at my's bad...i do it when i get nervous, my mom says it is self mutilation...but what does she know anyway...LOL...

I think we could be related...hope you feel better soon I miss your posts and i know I have been mia myself i am trying to get caught up
Trish said…
sorry you've been depressed, but please know that there's tons of us who absolutely LOVE your every post; i follow many posts and rank yours right up there with the very best of what's out there. Honestly, you never fail to bring a smile to my day. Try being patient with yourself while trying to maneuver your way thru the depression, knowing that it will pass. love, trish
ps how come you've no button i can press to be a follower of yours
Scribe said…
I don't think I can say it any better than the few dozen comments that were posted already.

Don't worry about not posting as often. You know we'll be here when you're ready. As someone who lives with depression, I know it can seem like a dark hole at times, and the mood does fluctuate. I think a medical will help tremendously.

Keep us posted and keep your head up. We're here when you need us.
Debbie said…
Bless your heart. Sounds awful. I so hope you feel completely well and settled soon.
Marvin D Wilson said…
Down to only five explosions a day!? Well lets count our blessings on our gnawed toes! LOL - you can bring lightheartedness and smiles to the worst of life situations, I swear it. ;)

The Old Silly

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