Lopsided Lactoids Don't Show Up On Passport Photos, Thank God

I have to buy a swimsuit, guys. And the only ones I've found so far are at least $100, which makes me convulse. And what makes my limbs flail about like they're attached to a marionette is this: I can't find one that kindly hides the fact that my chestuals are, shall we say, lopsided.

Okay, there you have it. I've said it. Okay?! Yes, my mammaries are not the same size. Slut, will you still sleep with me in New York City? I promise to keep my lactoids unexposed.

So, like I said, I need a swimsuit, because we're going to Florida in a few weeks, and although I'm sure everyone will be in the hotel pool more than a few times during our stay, I'm not so sure about myself, but I DO know I'll be in the hot tub with a plastic cup filled to the brim with cheap wine. So, I need a swimsuit. The good thing is, I probably won't much care what I look like (because of the cheap wine), so why spend $100-plus on a swimsuit, I ask you.

The problem is, I don't have much choice. The swimsuit I currently have is ripped, and it is also so very obvious that my kazongas are not equal, so honestly, what does a woman do? Go out and spend $100-plus on something she will wear only a few times, that's what.

The most awesome thing is, I already got my hair done, so that huge and most important job has been done. I got a trim and face highlights, and I look amazing. I was very careful to have my hair done this week, giving me the exact amount of time to allow my hair to "settle in", which is a term I use for haircuts, by which I mean said hair is no longer in that "freaking out of its brains" stage after the scissor action. You all know what I mean, right? You know how your hair doesn't know what to do when you first get it cut, and it waves where it never usually waves, or it's straight when usually it's always frizzy? Well, that's what I mean by settling in. My hair takes at least a week of freaking out before it settles in. Hence, the importance of having said hair done at this time, so that it's in perfect and proper form when we travel ,because the paparazzi will be out, guys.

Now, I just have to get through a few doctor appointments, and find our suitcases, pack the bags, and we're off. Oh, and find a walker for the dog, and get our passports, and find a make-up bag for myself that will hold my Drawer of Face, and get everything (including gifts for everyone) for Christmas, because there will nay be time for any gift shopping or holiday preparations once we return.

On a less stressful, more productive note, there may be a light at the end of the proverbial tunnel in regards to my most recent digestive issues. I've been to the doctor (thank you to everyone for their concern and suggestions), and am going for more tests.

The best thing is, I told the doctor we were going to Florida, and I had to be better by then, and he promised me I would be. He promised me, guys. And he didn't have his fingers crossed behind his back or anything, so I know I'll be 100 % by the time we leave, which is really soon.

You always have to look at the bright side of things, you know.