Wednesday, November 25, 2009

Lopsided Lactoids Don't Show Up On Passport Photos, Thank God

I have to buy a swimsuit, guys. And the only ones I've found so far are at least $100, which makes me convulse. And what makes my limbs flail about like they're attached to a marionette is this: I can't find one that kindly hides the fact that my chestuals are, shall we say, lopsided.

Okay, there you have it. I've said it. Okay?! Yes, my mammaries are not the same size. Slut, will you still sleep with me in New York City? I promise to keep my lactoids unexposed.

So, like I said, I need a swimsuit, because we're going to Florida in a few weeks, and although I'm sure everyone will be in the hotel pool more than a few times during our stay, I'm not so sure about myself, but I DO know I'll be in the hot tub with a plastic cup filled to the brim with cheap wine. So, I need a swimsuit. The good thing is, I probably won't much care what I look like (because of the cheap wine), so why spend $100-plus on a swimsuit, I ask you.

The problem is, I don't have much choice. The swimsuit I currently have is ripped, and it is also so very obvious that my kazongas are not equal, so honestly, what does a woman do? Go out and spend $100-plus on something she will wear only a few times, that's what.

The most awesome thing is, I already got my hair done, so that huge and most important job has been done. I got a trim and face highlights, and I look amazing. I was very careful to have my hair done this week, giving me the exact amount of time to allow my hair to "settle in", which is a term I use for haircuts, by which I mean said hair is no longer in that "freaking out of its brains" stage after the scissor action. You all know what I mean, right? You know how your hair doesn't know what to do when you first get it cut, and it waves where it never usually waves, or it's straight when usually it's always frizzy? Well, that's what I mean by settling in. My hair takes at least a week of freaking out before it settles in. Hence, the importance of having said hair done at this time, so that it's in perfect and proper form when we travel ,because the paparazzi will be out, guys.

Now, I just have to get through a few doctor appointments, and find our suitcases, pack the bags, and we're off. Oh, and find a walker for the dog, and get our passports, and find a make-up bag for myself that will hold my Drawer of Face, and get everything (including gifts for everyone) for Christmas, because there will nay be time for any gift shopping or holiday preparations once we return.

On a less stressful, more productive note, there may be a light at the end of the proverbial tunnel in regards to my most recent digestive issues. I've been to the doctor (thank you to everyone for their concern and suggestions), and am going for more tests.

The best thing is, I told the doctor we were going to Florida, and I had to be better by then, and he promised me I would be. He promised me, guys. And he didn't have his fingers crossed behind his back or anything, so I know I'll be 100 % by the time we leave, which is really soon.

You always have to look at the bright side of things, you know.

6 comments:

Jane! said...

You can buy all kinds of supplemental pieces to balance out your girls. Most swimsuits nowadays even have a little space for the inserts.
Also, the less elastic the suit has, the longer it will last. Just think, you could be hot-tubbing with cheap wine for 10 years and suddenly $100 feels like a bargain.

ReformingGeek said...

Mine are not the same size and they are very small. I hate swimsuits!

I'm sure your hair looks marvelous and I know what you mean about the hair having the "crazies" for awhile after the haircut.

Wander to the Wayside said...

So glad there's a light at the end of your digestive tunnel! You'll have to have Dear Hubby take a photo of you with your new do once it settles down. As for your boobies, I don't think anyone's are the same size unless they're implants. One of mine's a 34, the other a 36, and I'm sure the cup size must be different. So one side always sinks in, which is why I buy those soft lining ones (not the hard padded ones). Good luck with that!

WELCOME TO MY WORLD OF POETRY: said...

Pleased to hear the doctor says you will be well enough to go away.
Have a wonderful time.....you deserve it.
I have to get my passport renewed before I go abroad again.
Take care.
Yvonne.

Yaya said...

Yes I know what you mean about the after haircut stage.

Good luck with the swimsuit. I have no idea why they're so expensive.

And good luck with the dr. Hope he keeps his promise!

Happy Thanksgiving!

Unfinished Rambler said...

So let me get this straight, you're getting your digestive system worked out so you can go wreck it with cheap wine while you're on vacation? Check. ;)

Actually I was in similar situation a couple of years ago when went on a vacation to Bahamas after having surgery for acid reflux. It was sooooo worth it. :)


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