This Is Nuts

Did you know that when a man rides a bicycle, his testicular members hang off on either side of the bike seat?

I'm supposing this won't be news to any of my male readers, unless they've never been on a bike.

It certainly was news to me.

Mr. Handsome and I had this discussion the other morning, over coffee, as he was getting ready to bike to work, while I got ready to open up another box of bonbons to down during yet another day of unemployment.

Yes, Mr. Handsome bikes to work, most every day, in fact. He only stops when the mornings are so cold that his testicles freeze to the side of his bicycle seat. Hence, the topic of discussion.

So, after we went over the day's schedule (Mr. Handsome: work, Me: eat bonbons), I wondered where in fact do a man's plums go when he alights upon his bike seat. You see how I'm trying to keep my mind engaged and operating while I continue to look for work? I'm a deep and extremely profound person, I am.

And Mr. Handsome told me.

They hang there. They move around, here and there, and everywhere. Sometimes up, sometimes down.

And I'm like, WHAT?! What do you MEAN, they move AROUND?!?!

Because I thought you guys sat on them, albeit gently. I really did. The thought of actual body parts flailing about with pure abandon is a bit much for me. I don't know how guys do it, to tell you the truth. We women have our breasts, to be sure, but seriously, we have bras to contain them so that they don't flap in the breeze. And, honestly, mine wouldn't anyway, so that's never been a worry for me. I know, too much information.

But Mr. Handsome confirmed that the lads in the bag do indeed fly free in the wind, because sitting on them would ... well, HURT, for lack of a better word. A lot. So, like, when you turn a corner? Yup, he says, they move, swing about, do the hokey pokey.

Which then led me to this question: do they actually freeze when the weather gets colder? Because here in Canada's capital, we have what's called Summer, and then we have Winter. And winter by far edges out summer as our longest season. It's definitely getting colder these days.

But people here refuse to allow the cold to deter them from their activities, and they try to continue until they really can't any longer because (1) the snow is up to the hoo ha, (2) the temperature is so cold that breathing is hazardous to your health, and (3) it's just impossible and insane to even think of trying.

But seriously, there are people here who actually bike ALL YEAR ROUND. Yes. I know. Crazy.

Mr. Handsome is not one of these people. He doesn't like the bitter cold, and when the temperature hovers around 8 degrees Celsius in the mornings (as it did yesterday), he gets really angry because then he can't wear his shorts any longer, and has to put on his long sweatpants, which chafe his inner thighs.

And when I asked him if his boys feel the sting of the cold on cold mornings, he didn't hesitate when he said, "Sometimes, yes they do."

Poor guys. I feel for you. Because you have these strange probosces hanging from betwixt your legs, and we know that can't be easy. You're always having to think about them, make sure they're safely tucked in, out of the way of danger, hidden.

What was Mother Nature thinking when she made men? I have to wonder. Because she sure didn't make the same mistake with women. No. All our important bits are neatly secured, out of harm's way. The only time we remember them is EVERY MONTH, when we writhe in utter pain, or when we have to go to the gyno for our "annual", or, get this! when we have to go through almost 10 months of much discomfort and swelling of every imaginable body part, only to have our insides explode while we stay awake and attempt to push a LIVE HUMAN BEING out of them.

Yeah, we lucked out in the gender department.


Beth said…
No wonder my husband is always adjusting his eggs. They move!
How do you think of this stuff? Too funny! And I think you used every euphenism there is for BALLS. Which reminds me, my six year old grandson is playing football for the first time this year, and he told his mom that she needs to buy him a 'nut protector'! That was the first time he ever used that term, so it was all she could do to keep from laughing.
I can't believe I'm commenting about men's testicles lol.
I recall many years ago I'd already had three children but went through a series of miscarriages, rather than me have a sterilazation op I suggested to my husband for him to have the "SNIP" his comment was "I can't I ride a bike" I often wondered what he meant, thanks for enlightening me.

ReformingGeek said…
That was a great post. It makes me thing of men in yoga class wearing loose shorts. YIKES!

I don't have to worry about flapping around either. There are SOME benefits to being "small".

But don't forget the flying squirrels, a problem for many women over the age of 25. Raise your arm to the side and something waves. ;-)
Balls and bikes...good to know.
omg I was laughing at the very first paragraph too damn all I can think about is bouncy balls!!! Thanks!!!
Never really gave much thought to where the boys are when the man is on a bike. I asked my hubby about it though and his response was "What the hell are you READING?" hahaha Then he told me they go to the sides! Validation!
Now I they float?
♥Trina♥ said…
hahaha Never really thought about this particular subject. I'm sure it will become lunchtime convo though. (We have some very...interesting...conversations in my lunch group.)
Anonymous said…
What? Their just there, flopping around??
blueviolet said…
Ok, I didn't think they sat on them because they're so wussy protective of them, but I thought they sort of sat there on the seat with them. Isn't there room on the seat for the butt and the buddies?
Michele Renee said…
I just found you from Life, Liberty and the Pursuit and this is hysterical! I am married to a guy who loves to go mountain bike riding and my 3 sons have all been riding since they turned 4 yrs old. I never gave their nuggets upon a bike any thought until this past spring. My 8 yr old showed me his bike seat and showed me the long, narrow space in the middle that is purposely cut out of the seat and he said, "Mom that is for my nuggets" or something like that. I thought they sat right in font of the perineum area. Or is it just us women women who have that?

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