Gimme A Plate of Those

Let me just start out by saying I love my husband very much.

There, got that out of the way. Now on to the important stuff: Nacho Figueras.

No, it's not an appetizer. Wait a minute! Yes, it is! Here, let me show you.


OH


MY


GOD.

Oh.My.God. Save me from myself. Excuse me while I pull my tongue back into my mouth and wipe the drool off my chest.

Order me a large plateful of that, please.

I saw this guy on Oprah the other day, and I have to say he has got to be one of the most handsome men alive in this century. Nay, this millenium. Just look at him, will you? I know even straight men will probably have a hard time not getting a bonk on when they take a look at this fine specimen of mankind.

Not only is he amazingly handsome, but Nacho is also a polo player. That's right. I said, a polo player, as in, he rides a horse and deftly hits balls with a mallet, all the while looking stunning as the sweat drips off his forehead, his hair curls "just so" around his ears, and ...


Help me.


Please help me.

Yeah.

Oh, and he's also a model for -- anyone? anyone? -- Polo Ralph Lauren, of course! What a coincidence, eh?

The only unfortunate thing about Nacho is just that: his name. What the HELL?! Who in their right mind would call their child NACHO?! Someone, please enlighten me. Because that, that is not sexy.

Can you imagine, calling him to bed for a little one-on-one polo match? Yeah, me neither. It just wouldn't work. The whole atmosphere would, no doubt, be ruined.

Out of curiosity, I looked his name up, because I just couldn't believe someone would actually name their child after an appetizer. And, lo and behold, his name is simply a diminutive for Ignacio, which GOD HELP ME is NO BETTER than Nacho itself! So, I'm back to Square One, which is no place to be when you're looking at a man who rides a horse and makes millions of dollars a year, and looks like that no matter what he's doing. I mean, he could be sitting on the toilet, grunting loudly, and I'd still probably want to jump him.

So, I've decided, in the interest of keeping me focused, I am changing his name. Sort of like Prince, who for a long time was known as The Artist Formerly Known As Prince. Except for my Nacho, I think I'll go with something romantic, something sturdy and strong, something non-edible.

Rock. Nah. Too boring. How about Stone? Meh. Same same. Maybe Lance would work? Or perhaps Wolf? Or Stirling ... Nah, I know what.

Hawk. Yeah, that's it, that's the ticket. Hawk's a good, strong, manly name. Says it all for me. Hawks also have a very WIDE wingspan, and we all know what THAT means...

Hawk Figueras, you will be mine.